Friday, May 18, 2007

There Goes The Neighborhood

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," mayhem on a halfshell! Our brand of lunacy won't give you hepatitis like those succulent oysters, so grab a chair!

Behind my house is another house. And beyond that house is a little nature area with a pond. I call it Dog Poop Park. The only reason it isn't slathered with townhomes is that it's too wet to build on. This is good news for the snapping turtles that use my yard as their nesting sites.

I've no objections to an occasional snapper visit. And -- have you noticed? -- there's no such thing as an ugly baby animal. The itty bitty snappers rushing across the short weeds ... err ... lawn, are so cute!

We have a new denizen in Dog Poop Park. Someone dumped an alligator into the pond. Actually it's probably a caiman, but whatever it is, it's not snapper-sized. It's a whopper.

The park is cordoned off with yellow police tape. Every other tree has a sign on it that says, "Stay Out of Park."

I figured there would be gators in the waterways around here at some point, given the direction the climate is heading. I think this guy is just an early land speculator.

In the wee small hours of the morning, my daughter The Heir heard a high-decibel fracas at the pond. It consisted of frantic goose honking, cut off quickly. Christmas must have come early for Caiman Cratchit.

There are more than enough resident Canadian geese around here to sustain the hungriest caiman through the summer. My concern is that Cratchit might get a little sick of Canadian goose and go cruising for a change of pace. Like a pussy cat.

I've got two rescue cats, Alpha and Beta. Both of them were outdoor cats when they accepted my hospitality. Beta, in fact, was dumped along the pond as a kitten.

Normally, Alpha and Beta don't stray far from my little back yard. (That's a plus of owning rescue cats -- they know when they've got it good.) But, if a snapping turtle can crawl to Chateau Johnson from the pond, it's certainly not beyond the crawling capacity of a rapacious caiman.

The park police are clueless as to how to catch the thing. That doesn't surprise me, because they're also clueless as to how to catch the teenagers who smoke weed, drink beer, and procreate by the pond. The park police even called the animal shelter where I volunteer, hoping the dog expert there would help them. The dog expert, who regularly has to collar savage pit bull mixes, politely declined to help. Not his area of expertise.

It's not mine either. Anyone out there know what to do about a pesky alligator infestation?

Beannachd leat,


Moonroot said...

I've just stumbled across your blog, which I've been very much enjoying. Your blog byline has to be the best I've come across - made me laugh out loud!

Anonymous said...

you might contact the Florida Fish & Wildlife people, maybe they can help.
Here's a link to the "nuisance 'gator" page.


Hecate said...

Cast a circle around your house and yard, and may it grow as the moon waxes!

Check this out.

2 Witches Blog - Mama Kelly said...

I can't say that I would be very calm with a caiman (or whatever) in my backyard.

I hope he/she is relocated to a happy environment soon.

Mama Kelly

BBC said...

I sure don't. But I know that they will still be here when you are gone.

Livia said...

Baby snappers are very cute! I didn't realize this until my little cousin "rescued" one from one of our ponds. And then, not to be outdone, his sister kidnapped a full grown snapper! Needless to say, we had a little talk about snappers vs. box turtles. I thought snappers were troublesome, but I can't imagine having a caimen to worry about!

Anonymous said...

I’m so glad you asked. First you lasso the SOB around the snout with a loop attached to a pole. The guy on the pole should be 1) strong 2) level headed. You then get a big guy to jump on that suckers back. Strength isn’t so important for this, weight is the key. Then you simply whip out a roll of duct tape, available in hardware stores through-out the country and tape the SOB’S mouth shut. ( If only I could do this to the wife!) Then one person grabs the head, one grabs the tail and you toss him into a vehicle of your choice. I prefer finding a BMW in a fancy part of town for this. When you arrive at the critters new home, say the White House, you simply lasso that suckers mouth again, remove the tape and run like hell.