Sunday, March 01, 2009

Contemplating a Career Change?

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," whipped about by the fickle winds of Fortune since 1959! I'm your host, Anne Johnson, proud owner of a chronic case of generalized anxiety disorder.

In these challenging times, the list of job openings in the Sunday newspaper is slender indeed. (The newspaper itself is slender to the point of anorexia.)

However, on a banner day, one can still find premium employment by reading the "Help Wanted" ads. Here's one from today's (bankrupt) Philadelphia Inquirer:

West Chester, PA.

Prep mushroom growth-media; apply water & mix raw materials; monitor composting/degradation; insert & manage materials & horizontal silos; harvest crops & pack as req; load trucks. F/T; variable hrs/days, incl. wkends/holidays. Fax resumes to Fairchild Mushroom, XXX-XXX-XXXX.

I changed the name of the company so they won't Google this.

Okay, we at "The Gods Are Bored" appreciate thoughtful prose, but the above "Help Wanted" ad goes a bit too far with the politesse, don't you think?

Here's what it should say:

West Chester, PA

Shovel cow manure, mix it with more cow manure, water, and toxic chemicals, smell the stuff all day to make sure it stinks enough, add more crap as needed; spend your day prowling dark, reeking silos; be damn well prepared to work yourself to exhaustion harvesting mushrooms, especially on weekends and holidays. Now we want to see a faxed resume that proves you know how to shovel shit and take crap from nasty overseers. Minimum wage, and be happy to get it. No vacation or health insurance; that's for socialists. Fairchild Mushroom, XXX-XXX-XXXX.

I'll bet they get 1,000 resumes.

Where is Upton Sinclair when we need him so very badly?


democommie said...


If Mr. Sinclair wasn't dead his writing would be outsourced--unlike the shitshovelling job, that has to stay where the shit is.

THE Michael said...

He was downsized.

Lisa said...

it made me emit a sardonic laugh too !
you are a gorgeous girl !

democommie said...

Dear Anne:

You are cordially invited to my house to view a blogpost that only has 1 curse word and is actually pretty nice, along with some photos wherein nobody gets hurt.

Word verification is "everoc" and the pictures, they do!

Anonymous said...

It's a Jungle out there.