President Anne Johnsoon Articulates Her Political Philosophy

My fellow Americans,

You must recall that I did not ask to be spirited away to the White House to become president in the wake of the wreckage known as Donald Trump. I was just minding my own business, standing in the Vo Tech cafeteria, watching students eat breakfast and get ready for their day.

But here I am, and the New York Times wants to know my political philosophy. So, okay, I took one philosophy course in college (pass/fail) and zero political science courses. What do I know? Well, I know more than the guy I'm replacing ... but that's a low bar indeed.

This is how I feel about democracy:

Democracy is ideally a rule by the citizens of the republic, through elected officials who compete for votes on ideological -- not personal -- grounds. In order for a democracy to work, you need two solid ingredients:

*an educated electorate, and
*a system that is free from financial taint

I would say our electorate is fairly well educated (could be better). But our system is mired in financial taint. A small number of extremely wealthy individuals exercise an out-sized influence on our elections. (I won't even get into the Russians. I'll have some choice things to say about them in due time.)

As president I want to restore America to a true democracy. In order to do it, I will need to:

*put an end to Citizens United and other inappropriate financial influence in elections, and
*discourage partisan bickering for television ratings.

There's nothing more disheartening, my fellow Americans, than knowing that wildfires are burning out of control in California, but the nightly news on CNN, Fox, and MSNBC is all yak yak yak either in favor of, or against, the president. I personally do not know anyone who thinks it's a good idea for corporations and individuals to be able to buy political candidates and market them like breakfast cereal, then prop them up so that commercial sponsors can make money from worried people watching opinionated newscasts. Our elected officials should serve the good of the nation, not the whims of the super-rich and the media conglomerates!

Now, as to the government itself, my philosophy is that you can't rack up mountains of debt for future generations. (This would, at one time, have made me a conservative.) But the way to balance the national budget is not to cut taxes for anyone. People have to pay taxes! It's a fact of life. It's expensive to run a government properly, so that every citizen gets treated with respect and compassion. (This makes me a liberal.)

My administration will absolutely and gleefully veto the "tax reform" bill that is whizzing through the house like the Road Runner on a desert highway. For now we will keep taxation as it is.

Any true reform requires negotiation and cooperation. True public servants think first of ordinary people and how they will fare, not their "donors." I'm going to curb this whole donor mess, first thing. One person, one vote. Don't like it? Book a flight and scram.

This is the word of President Johnson, third of her name!

Oh, and by the way ... from today forward, everyone will wear their underwear on the outside of their clothing! I saw that once in a movie and thought it was an awesome idea.