It's not easy running a nation, even if that nation is a quarter acre. We've had some trouble here in the Independent Republic of Johnsonia.
On Groundhog Day, which is also Imbolc, our resident groundhog emerged from his lair, saw his shadow, and became furious at the thought of six more weeks of winter.
He lumbered out into the yard and called together a pack of savage (but not particularly intelligent) possums.
The groundhog whipped the possums into a frenzy by suggesting that after six more weeks of winter they would be dead of starvation. They wouldn't have their lives anymore! Then the groundhog pointed at the Gray House (where live the Wazoo and First Man) and said that the possums should go in there and help themselves to the foodstuffs!
In the darkness of night (because that's when possums operate), the beasts attempted to storm the Gray House. The only sentinel on alert that night was Gamma the cat, who fears his own shadow and is not inclined to move far from the fireplace. He was no help.
Fortunately, possums will take the course of least resistance. Finding the doors locked on the house, they raided the trash cans. And since it was just shy of pickup day, the cans yielded the kind of dross that possums just crave. They sated themselves on chicken bones, potato peels, and some pork roll that had grown a patina of furry mold, and then they dispersed. Left a mad mess behind, of course.
No harm, no foul. Just possums being possums.
But that groundhog. He's a troublemaker. He's gotta go.
We held a Tribunal about the groundhog. Rude Gamma just slept right through it. Nevertheless, the vote was unanimous. Groundhog has got to go.
It's a matter of borrowing a have-a-heart trap, luring that dangerous groundhog into it, and carting said hog deep into the Pine Barrens, where he will trouble the Independent Republic of Johnsonia no more.
That groundhog has been a source of frustration for years, but this whole possum thing was a bridge too far. Know what I mean?
Anne Johnson
Grand Wazoo, Independent Republic of Johnsonia
7 comments:
can we do that to #45? trap him and shoot him to the moon with no way of returning?
Ah - an exciting siege there in Johnsonia. Moral of the story seems to be - 1 relocate the groundhog (you have groundhogs there?) and 2 get trash cans with locking lids.
Enough is enough. Isn't that what Lindsey Graham said?
Love,
Janie
Possums are gullible and easily led, it's true. Groundhogs are nothin' but trouble with a capital T.
Possums are a pain
the Ol'Buzzard
That damned groundhog! Be thankful he didn't rile up a pack of squirrels and get them to invade your attic. Oof. I hope he enjoys living in the country.
they used to come here and eat cat food and play with dexter...
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