Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Dinosaur Husbandry #1

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where today we come out of the closet and "out" one of the most secret of secret societies!

Yes, finally we can cavort in the open, herd up our special charges and parade them through the streets like circus elephants!

Oh, readers. You can't imagine what a burden has bee lifted from my shoulders, and from the shoulders of super-secretive breeders all through Appalachia. They might not like me spilling the beans, but now that David Ham's fabulous Creation Museum is open, we need no longer run and hide, sneak around at night and in the worst weather, and practice draconian secret handshakes and code words to save ourselves and our super duper classified charges.

Friends, gods, and countrymen, let me be the very first to claim membership in the Dinosaur Underground Mobilization Brotherhood. That's DUMB, for short.

You see, the Creation Museum is correct. There were dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden. And some of them survived Noah's Flood!

This topic is way too big for one post. Today I will only cover one aspect of it: how the dinos survived the flood, and how the evil, corrupting, materialistic, murdering, falsifying, misleading, and devil-worshipping Darwinists have conspired to exterminate the few remaining populations of dinosaur from the face of the Earth.

The Bible says that Noah's flood lasted 40 days and 40 nights. But that was only where Noah was. In Appalachia and the Rocky Mountains, for instance, the waters rose to the tip-top of the mountains but only stayed there for a day or two. The dinos wisely climbed trees and waited for the water to recede. Then they climbed down and had all of America to themselves for awhile until Noah's descendants used the ark to get to the Western Hemisphere.

At one time, every Native American burial site contained evidence that Indians ate dinosaurs and also, in some cases, kept them as pets. This evidence has been deliberately destroyed by the Darwinists described above.

Luckily, some parts of the Appalachian Mountains are so remote that remnant populations of dinosaurs survived. By the time the first intrepid mountaineers arrived in these regions, the dinosaurs had established small enclaves here and there. The mountaineers decided to nurture the dinosaurs as a good source of meat -- and protection from city slickers like Burt Reynolds.

Along came Darwin. The temporal existence of even a single T. Rex would reveal evolution for what it really is -- EVILution. Thinking quickly, the mountaineers formed DUMB to save the remaining dinos.

Thank goodness for Appalachians, because the situation was completely different in the Rocky Mountains. There, the evil, etc. etc. Darwinists arrived first. The evil, etc. etc. Darwinists murdered every Rocky Mountain dinosaur in cold blood, then chemically treated the bones to turn them into rock. The evil, etc. etc. Darwinists even went to the trouble to gouge out bone-shaped holes in rock strata to make it look like they were unearthing ... the word turns to ash in my mouth ... fossils.

In other parts of the world, the mountains were just too high and too cold to support dinosaur populations. Take your Alps, for example. Dinosaurs are cold-blooded. They couldn't deal with those glaciers. They also couldn't handle Yellowstone, for the opposite reason. Hot springs cook a dino.

Appalachia formed a perfect habitat because it is:
a) remote, and
b) temperate from the Mason-Dixon line on south.

So it has fallen upon the shoulders of the people of Southern Appalachia to hide, herd, and husband dinosaurs.

Whew. I'm glad this is out in the open. You have no idea how hard it's been to shelter T. Rexes since satellite imagery became so precise.

Tomorrow, or soon, I'll tell you all about some of my personal favorite dinosaurs! I've raised dozens. All of them very polite and well-behaved, very good with children and other pets. They really are wonderful animals. Everyone should have one, just like they show in the Creation Museum.


Hecate said...

And all this time, i thought that you were a simple goat judge.

MountainLaurel said...

LOL!! Thanks, Anne!

Davo said...

Hangs head in shame. Some of our Australian sons and daughters we will honour, and claim credit .. even if they weren't really born here .. but that one..mm.

Two lost now. Rupert Murdoch and Ken Ham. Valé.

Anonymous said...

Not sure how much of this is satirical. As a boy I actually had a pastor who said dinosaurs never existed and all the skeletons were fabricated by the scientific atheist conspiracy. He was, by the way, from New York.

Rodger Cunningham

TauRaven said...

This has all came as a big surprise to me, I thought the only Dino's left were way up north here in Michigan, imagine my suprise. Maybe now I can quit hiding that Mouseraptor in a cat costume.