Tuesday, November 06, 2007

In Which I Scab for the Soap Operas

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," America's best clearinghouse for absolute nonsense since 2005! We're glad you joined us today. And lucky for you there's a commercial break running, so we can update you on today's developments.

The Writers Guild of America is on strike. No new negotiations are scheduled. The biggest issue is how to compensate writers when material goes onto the Web or onto DVDs. Sort of like what's facing rock stars when their stuff is pirated from the Internet.

But, o ho! Lots of writers on picket lines! That means employment opportunities for unemployed writers -- like me!

By Friday your favorite soap opera will be showing re-runs because the soap writers have all walked. Luckily I am here to fill the gap (and take a scab check for my services).

Ooops! Commercial's over! Time to get back to General Hospital. Script by Anne.

(Laura is lying on her deathbed with her adoring Luke at her side. This is the 9th time Laura has died on GH, and like a cat she's not expected to return this time.)

Luke: Darling. Oh, darling. Speak to me!

Laura: I see the light. Actually, many many lights. Oh, it's faeries! They're coming to take me to Sidhe, to rest in the arms of the Goddess Queen Brighid the Bright!

Luke (taking her hand): Oh, my love. I so despaired over losing you until now. Just to know that you'll be cared for eternally by the loving and joyous deities and faeries of Sidhe brings me such comfort!

Laura: They tell me that you can join me some day, if you're willing to scrap your Ford Escalade and buy a nice sensible economy car.

Luke: Consider it done!

Laura: And make sure all the lights are off at your house when people leave rooms. Get some new, energy-efficient appliances. Oh! The faeries are telling me I'll be a little girl again! And I'll have wings!

Luke: So, you're really not coming back this time? Not even as an evil twin who was separated at birth and finally traced her biological parents?

Laura: Who would want to return to this fucked-up world when beckoned by the Gentry of Sidhe?

Luke: Are we allowed to say "fuck" on the air now?

Laura: New writer. Oh, Luke ... the light is getting brighter ...

Luke: Hey! That rhymes! I like this new writer.

Laura: The faeries are so beautiful. They are saying ... they are saying ...

Luke: Yes, my love?

Laura: They want you to march in protests against George W. Bush and Dick Cheney and all they stand for. They want you to support stem cell research and an end to government-imposed "morality." And Luke ...

Luke (stifling tears): Yes, Laura?

Laura: They want you to begin a brand new Druid grove right here in Port Richmond, so that we can build story lines all around how great it is to break free of dogma and embrace a deep universal spirituality that has a big, broad, flexible outlook!

(Laura emits one satisfied sigh and lists back onto her nicely-fluffed pillow. Luke weeps.)

Luke: I vow to live by the advice given me today by my own true love! Oh Great Goddess Queen Brighid the Bright, give me strength to build a whole new world on the ashes of the old!


So, what do you think of my script? I'll bet there's not one member of the Writers Guild who could do any better.

Now I've got to develop that "Luke the Druid" story line. Toodle-ooo!


Anonymous said...

Bwahahahahaha. That is just... awesome.

yellowdog granny said...

eeeexcuse me..but that's port charles...

and luke's fucking around with a quartermane...
sonny's low on blood...
lucky just found out he ain't the daddy and I can't wait for the writers strike to effect the soaps..they are getting so boring..
i am at hopes that on days of our lives the bradeys will all get kilt by the demaria's and we can just start over ....