Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Ten Things That Raise the Hackles of the Bored Gods

I know, I know ... you're saying to yourself, "How does Anne get an inside track to the bored gods?" Have you no faith? I compiled an exhaustive survey of over 300 downsized deities, and here are the things that they're hating on just now:

1. Fracking. Hades says that if one more drill bit comes through the roof of His bedroom, He is going to send us an 8-point earthquake. You heard it here first.

2. Drones. Even the War Gods categorically detest drones and even guided missiles. Please forgive them for that, reader. It shows how old-fashioned they are, with antiquated notions about being able to visibly identify your enemy before you start randomly killing.

3. Global climate change. Only the gods are supposed to change the climate, and They are really pissed that the human race has figured out how to do this. They say They will issue a few more gentle warnings, and then ... forget it. We reap the oven.

4. Lil Bub. This one came out of nowhere. Just jealousy, I suppose. Or overkill.

5. Genetically Modified Organisms. The bored gods say They gave us some latitude to breed plants and animals in an old-fashioned way, leading to dachshunds and sweet corn. But splicing genes? Evil! Only the bored gods can alter genetics. Again comes a warning from various pantheons with no specific threat attached.

6. The busy god. Other deities claim They have never seen such hatred as this busy god engenders, especially since so much of it is aimed at other followers of the same god. The Aztec pantheon attributes this hatred to overpopulation of the planet, while the Norse deities blame it on global warming.

7. Machines. The vast majority of bored deities see machines of all kinds (except simple ones like the wheel and the pulley) as a threat to the future of the human race. More than one Goddess said that going back to grinding with a mortar and pestle would be preferable to hours spent on Facebook.

8. Greed. Have you ever heard of a deity who liked greedy people? This one is no surprise.

9. Bottled water. A hatred of this is pervasive among the bored gods, with more than one saying it should only be handed out for free, and only where the existing water supply is dirty or depleted.

10. Inconclusive response. Many of the questionnaires came back listing "Amazon" as something the bored gods hate. Our researchers cannot determine whether the deities meant the company, the warriors, or the river. Further study is needed.


Anonymous said...

Agreed that the bored Gods must be quite angry with all points listed. I resonate with all points but would like to add that with point 9-Bottled water-the amount of plastic used for bottles as we choke the oceans with plastic waste is needless and disgusting.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Poseidon-Neptune is kinda pissed off about what we're doing to the oceans too.


Freya says she's so pissed she's ready to smite some folks.

Maebius said...

yep. can't think of any other words to add beyond "yep", and a sigh. :

Anonymous said...

I hear Mercury is still peeved about having to sit through commercials when he is paying for cable.

Anne Basso said...

I found your blog as a suggestion from Bloglovin' and this is the first post I read.

I had to stop here:
"I know, I know ... you're saying to yourself, "How does Anne get an inside track to the bored gods?" "

You see, my name is Anne, and so my first reaction was, "Yes! How does Anne get an inside track to the bored gods?!?

I'm really enjoying this blog, especially as another properly spelled Anne. ;)

Anne Johnson said...

Anne checking in with Anne: Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," we appreciate your custom!