Thursday, December 07, 2017

President Johnson's First Press Conference

It has only been a few brief days since I was plucked from the obscurity of a teaching job at a public school and installed here in the White House as President Johnson the Third! Yes, Andrew, Lyndon, and now me! It's a fine American name. For the record, I'm not related to Andrew or Lyndon.

I will be appointing a presidential press secretary soon, and in fact I have a prominent person in mind for the job, if he will take it. In the meantime, I'm here to answer some questions myself! Yes ... you with the cross-eyes and sneer ... go ahead!

Sean Hannity: Johnson, is it true that you are a Satan-worshiper who kills kittens in pentagrams while plotting a socialist overthrow with Bernie Sanders?

President Johnson: You rude little man! If I did indeed worship Satan (which I most emphatically don't), it would be none of your business, or the nation's business, or anyone's business but my own! Yes, my first act as President of the United States is to declare a Church-State Separation of proportions not seen since Thomas Jefferson took scissors to the Bible! By executive order I am removing "under God" from the pledge of allegiance and restoring "e pluribus unum" as our nation's motto. Effective immediately!

Sean Hannity: What an outrage! You are a Godless communist!

Anne: Wrong again! I'm as far from Godless as you can get. Matter of fact, I glory, laud, and honor hundreds of deities from multiple pantheons and every part of the planet! See that spider crawling up your pants leg? That's Anansi. You'd better be respectful, or ...

(Sean Hannity faints. Anansi chortles with glee.)

President Johnson: This is more fun than I thought it would be, and a lot easier than teaching school! Next question?

Bob Woodward: I'm Bob Woodward from the Washington Post.

President Johnson: I know you. You rock! You were my mother's favorite journalist, and I've always felt warmth for you. What's your question?

Bob Woodward: What are you going to do about the Paris Climate Accord?

President Johnson: I'm so glad you asked! Effective immediately, I mean like yesterday, the United States is rejoining the Paris Climate Accord. Not only that, we will be taking a leading role -- as well we should -- in reducing carbon emissions by investing in clean energy sources like solar and wind. Oil and coal have served their purpose, I'm sorry to say, and the few of you billionaires who have reaped stacks and stacks and stacks from exploiting those resources will just have to live on your investments. As for workers in the coal and oil fields, this nation will re-train you somehow, so you can pursue healthy careers! Are any of you interested in construction? Because our nation's infrastructure is a global joke.

New York Times: President Johnson, could you please articulate your governance philosophy?

President Johnson: To be brutally honest, I'll have to get back to you on that. This whole president thing is new to me. But I promise to think deeply about it. Better yet, I intend to have in-depth conversations with thoughtful and decent people of both parties, as well as selected state governors and the former presidents who deserve a respectful ear. (Of course this does not include the slobbering dotard I'm replacing.) If I'm going to be president, I'm going to listen to sensible ideas and not be swayed by the crazy fringe groups or paid lobbyists. Let me just add that the salary y'all are giving me to run the free world is WAY higher than anything I've ever earned, and it will be quite enough to satisfy me, especially since it comes with health care and housing!

Reporter: But what about your years and years of blogging the most outrageous left-wing rhetoric and the most ideologically impure religious doctrines? You don't fit in any religion anywhere! You're all over the place!

President Johnson: I know. Isn't it wonderful? Gods bless America!

13 comments:

Janie Junebug said...

I used to be a reporter. I would like very much to have the position of press secretary. Please. Franklin and Penelope will join me at all of the press conferences.

Love,
Janie

Julie Crites said...

Love it!!

Misfit Marjorie said...

Dear President Johnson 3: If you have not yet named a press secretary, I would humbly like to toss my leather hat into the tastefully-upholstered ring. I have a degree in Communication with an emphasis in Journalism and Public Relations, a crazy amount of retail experience, and the Archbishop of Canterbury once called me a "lovely chap." Thank you for your consideration.

Anne Johnson said...

My goodness! Ideas! Ideas!I've got a whole cabinet to fill and can sure use all the help I can get!

Davoh said...

Um, forgive us ignoramuses 'South of the Border .. (oops) Equator' .. but who is president Johnson. The only "president", from our point of view, these days seems to b some sort of elderly, demented, bizarre, racist, sexist bloke in your White House.

And Yep, Australian politics might seem a bit strange to you lot .... but WE, th People, Can, and do ... Turf our PRIME MINISTERS if they are basically - unacceptable to the majority of the populace.

Davoh said...

O, Oooops, missed the previous post ...
Ah. A Female in the White House of America?
Why not?

Davoh said...

PS. Australia can't claim to b the 'first' to elect a Female "Prime Minister" (Julia Gillard) (destroyed by overt Sexism by some males in the Parliament and media) .. but she DID - open the way for Females to obtain High Office in Australia.

Davoh said...

Um, there is no way that i can easily equate the Australian and American system of politics ... but assume your "President" had no "power" - a 'ceremonial figurehead' .... and the Leader of your 'House of Representatives' (not Senate ... but our Senate, composed of a mishmash of peoples from all walks of life, can and do, vote down idiotic 'laws' from the 'House of Representatives'

... Had the Highest Power in your Land ... ???

Davoh said...

(o, and if you are wondering what role our "Governor General" plays?
Ah, 'Tis an Honorary Role - an elected Official by 2/3rds of the current Parliament. However, under the current Australian 'Constitution' He, or She; is actually "Commander in Chief" of our military. One of our best "Governor General"'s was, actually - a female.

Davoh said...

Oh ... oops. For full details ..
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Governor-General_of_Australia

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Can you get me Rachel Maddow's and Anderson Cooper's autographs at your next press conference?

e said...

I would love to hold the office of Secretary of the Department of Agriculture, or of the Interior. I'll send my resume and personal statement post haste.

All Hail President Johnson, third of her Name!

JACKIESUE said...

hoping you find room for me in your cabinet...it would be an honor