Possum Position

 A little background for any newcomers to “The Gods Are Bored”: In 2017, at the beginning of the Reign of Terror, I decided to secede from the United States of America and form my own nation, the Independent Republic of Johnsonia. For awhile I waited, fortified with provisions, for an attack by General Sherman or Attila the Hun, but the attacks didn’t materialize. Johnsonia has enjoyed modest prosperity and peace.

I’ll dig out the national anthem when I return to work. Wrote it a bit ago, and must say it was a solid effort.

Even in the smallest of nations, there will be opposition parties. It is to be expected, and I don’t mind the give and take.

Earlier this week I gave a state-of-the-union address. You can read it right below. Now it’s time for the opposition response.

Possum Opposition to the Grand Wazoo of Johnsonia 

Folks, our Grand Wazoo makes Johnsonia sound like Heaven on Earth. But that depends on who you ask. The chipmunks, being dealt an endless supply of peanuts and seeds all summer, and protected from harm by keeping the stupid cat indoors, are still sleeping off the winter with full bellies. THEY love Johnsonia. The songbirds, kept satisfied by a year-round subsidy of high-end bird seed, LOVE Johnsonia. Oh yes, for these populations everything is just great. Just great.

But for us possums, Johnsonia has become a land of privation and cruelty. The Grand Wazoo’s environmental policies have put the whole possum population at danger of extinction!

I refer to the policy that the Wazoo calls “composting.”

Three years ago the Wazoo came home from her travels with three small green buckets with air tight lids. She began to throw her food scraps into the bucket and take the buckets SOMEWHERE, who KNOWS where, when they were full. Our food source evaporated overnight! And when it began to sporadically return, she bought … [shudders] TRASH CANS WITH LIDS! And put bricks on top the lids!

Since then we have been mostly thrown back into the USA, in desperate search of provisions. We can’t let our children starve! Once a land of plenty, Johnsonia has become, for us, a [dramatic pause] food desert.

So say what you like about Johnsonia, but you can’t say it’s a country with no discrimination. Great for chipmunks, a bitter disappointment for possums. Do better, Grand Wazoo. This is a disgrace.

Thank you.