Wednesday, December 27, 2017

President Johnson, Third of Her Name

Welcome to the White House! I'm President Johnson, newly appointed. If you're just joining us, I have been given the responsibility of running the free world. There I was, just standing in the school cafeteria, and some very earnest men in dark suits asked me to change professions. Considering that I am never deemed a "distinguished" teacher in any of my evaluations (the best I can eke out is "proficient"), I thought I'd give being president a shot. Maybe I'll be a distinguished president!

I took over a few weeks ago. Do you know how many fabulous perks go with this job? I mean, to someone who already lives in the lap of luxury, the office of president might not be so cushy. To me it's like ... wow! Take Camp David, for instance. There it sits, nestled in the mountains west of Washington, DC, easy to get to, easy to guard, and light on the taxpayer pocketbook. Nice place! So that's were I spent the holidays with my close family. Wow, you should see the tasteful upholstery on the furniture and feel the whisper-soft towels lying in handy piles around the indoor pool. I could get used to living like this!

But now it's back to work. My first order of business has been to veto -- most emphatically -- the new tax bill sent to me by both houses of Congress. They're kidding, right?  Pretty much all this thing does is pay back the donor class and corporations for all the money they've spent on elections for their flunkies. Back to work Congress! First you have to convince me that we need to cut taxes, because what I think we need is to launch a major upgrade of infrastructure ... and that will cost a lot of money.

 Remember when you send me legislation to sign that I'm an appointed president, not an elected one. I'm not beholden to any special interest groups. So there!

Another pressing issue has come to my desk. My predecessor crafted a national defense report that excised climate change as a threat to our nation. Preposterous! You want to see a world in upheaval, just let the globe get hotter and hotter. So I'm restoring climate change as a major source of international tensions, possibly posing real danger for America and her safety.

One final little bit of work today and then I'll kiss some babies and give plaques to Girl Scouts. These judicial nominees being proposed? OUT WITH THE LOT OF THEM! I want a diverse judiciary with lots of experience and no damn political agenda! Either way! They are judges, not partisans. Send me people who have not been endorsed by any think tank anywhere.

For the record, I have a Twitter account, but I do not use it. I don't intend to start.

Also for the record, I don't play golf. I've got nothing particular against it, I would just rather hike.


Ol'Buzzard said...

Could be worse, you could be asked to be President Trump.
the Ol'buzzard

Harry Hamid said...

This parallel contemporary history is shaping up great. It's a thankless job and if someone decent had the willpower to accept it, then we'd be better off.

Rick Loftus MD said...

lol, love this! Please make the Vulture the national bird, Pres. Johnson. 😊


i wish you were our president

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Thank the Goddess you are in the White House, President Johnson! Can you imagine if it were some rich old racist, sexist, homophobic idiot man instead? The horror, THE HORROR!

Will the President be mumming again this New Year's? Or is it too cold in Philly?

Happy New Year and wishing you all the best for 2018!