Thursday, March 26, 2009

How To Shave Years Off Your Age

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," handy free advice on lifestyle options and upholstery maintenance! No day without Febreze, I always say.

The number of people who read print newspapers is dwindling alarmingly. Why, I do not know. I would die without my newspapers!

Today in the New York Times there was a story about a web site called Real Age. (I'm not linking. You'll see why. If you want to find the site, just run the two words together.)

Real Age invites you to key in your birthday and your email. Then it asks about 150 questions about your health, sex life, family life, diet, exercise regimen, and personal habits. It lists all kinds of diseases and asks if you have them. It also measures peace of mind by asking about your financial situation, your marital situation, and your job status.

After you answer all those questions, Real Age emails you your ... real age. Meaning, the age your body has gotten to be due to your lack of vigilance.

The New York Times took interest in this site because about 27 million people have taken the Real Age quiz. And Real Age has promptly turned all that information over to Big Pharma so it can market its products to all those poor souls out there who are afraid to grow old and die.

To me, this site provided a totally diverting Discordian worship moment.

I started by falsifying my age, weight, and height. Then I proceeded to answer every question with the healthiest possible answer. Seatbelts? Always. Red meat? Never. Alcohol consumption? Never. Parents? Alive and healthy.

On and on went the fiction. Money worries? No. Job worries? No. Annual income? More than $350,000. Ever ride a motorcycle? Nope.

There were only two items that I could not bring myself to lie about. I do not take a multi-vitamin. Never have. And I do not do "strength training." I did strength training for about two years with a personal trainer, back when my family was in the chips. All I got out of it was an upper body reminiscent of a middle linebacker, and a chronic case of nerve damage in my elbow. The over-sculpted muscles are gone, thank goodness, although while I had them I sure could play a mean game of volleyball.

Back to Real Age: You think I'm gonna be honest on some web site about my psychiatric health? I lie to myself about it!

Bottom line, I shaved four years off my false age. I would have shaved more if I had clicked "yes" for the vitamin and "yes" for the weight-lifting.

Free advice from Anne! If you want to be young again, go take this quiz like I did! I'm not 50 anymore, I'm 35!

It gets better. Real Age is a gift that keeps giving. I set up a Google email awhile back, and I still take all my emails through Yahoo. So it will be easy to pick out the vitamin advertisements I get on my email from my little jaunt to Real Age. That'll be about all I'll get in my Google box.

I never thought it would be so easy to be young again. Computers truly are miraculous.


sageweb said...

That is so funny, I did the real age test a while back..using an email that I use for junk...well they never did send me my real age. Maybe I ended up older or something(the computer felt sorry for me)..but they do send me a lot of crap that I send straight to spam now

THE Michael said...

hmmmm........I wonder if I could get one of those cool portable weather radio/black and white televisions if I tell them all the diseases my family has had since they waylaid the first mamoth...........yea, think I send all that in right away........what's your email again, Anne?

Sarita said...

I've seen ads for Real Age, but I've never done it. Once quizzes starts asking for my e-mail addy, I say "Uh, never mind." I prefer not to get spam. At one point I was going to make myself another account special for quizzes, but I never did do that.

Davo said...

And I do not do "strength training." Ah, nit-pickler that I am, bullshit .. heh. Simply getting out of bed of a morning, or - to be specific - anytime during a 24 hour period IS "strength training", muscles are involved .. heh .. but i digress, yer; strange really, the 'decline' of 'news' print. Perhaps it has something to do with a basic consciousness that vast numbers of trees are destroyed every day to bring you 'copied' information interpersed between "full colour" (or not) ADVERTISEMENTS for products that may or not be necessary and may, eventually, destroy .. um, much of what we have come to expect of "civilised" society (trees are, apparently, the cheapest 'carbon scubbers' available on the planet) ..

That said, there are ways of making a living from the printed word. perhaps your husband could write a book (heh). In Australia it is not necessary to have a University (college?) degree to teach literacy. Just a basic understanding of child psychology .. heh.

yellowdog granny said...

I think that is similar to the one that will tell you when you will die by answering a group of questions...i have about 15 years left according to them...

Anonymous said...

The paper has its moments of usefulness, but the majority of those can be labeled "garden mulch".

If the paper had integrity, if the volume of articles out-weighed the advertising, if articles from other sources weren't truncated in a manner guaranteed to skew issues, and if the ink didn't smell bad, then I'd probably still be a subscriber. Even though delivery is abysmal.

Thank heavens for the internet, because if I only got news via our local paper I .. *shudder*. That is just too horrible to bear the thought of.

Anne Johnson said...

Well, anon, when only the internet delivers the news, you wait and see how well they do it ... because what you're reading is probably an online newspaper, written by print journalists. Like my husband.

tsduff said...

I already know that stuff is bologna. That said, I don't want to take it because I know I'll end up with a 5 years left to live verdict LOL.