It has only been a few brief days since I was plucked from the obscurity of a teaching job at a public school and installed here in the White House as President Johnson the Third! Yes, Andrew, Lyndon, and now me! It's a fine American name. For the record, I'm not related to Andrew or Lyndon.
I will be appointing a presidential press secretary soon, and in fact I have a prominent person in mind for the job, if he will take it. In the meantime, I'm here to answer some questions myself! Yes ... you with the cross-eyes and sneer ... go ahead!
Sean Hannity: Johnson, is it true that you are a Satan-worshiper who kills kittens in pentagrams while plotting a socialist overthrow with Bernie Sanders?
President Johnson: You rude little man! If I did indeed worship Satan (which I most emphatically don't), it would be none of your business, or the nation's business, or anyone's business but my own! Yes, my first act as President of the United States is to declare a Church-State Separation of proportions not seen since Thomas Jefferson took scissors to the Bible! By executive order I am removing "under God" from the pledge of allegiance and restoring "e pluribus unum" as our nation's motto. Effective immediately!
Sean Hannity: What an outrage! You are a Godless communist!
Anne: Wrong again! I'm as far from Godless as you can get. Matter of fact, I glory, laud, and honor hundreds of deities from multiple pantheons and every part of the planet! See that spider crawling up your pants leg? That's Anansi. You'd better be respectful, or ...
(Sean Hannity faints. Anansi chortles with glee.)
President Johnson: This is more fun than I thought it would be, and a lot easier than teaching school! Next question?
Bob Woodward: I'm Bob Woodward from the Washington Post.
President Johnson: I know you. You rock! You were my mother's favorite journalist, and I've always felt warmth for you. What's your question?
Bob Woodward: What are you going to do about the Paris Climate Accord?
President Johnson: I'm so glad you asked! Effective immediately, I mean like yesterday, the United States is rejoining the Paris Climate Accord. Not only that, we will be taking a leading role -- as well we should -- in reducing carbon emissions by investing in clean energy sources like solar and wind. Oil and coal have served their purpose, I'm sorry to say, and the few of you billionaires who have reaped stacks and stacks and stacks from exploiting those resources will just have to live on your investments. As for workers in the coal and oil fields, this nation will re-train you somehow, so you can pursue healthy careers! Are any of you interested in construction? Because our nation's infrastructure is a global joke.
New York Times: President Johnson, could you please articulate your governance philosophy?
President Johnson: To be brutally honest, I'll have to get back to you on that. This whole president thing is new to me. But I promise to think deeply about it. Better yet, I intend to have in-depth conversations with thoughtful and decent people of both parties, as well as selected state governors and the former presidents who deserve a respectful ear. (Of course this does not include the slobbering dotard I'm replacing.) If I'm going to be president, I'm going to listen to sensible ideas and not be swayed by the crazy fringe groups or paid lobbyists. Let me just add that the salary y'all are giving me to run the free world is WAY higher than anything I've ever earned, and it will be quite enough to satisfy me, especially since it comes with health care and housing!
Reporter: But what about your years and years of blogging the most outrageous left-wing rhetoric and the most ideologically impure religious doctrines? You don't fit in any religion anywhere! You're all over the place!
President Johnson: I know. Isn't it wonderful? Gods bless America!