Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Methodist Mayhem


Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!"

Anne's legions of readers will know that she prides herself on creating original material for her site.

We'll just call it "inspiriation from the bored gods."

But today a message came in the mail that is just so priceless Anne has to share it in whole. PLEASE NOTE: Anne did not write this. Anne will have a short rebuttal at the end.

The author must remain anonymous, because she would have a hissy fit if she knew about this sinful site.

Author's Message as follows:

"Stepford United Methodist Church
Anytown, Anywhere

"Dear Acolyte:

"Spring is around the corner and this starts the season of Lent and Easter worship. Please find Methodist Crosses up on the shelf where the gloves are. They are to be worn around your neck every Sunday. Please take care of them and wear them with respect and honor.

I am hoping we will have new white robes for Easter. More info to follow. I am also trying to get some celebratory dove kites but have had no luck researching the idea. More info to follow...

(italics in original)

"Some writing was found on the pew bench where the Acolytes sit. If you are caught disrespecting church property you will be asked to step down from your position. Please remember to wear appropriate clothing and shoes. Please do not chew gum or talk and fidget. You can be seen by everyone and comments have been passed onto me that some of you may be having a hard time keeping it together up there. I do not want to have to pull you off such a valuable position in the church. If you feel that you would like to take a year off and then retry, please do so. That is a mature act on your part.

"Again, I remind you to act respectfully when passing in front of the altar by pausing for a moment, walk together and put out the altar candles from the outside to the inside. Please be careful when blowing out the torch candle, hot wax could splatter back on your face as it has been splattered on the glass. Please blow gently.

"We appreciate your role in assisting the Pastors and glorifying God with your service. Enjoy God's recognition of New Life called Spring.

"Glory in His name,

"Mrs. Jones, Acolyte Administrator
Thank you again for your service to our church.
In His Name,

"Mrs. Jones."

ANNE'S REBUTTAL

When are my rebellious daughters going to stop this and become good pagans?

Blow gently,

ANNE

THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS

2 Comments:

At February 09, 2006 , Blogger Athana said...

Oh, Anne, have faith, your good daughters will come to their senses in time! With you as their mother, how can they fail to do so? (Of course if they're anything like me in relation to my mother, it may take another 20 years.... Here's to the cultivation of great patience!).

 
At February 10, 2006 , Anonymous Rae said...

Just one of the many many MANY reasons I left the Catholic church (that has the same sort of service but more bowing and scraping than the Methodist church). My knees have never felt better. And I like the idea of 'worshipping in'... I agree, saves me thousands a year in gas!!!

 

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