Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," reading the fine print in contests since 1976! If you enter contests, you know how important that can be.
Take the contest run yesterday by the Philadelphia Inquirer. They invited their readers to write the backstory behind a favorite literary character. The grand prize winner would get $400 worth of tickets to see Wicked, currently showing in Philly.
Fine print: Your entry would not be judged on merit, the prize would be random drawing, and your entry would become owned by the Philadelphia Inquirer.
By the time I read that part, I'd already come up with a great idea. So here it is, exclusive to "The Gods Are Bored!"
Nursery Rhyme Academy (NRA) Class Reunion 2007
Master of Ceremonies: Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty: Welcome, welcome one and all! I’m so glad you could make it to our NRA class reunion! Before we get started, can we give a big round of applause to the Four and Twenty Blackbirds for their fabulous entertainment?
(Enthusiastic applause)
Humpty Dumpty: Just a reminder, the Four and Twenty Blackbirds have a new CD coming out next month with Columbia Records, and you can catch them at the Wachovia Center on September 23rd. That is, if you can find a ticket! The show’s been sold out for weeks. Which makes us lucky to have the Four and Twenty in our NRA!
(Cheers, banging on tables)
Humpty Dumpty: Now we come to that part of the evening when we invite our classmates up to catch us up on their activities since being immortalized in a nursery rhyme. I don’t want anyone to be shy, so I’ll go ahead and break the ice … emmm … well, I’d rather not break any ice, you know, empathy and all that. Okay. As you know, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put me together again. Surprise, surprise. Wrong labor force, folks! It took the students at South Fork Middle School in Lonaconing, Maryland less than two hours to patch me, paint me with shatter-proof epoxy, and beautify me with this chip-resistant, day-glo acrylic. Don’t I look spiffy?
(Applause)
Humpty Dumpty: You could lob me off the rim of the Grand Canyon and I wouldn’t break. Oh, look at Little Miss Muffett! She’s thinking about it. Never has forgiven me for the time I dropped the brown recluse spider in her bowl of curds and whey. C’mon, Muffy! Why don’t you be our first speaker?
Little Miss Muffett: Thank you, Egghead. I just want everyone to know that Mr. Dumpty got the wrong species of spider in my chow, which saved my life but sent me into therapy. I would have pressed charges, but that would be against the peaceful goals of the NRA! Now I own a boutique in the Hamptons called A Tisket, a Tuffett. Prince Charles just bought sixteen of my custom tuffetts for Balmoral Castle. (To Humpty Dumpty) Beat that, Egghead!
Humpty Dumpty: Geez, it was only a little prank. Anyone else want to catch us up on your life? Mouse?
Mouse: Life was so simple in my “Hickory Dickory Dock” days. Up the clock, down the clock. Clock strikes one, I go to lunch. Wouldn’t you know it, the clock’s owner sold it on Ebay and didn’t tell me. One day I went in to run up the clock, and the doggone thing wasn’t there! Folks, unemployment is a scary thing. Fortunately I had a cousin in a control group at the local medical research lab. Control group is what you really want in medical research, because you’re the ones who get fed a regular diet while the other guys get the equivalent of 1700 Diet Cokes a day. So, it’s boring, but it’s a job. I do miss that clock. Oh, look, here’s Mary Mary!
Mary Mary, Quite Contrary: One day I got out of bed, and I asked myself, “Why am I throwing my life away tending that garden? All that fertilizer. All that weed killer. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars on heirloom plants and organic mulch. I mean, oh please. So I let the garden go to seed, and with all the time and money I saved, I earned a Ph.D. in geothermal dynamics at the University of Southern California. I’m the co-director of the Yellowstone Caldera Energy Initiative. We’re formulating strategies to tap the caldera as an alternative energy source. Anyone else?
Jack Sprat: My wife and I just want to say we’re so proud to be NRA!
(Applause)
Jack Sprat: You all know about the immense dietary restrictions my wife and I were forced to live with all those years. She could eat no lean, I could eat no fat. But this is the 21st century. We’ve solved our problem! We both eat carbs, carbs, nothing but carbs! Pass the cake!
Little Bo Peep: I’m glad someone’s happy about the 21st century. When I lost my sheep and didn’t know where to find them, someone told me to leave them alone, and they would come home. Guess what happened? A developer bought my pasture and built 1800 single-family homes with two-car garages. By the time my sheep came back, the Residents’ Association had passed a rule against ownership of farm animals. I had to move to Scotland. But I got even…
(Bo Peep dramatically extends hand toward audience. Black Sheep approaches the podium. Audience ooohs and ahhhs.)
Little Bo Peep: Yes, thanks to cloning and genetic engineering, I’ve so improved our Baa Baa Black Sheep that he now produces 25 bags of wool instead of three. I’ve replicated him 42 times. You do the math. I just bought a castle near Prince Charles. Miss Muffett, I’d like to see your shop.
Humpty Dumpty: Would anyone else like to share? Aha! Jack and Jill!
Jill: No more pails, no more well, it’s bottled water for us, purchased by the mega-case at Sam’s Club! The well was torn down and capped as a safety measure. We’re still in the kids’ magazine business, transitioning to online and interactive. Thank you for visiting our web site!
Humpty Dumpty: And last but not least, it’s our own little role model, Jack Be Nimble!
Jack Be Nimble: Okay, okay. So I jumped over a candlestick! Dumb, I’ll admit. But listen to this. Smokey the Bear saw me, and he made me write, “I Will Not Play With Fire” 10,000 times! Tell me that punishment fit the crime. The doctor says the chalk dust is embedded in my thumb forever. But hey, I’m nimble! If you need someone to sneak up a fire escape and jimmy a window…
Humpty Dumpty: Ahem, thanks, Jack! So great to see you! If there’s no one else who’d like to speak, let’s all join in the hymn to our alma mater:
All (singing):
Master of Ceremonies: Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty: Welcome, welcome one and all! I’m so glad you could make it to our NRA class reunion! Before we get started, can we give a big round of applause to the Four and Twenty Blackbirds for their fabulous entertainment?
(Enthusiastic applause)
Humpty Dumpty: Just a reminder, the Four and Twenty Blackbirds have a new CD coming out next month with Columbia Records, and you can catch them at the Wachovia Center on September 23rd. That is, if you can find a ticket! The show’s been sold out for weeks. Which makes us lucky to have the Four and Twenty in our NRA!
(Cheers, banging on tables)
Humpty Dumpty: Now we come to that part of the evening when we invite our classmates up to catch us up on their activities since being immortalized in a nursery rhyme. I don’t want anyone to be shy, so I’ll go ahead and break the ice … emmm … well, I’d rather not break any ice, you know, empathy and all that. Okay. As you know, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put me together again. Surprise, surprise. Wrong labor force, folks! It took the students at South Fork Middle School in Lonaconing, Maryland less than two hours to patch me, paint me with shatter-proof epoxy, and beautify me with this chip-resistant, day-glo acrylic. Don’t I look spiffy?
(Applause)
Humpty Dumpty: You could lob me off the rim of the Grand Canyon and I wouldn’t break. Oh, look at Little Miss Muffett! She’s thinking about it. Never has forgiven me for the time I dropped the brown recluse spider in her bowl of curds and whey. C’mon, Muffy! Why don’t you be our first speaker?
Little Miss Muffett: Thank you, Egghead. I just want everyone to know that Mr. Dumpty got the wrong species of spider in my chow, which saved my life but sent me into therapy. I would have pressed charges, but that would be against the peaceful goals of the NRA! Now I own a boutique in the Hamptons called A Tisket, a Tuffett. Prince Charles just bought sixteen of my custom tuffetts for Balmoral Castle. (To Humpty Dumpty) Beat that, Egghead!
Humpty Dumpty: Geez, it was only a little prank. Anyone else want to catch us up on your life? Mouse?
Mouse: Life was so simple in my “Hickory Dickory Dock” days. Up the clock, down the clock. Clock strikes one, I go to lunch. Wouldn’t you know it, the clock’s owner sold it on Ebay and didn’t tell me. One day I went in to run up the clock, and the doggone thing wasn’t there! Folks, unemployment is a scary thing. Fortunately I had a cousin in a control group at the local medical research lab. Control group is what you really want in medical research, because you’re the ones who get fed a regular diet while the other guys get the equivalent of 1700 Diet Cokes a day. So, it’s boring, but it’s a job. I do miss that clock. Oh, look, here’s Mary Mary!
Mary Mary, Quite Contrary: One day I got out of bed, and I asked myself, “Why am I throwing my life away tending that garden? All that fertilizer. All that weed killer. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars on heirloom plants and organic mulch. I mean, oh please. So I let the garden go to seed, and with all the time and money I saved, I earned a Ph.D. in geothermal dynamics at the University of Southern California. I’m the co-director of the Yellowstone Caldera Energy Initiative. We’re formulating strategies to tap the caldera as an alternative energy source. Anyone else?
Jack Sprat: My wife and I just want to say we’re so proud to be NRA!
(Applause)
Jack Sprat: You all know about the immense dietary restrictions my wife and I were forced to live with all those years. She could eat no lean, I could eat no fat. But this is the 21st century. We’ve solved our problem! We both eat carbs, carbs, nothing but carbs! Pass the cake!
Little Bo Peep: I’m glad someone’s happy about the 21st century. When I lost my sheep and didn’t know where to find them, someone told me to leave them alone, and they would come home. Guess what happened? A developer bought my pasture and built 1800 single-family homes with two-car garages. By the time my sheep came back, the Residents’ Association had passed a rule against ownership of farm animals. I had to move to Scotland. But I got even…
(Bo Peep dramatically extends hand toward audience. Black Sheep approaches the podium. Audience ooohs and ahhhs.)
Little Bo Peep: Yes, thanks to cloning and genetic engineering, I’ve so improved our Baa Baa Black Sheep that he now produces 25 bags of wool instead of three. I’ve replicated him 42 times. You do the math. I just bought a castle near Prince Charles. Miss Muffett, I’d like to see your shop.
Humpty Dumpty: Would anyone else like to share? Aha! Jack and Jill!
Jill: No more pails, no more well, it’s bottled water for us, purchased by the mega-case at Sam’s Club! The well was torn down and capped as a safety measure. We’re still in the kids’ magazine business, transitioning to online and interactive. Thank you for visiting our web site!
Humpty Dumpty: And last but not least, it’s our own little role model, Jack Be Nimble!
Jack Be Nimble: Okay, okay. So I jumped over a candlestick! Dumb, I’ll admit. But listen to this. Smokey the Bear saw me, and he made me write, “I Will Not Play With Fire” 10,000 times! Tell me that punishment fit the crime. The doctor says the chalk dust is embedded in my thumb forever. But hey, I’m nimble! If you need someone to sneak up a fire escape and jimmy a window…
Humpty Dumpty: Ahem, thanks, Jack! So great to see you! If there’s no one else who’d like to speak, let’s all join in the hymn to our alma mater:
All (singing):
NRA, NRA, portal to a brighter day
Happy children come to play
Smiles and laughter, that’s our way!
NRA, NRA, loyal to you we will stay
Reaping all that’s bright and gay
Keep the children safe, we pray!
Happy children come to play
Smiles and laughter, that’s our way!
NRA, NRA, loyal to you we will stay
Reaping all that’s bright and gay
Keep the children safe, we pray!
And to all a good night.
2 comments:
*Yawns*
wickedly funny!
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