Wednesday, February 19, 2014

8 People Pagans Should Never Marry

A few years ago I subscribed to a Christian newsletter called Fire in My Bones, which is usually a pretty practical and no-nonsense read. Today it got dumped into my inbox with an article called 8 Women Christian Men Should Never Marry.

No big surprises here. Especially the number one woman a Christian man shouldn't marry: the non-believer.

Anyway, this concept got me thinking. Surely there are people that Pagans shouldn't marry!

I'm all about free advice, so here goes, Pagans:

8 People Pagans Should Never Marry

1. The zealot. Be very, very careful. It doesn't matter what religion the zealot follows ... if he or she thinks all other religions send you to Hell, that speaks to narrow-mindedness. Delete that listing.

2. The fracker. Someone who spends the day shooting chemicals into the bedrock probably won't see eye to eye with you on the need to protect the natural world. Stop looking for love at the electric company and go see those charmers at the wind farm.

3. The risk-adverse stay-at-homer. The stability of this person may appeal to you in deep mid-winter, but come festival season, his or her unwillingness to attend firewalks and sweat lodges will force you to make some uncomfortable decisions about how you spend your precious spare time. Plant that couch potato on someone else's lap, and get moving!

4. The faithful Christian. Sorry if this hits close to home, but if your significant other follows his or her holy book to the letter, you're going to be hearing lots of sermons about Jesus being the only way across the Great Divide. That's bound to get tedious, especially if paired with a crying newborn at 3:00 a.m.

5. The young earth theorist. Ten minutes in this person's company will have you begging for rescue by Bill Nye the Science Guy. For the love of fruit flies! Your deities have jars of jam that are more than 6,000 years old! You're honestly better off looking for a lifetime partner at band camp.

6. The tea party member. Privately, this person may think the world of you and cherish your beliefs. But in the harsh light of judgment by his or her peers, you are going to be deemed a menace to society. Talk politics on the first date! There's no worse way to waste your money than to wine and dine a potential mate who will drag you to a Sean Hannity rally the minute you pop the question.

7. The axe man (or woman). News flash: Commercial logging is the most dangerous job in America! And what is it, exactly? Cutting trees down! Not only will this person be incompatible with you spiritually, he or she is also likely to die young in a terrible mishap involving a murdered tree. Doesn't sound like a recipe for happiness to me.

8.The atheist. Giving you some tough love here, Pagans. When it comes to holding firm beliefs, atheists are a lot like Christians. They're going to be subtle, or they're going to be confrontational, but either way they're going to try to make you doubt your deities. Give it a go only if you can sway your atheist to some sort of blissful contemplation of the Divine. Your atheist need not embrace your Path, but he or she shouldn't be heaving bricks onto it, either. In all seriousness, here ... proceed with caution if you become involved with an atheist. If that big, broad, flexible outlook is nowhere to be seen, make a new plan, Stan.

So, there's some fine pre-marital advice from me, Anne Johnson, Pagan and married for almost 30 years!

And oh, by the way. Never say never. Love will always find a way. Best free advice I can give you is to follow your heart ... wherever it leads.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Maybe add snake handlers to that list, eh?

Swift Rabbit said...

lol loved this list! Perhaps include men who hate animals and men who are delusionally attached to their exotic animal arc to the point of denying the reality or their enclosures. Both are certain to leave the nature loving pagan with a sad heart.

Also avoid men with a phobia of arts and crafts or who have per-conceived notions about what crafts are meant only for the elderly. They will not appreciate how those inspired fill their house with many differing projects in a colorful half complete cluster.

Kimber said...

Anne, I love you.


With that said I've fallen off in my readership since the wee one was born and she's almost two. Whoops.

Ah so I married an Agnostic Atheist. On occasion I have to remind him that we have different beliefs and to knock it out with the not so funny comments. I have noticed however that I censor my beliefs around the home ie. speech and decorating. So that is something I am working on.

Kimberly in AK