Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where your church is our church. Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster? All hail! The Starship Enterprise? Beam us up, Scotty. No sign of intelligent design on this planet.
Every year around this time we start making promises to ourselves that we are absolutely destined to break. You know what I mean.
Let's start with Thanksgiving.
1. "I'm not going to miss the Dallas game because I'm slaving in the kitchen." BAMP! Wrong.
2. "I'm not going to fill the table with enough food for 20 people when there are only going to be five of us eating." BAMP! Wrong. (Mother-in-law sees to that.)
3. "I'm not going to stuff myself." BAMP! Wrong.
4. "I'm not going to drop turkey on the floor for the cats." BAMP! Very wrong.
5. "I'm not going to look at the newspaper circulars and pick out early bird Xmas specials I can't afford, and then get up at the crack of dawn to go fetch them." BAMP! Wrong. I need some new Xmas balls for my tree.
Which brings us to The Holiday That Can't Be Just Called a Holiday Because It's Christmas, For God's Sake!
Every year Mr. Johnson and I pinky swear that we won't spend an arm and a leg on Xmas gifts. And every year we wind up on December 26 searching for our misplaced limbs. This happens when you've got kids.
Here are the Xmas promises I make and break every year:
1. "I'm not going to spend an entire weekend in the kitchen making cookies." BAMP! Wrong. Even with The Spare helping. Especially with The Spare helping.
2. "I'm not going to fret over how the front of my house looks." BAMP!
3. "I'm going to get an early start on those Yule cards. And they're going to have faeries on them." BAMP! Cheap dollar store cards bought at day-after sale.
4. "I'm not going to gain two pounds from eating cookies and drinking egg nog." BAMPITY BAMP BAMP! (Burp.)
5. "I'm going to get swept up in the holiday cheer. It will help me deal with my Seasonal Affective Disorder." BAAAAAMP!
'Tis the season to be crabby. Don't you agree? Humbug.