Viracocha Wants His Stuff Back

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where the gods are boarded up into crates and shipped to museums! There they sit, locked in drawers, waiting to be gawked at by the proper Ivy League geek.

It's been quite awhile since we here at "The Gods Are Bored" interviewed a bored god. Today we have a visitor with a serious issue. He's been robbed. He knows where his stuff is, but the thieves won't give it back.

Please give a warm, wonderful "The Gods Are Bored" welcome to Viracocha, awesome creator deity of the ancient Inca peoples!

Anne: Viracocha, you don't need to wear your everyman beggar clothing around me. Go ahead and don the deity apparel. Ah! That's better. If a little bright.

Viracocha: Anne, did you go to Yale?

Anne: No, but President Dubya did, and if he's an example of what they produce there, I'm glad I opted for Billy Bob Agricultural University. (BBAU)

Viracocha: You know how much stuff Yale University has in its vaults that belongs to my praise and worship team?

Anne: Well, it says here in the newspaper that they've got 5,000 artifacts from Machu Picchu alone. But ... emmm ... I hope I'm not being impolite, but do you actually have a praise and worship team?

Viracocha: Would Pope Rat have one if some dude from Yale gathered up all the trappings in St. Peter's Square and locked them in drawers? I want my stuff back!

Anne: I hear you loud and clear. Just because some adventurer named Hiram Bingham found Machu Picchu lying vacated in 1911 gave him no call to scoop everything up and ship it to New Haven. Doesn't Peru have any museums and scholars?

Viracocha: Snobby American intellectuals! Of course we have museums and scholars! The people of Peru deserve to have their history where they can see it. And when they do see it, maybe I won't have to work in an Abercrombie & Fitch sweatshop anymore!

Anne: Is that where you work? Gosh, and I thought I had it rough! Viracocha, we at "The Gods Are Bored" have neither money nor power. But we stand on record as advocates for the swift return of all, and we mean ALL original archeological artifacts to the countries from which they have come. In this day and age of inventive duplication, the geeks at Yale ought to be able to make copies of the important stuff. Or get off their lard butts and fly to Peru to study your property.

Viracocha: Including the human remains.

Anne: Especially the human remains. We at "The Gods Are Bored" remind our readers that it could be their dear old granny who someday gets "excavated" and carted off to China for display. Just because it's an old human skeleton doesn't mean it wasn't once a person. A proud Inca person. Viracocha, how come these Yalies don't get cursed big time for keeping stuff that doesn't belong to them?

Viracocha: Well, I am a water god. I'm on my way to investigate the sprinkler system in Yale's anthropology and archeology classrooms.

Anne: I hope you get your stuff back. This is just another example of thoughtless American greed. Isn't the first, won't be the last. Help yourself to some stewed tomatoes on your way out, honored deity. After all, your people had a monopoly on tomatoes until 1492.

Viracocha: Thanks, Anne. Here's a coupon for 10 percent off your next purchase of Hershey's chocolate.

Anne: Excellent! That's something I really need! You're a nice god, Viracocha. Best of luck to you.