Saying Happy Birthday to the Spare

Dear Spare,

Today is your sixteenth birthday. Here are some fine sentiments for you to ponder as you celebrate.

1. Way to pick a birthday, dummy! You'll owe the government your party money every year.

2. Happy birthday to someone who has the wisdom to stay in the car when her mother is dancing under a tree filled with 62 turkey vultures.

3. You're Old Greggg.

4. Free boat ride for 3.

5. I wonder if the boxing lessons I bought you will come back to haunt me some day.

6. It's never too soon to begin hunting for the right husband, so I just registered you with www.marryamillionaire.com. You're welcome!

7. As you pursue a career in theater, just remember what they said about Fred Astaire after his first Hollywood screen test: "Can't sing, can't act, can dance a little."

8. Dr. Seuss's art teacher told him to seek another profession besides drawing.

9. Sometimes I wish you were still the Library Baby.

10. They say beauty is only skin deep, but you prove otherwise.

11. Blessed be for avoiding alcohol, drugs, shopping malls, dudes who own motorcycles, cigarettes, Republicans, and cliques.

12. Laugh and the world laughs with you ... but you already knew that.

13. There are two things one can do when one has a weird, eccentric mother. The first option is to distance yourself from the eccentricity. The second is to embrace it and participate in it. Thank you for choosing Plan B.

14. I love you dearly, and so does Baby Lion.

15. Couldn't ask for a better partner for the Fairie Festival at Spoutwood Farm.

16. It may be your birthday, but do your homework and clean up your room! Slacker.

JK LOL. BFFL

Mom