State of the Union: Independent Republic of Johnsonia

 What a way to celebrate a birthday! Home sick with the flu! Every symptom under the sun too. As dear departed Jackiesue was fond of saying, I feel like hammered sh**.

But life goes on. As Grand Wazoo of the Independent Republic of Johnsonia, I have to make my annual State of the Union address! The wildlife has assembled, and many of the plants are waking up. So here goes:

My fellow Johnsonians,

[uproarious applause lasting 5 minutes]

I come to you tonight committed to maintaining the independence of Johnsonia and its beloved Constitution (which I haven’t written yet, but it’s all in my head). Now more than ever, with the whole world reeling around us, we must take a firm stand for our sovereignty!

[more applause]

Please rest assured, mammals, birds, and English ivy, I will NOT require you to show proof of citizenship to visit or inhabit Johnsonia. You are free to come and go as you see fit!

[applause from mammals, birds, and ivy. Native plants hold up little paddles that say UNFAIR.]

As your president, I vow to keep Johnsonia as diverse, equitable, and inclusive as possible. This might be a period of transition for the ivy, but this is necessary to insure the growth of butterfly-friendly plant life.

[Ivy boos lustily, native plants remain sullen.]

Look. I have never sought to eradicate the ivy, but we have to hold all in balance. So please expect some belt-tightening. It will all work out. You’ll see.

My administration will also seek to increase the number of insects in Johnsonia, since all of our neighbors laden their lawns with insecticide.

[birds chirp with joy, plants hold up paddles saying UNFAIR]

Insects are a crucial element of the ecosystem, and they are WELCOME IN JOHNSONIA!

Now I know that you, my citizens, feel threatened and extremely anxious about the absolute freefall of the USA, due to its unstable and basically insane leadership. As your leader, I am suffering constant, nearly debilitating anxiety myself. But you are SAFE here! I am committed to tightening my OWN belt rather than sacrificing YOUR bird seed and YOUR peanuts and YOUR tasty trash can treats! I know some of you don’t like the policy of composting…

[possums and raccoons boo lustily]

… but I PROMISE to leave behind enough scraps to satisfy your appetites!

[possums hold up signs saying LIES]

Now I turn to your domestic enemy, the terrorist known as Omega. 

[widespread boos]

I vow before the Gods, to do everything I can to contain the terrorist within the confines of the presidential palace. The cat should NOT go outside, I KNOW it, and trust me I am doing everything I possibly can to keep her indoors!

[tepid applause]

My final item tonight is the nuisance on our border. I’m referring to the Tesla we all have to stare at in the neighbor’s driveway.

[five minutes of universal booing]

I beg you to remember, citizens, that the owner is a brain surgeon, and her yard signs indicate that she doesn’t support the USA’s current regime. She bought the car for its status and carbon footprint, and no doubt she now feels saddled with the goddamned thing. So I would ask you to show some restraint and not vandalize the offending automobile. Birds, you are exempt from this requirement. Have at it!

[and the birds go wild with glee]

In closing, I want to assure you that Johnsonia is a stable, peaceful land, and I will defend it to my final breath. Gods bless us, and Gods bless Johnsonia!

[applause, standing ovation from the birds and squirrels]

The opposition will address the nation tomorrow, with statements from a possum and the English ivy.