Monday, December 04, 2017

America's First Female President but Third Named Johnson

My fellow Americans,

My name is Anne Johnson, and I am humbled to have been asked to be President of the United States. I am here to begin a path of healing and prosperity for our wonderful, magnificent nation. I can't say why I was plucked from the obscurity of an urban vocational/technical school in Camden, New Jersey to be the chief executive, but hey ... I have a college education! And I was born here! (Anne shows her birth certificate and passport.)

I know you must have a million questions for me, but first I want you to get to know me as a person. I'll be moving in to the White House with the First Gentleman, Mr. J. He is an award-winning author with a deep respect for the Fourth Estate, seeing as how he made his living as a reporter for 30 years. I expect he will be clothed by Brooks Brothers, which now he will be able to afford to purchase new instead of at the thrift store. Mr. J will be in charge of hosting championship sports teams, the Easter Egg Roll, and  ... cough cough ... the National Endowment for the Arts and Humanities, which will have its budget increased ... emmmmm ... Oh, yes! Mr. J is an upright citizen, also born in the USA (shows birth certificate and passport).

My older daughter, Gumby, will continue to pursue her own artistic endeavors from her home base of Philadelphia. She requested anonymity, thank you very much, and she's not too keen about the Secret Service (nor are they keen about West Philly).

My younger daughter, Olivia, has replaced Matt Lauer on the Today Show, from which she will likely move to Saturday Night Live at some point. Please be advised that Olivia's views and mine don't always dovetail -- you know, she's young and hip, while I'm square as fuck.

Oh, shit. I forgot. Presidents don't curse in public! Sorry.

I'm sure the press (especially Fox News) will scan my background thoroughly for damaging details information regarding my oh-so-ordinary life. Up front I will tell you that I've never grabbed anyone by any appendage beyond offering a hearty handshake. The thing I'm most ashamed of in my past? I bought a parrot and kept it in a cage. Deeply regretful about that.

I smoked pot -- and inhaled -- in college. Haven't done it since. I haven't had a drop of alcohol (with the exception of New Years Day, when I'm in the Mummers Parade) in more than five years. There are no outstanding violations of the law whatsoever in my resume! Go ahead. Check it out.

So ... I will also be bringing to the White House my two darling kitties, Beta and Gamma. (There was once an Alpha, she is with Ceiling Cat now.) Beta is a senior torby, and Gamma is a fluffy orange male. Even though Gamma is three times Beta's size, it's Beta who is in charge! Between them I'm sure they will take care of all those pesky vermin problems that have only gotten worse in recent months.

One last thing before I move on to your questions. Here are my tax returns from 1980 until the present. Yes, every single year. You see, Mr. J is rather a stickler about keeping old papers piled up all over the place, and our tax returns are among them. Take a look! I have nothing to hide!

My favorite television show is American Pickers, my favorite color is taupe, and I'm a Pisces.

Any questions about my personal life?


Janie Junebug said...

Welcome to The White House. You will do an excellent job.


e said...


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Thank the Goddess, you came along just in the nick of time! Here's my hard-hitting journalistic question --

Is it, or is it not, true that you have committed reckless acts of fiction writing in the past? How can we be sure that the announcement of your presidency is not just more of the same?

Harry Hamid said...

If you promise to never ever tweet once you're President, you have my full support.

That's basically all I look for in a President right now.

Jono said...

Please be sure to bring in some competent and relatively uncorrupt help. I do believe you are far more competent and qualified than the Cheeto in Charge.

Davoh said...

You would probably be more 'successful' if you were born under the sign of Scorpio ... (not that i really believe in that sort of stuff - Scorpios can b massive failures, also).


whatever you do..if you groped anyone in your wild past...tell us now..