Wednesday, December 27, 2006

A Pox Calypso

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," bringing you the very best and brightest gods and goddesses from around the world! Ask yourself how you would feel if folks used to throw festivals and slaughter the fatted calf for you, and now you're selling rip-off Dior handbags from a kiosk on a side street in Philly.

Remember, gods and goddesses are immortal. If they get downsized by zealous missionaries from another faith, they've still gotta earn a living.

It's always a pleasure to welcome a bored god to our site. That's why we're here! And it's a bonus if that god or goddess has a name that's easy to spell. Today we have just such a one here at our side. Please give a great big "Gods Are Bored" welcome to Chac, sacred god of the ancient Mayan people!

Anne: First off, Chac, thanks for the easy name. I thought all the Mesoamerican deities had hard-to-spell monikers.

Chac: Ah, that's the Aztecs and Incas. We Mayans had an extensive alphabet, and our scribes didn't want to get writer's cramp.

Anne: I suppose you're probably here because you want to comment on Mel Gibson's new movie, Apocalypto.

Chac: Absolutely correct. Have you seen it?

Anne: No, afraid not. I'm not into gore. The last Mel movie I saw was Braveheart, and to be frank I laughed through it. English soldiers weren't the only thing butchered in that flick. History took a shellacking as well. Is Apocalypto any more accurate?

Chac: Take a nut case with an agenda and a big budget, set him loose in the jungle, and you can just imagine what you get for your $8.50.

Anne: Yeah, I was afraid of that. So it's about as accurate a portrayal of the Mayan culture as Bonanza is an accurate portrayal of the Old West. I mean, you've got three guys living on a ranch, and never once do they get laid. You'd think just once Little Joe would say, "I'm so horny, I've got such a hard-on..."

Chac: Errr. Anne. I think you're quoting from a pretty authentic movie called Tin Men.

Anne: Why, so I was at that! Back to topic. Chac, I understand that despite the dissolution of your empire in pre-Colombian times, followed by centuries of smallpox, alcohol, genocide by various governments, and the inexorable missionaries, you still have a small praise and worship team.

Chac: It's just big enough that I can get by. And for that I'm very grateful. You should hear the tales poor old Baal tells!

Anne: And your verdict on Apocalypto?

Chac: Inaccurate in all but the smallest details. Insulting. Especially coming from a person whose praise and worship team has done its share of torturing, maiming, mass executions, and psychological damage.

Anne: Yes. Well. One would like to see Mr. Gibson tackle a bloody topic like the suppression of the Cathars or the Knights Templar by the Catholic Church. If he wants to wade knee-deep through blood he need look no further than Jacques de Molay.

Chac: Thank you for making that point. My sentiments exactly.

Anne: How did you like the part where the good Catholic missionaries came riding in to save the day ... like, 400 years early or something?

Chac: I tossed my ayahuasca.

Anne: I daresay.

Chac: Every bored god and goddess is wondering when Mel Gibson is going to descend on their praise and worship teams and make nasty movies about them. What a hypocrite! A certified wackadoo going 140 mph down Loony Lane without a map!

Anne: Chac, I think I like you exceedingly. Let me brew you a cup of ayahuasca. Can you stay for supper?

Chac: Sorry. This climate doesn't agree with me. My feet are cold.

Anne: Then by all means wing it back to the Yucatan. Drop by any time!

So there you have it. Straight from a bored god's mouth. But in case that isn't enough for you, here's the opinion of an expert.




buddy don said...

seems lack i larn sumthin evertime i drop by this here site. whar did ye larn so much bout all them gods?

me n miz bd is hopin ye n yers have ye a verr blessed (by as minny gods as ye kin muster up) new year.

Anne Johnson said...

My secret is God-Checker. It's in my sidebar.

BBC said...

Yup, immortal, omnipresent. And after thousands of years of putting up with organized religions and their insanities I've gotten a little cranky. :-)