Pity Poor Pastor. Not.

Did you see this story, readers?

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/applebees-waitress-fired-pastor-receipt-193820748.html

A pastor, having received a hefty bill for a largish sup at Applebees, took umbrage with the 18 percent gratuity that had been tacked on, left $0 for a tip, and asked why a waitress should get 18 percent when God only gets 10 percent?

The waitress who leaked the snarky receipt has been canned by the (largely inedible and comprhensively fattening) Applebees chain.

Well, pastor Alois Bell. This is embarrassing to you, or so you say. How do you feel, having deprived a young woman of her job? That's what should be embarrassing! You should be down there at Applebees, trying to get that stripling's job back for her ... and paying the restaurant-issued gratuity.

Furthermore, here's a news flash for Alois Bell and her ilk from the staff of "The Gods Are Bored":

God is rich.

Yes! Moment to moment, Yahweh is richer than even the richest human on the planet! Just look at all the churches! From magnificent cathedrals to humble Methodist nursery schools, those places cost money! Look at how these pastors clothe themselves! Very few of them take the straight-and-narrow Mennonite view of simplicity in attire. After all, parishioners want their pastors to be gilded up. And yes, I know this is not exclusive to Christianity! It's just blatantly visible in Christianity these days. (My sis-in-law told me that one robe for a Vatican Cardinal costs $30,000.)

We at "The Gods Are Bored" think like this: If you're going to make a living off Yahweh, as all pastors do, you ought not be stingy. Judging by your bling, Ma'am, you are living large off the Lord. If you give Him ten percent, that's ten percent of a salary you're earning off Yahweh in the first place! I call that a kickback.

And Applebees! Gracious gateway to Future Alcoholics of America! Why would you fire a waitress for being frustrated at serving a large party and getting snark for her efforts?

Well, once again, we at "The Gods Are Bored" have an answer to this question: It's easy to fire an employee than to re-think an automatic gratuity policy that leaves diners feeling over-charged. Granted, most people are cheap cheap cheap when it comes to tipping, particularly when the feast is well-attended and the tab sky-high. But we at "The Gods Are Bored" think that a paltry tip is better than zero, and a kind recommendation on a menu or bill is better than a mandatory fee.

Back to Applebees. Hate to tell you this, booze-bucket chain, but the publicity over this may sink you deeper than it does poor, sad, embarrassed Alois Bell. Most of us hard-working Americans will feel far more sympathetic towards the undone waitress than the prickly pastor. And most of us are fed up to the gills with big, impersonal garbage restaurant chains.

To summarize:

1. God is rich.
2. Waitresses are not rich.
3. Alois Bell is a poster child for dwindling church enrollment. She's eating into God's bottom line.
4. Applebee's serves calorie-larded food and drinks strong enough to kill flesh-eating bacteria.
5. Workers should have the right to vent their frustration without fear of reprisal, so long as no one gets hurt and the furniture isn't stained.

The word of Vulture for the people of Vulture. Thanks be to Vulture! (Whose tithe is a dead skunk ... how about that?)

Snow Turkey

Hello, greetings! After almost eight years it might be time to retire the stale old hello that usually pops up at this site.

Imbolc is nigh, and it is my favorite holy day in the calendar. My altar Goddess is Brighid, so She is very important to those quiet moments when I am being serious, grounded and calm. Oh yeah, and She's out and about with me the rest of the time, too, because if She waited for me to be serious, She'd never see me at all!

Today's Sermon: Save for Snow Day, or Roast on Imbolc?

Right after Thanksgiving, the local grocery store offered the leftover fresh turkeys at the unbelievable rate of $.30 a pound. I got a whopping big turkey for less than the price of those silly boneless breasts!

Home I stolled with the monster bird, and I flung it straight into the freezer. Its due date had arrived, after all.

This was maybe the Monday after Thanksgiving. So I told myself I would either roast the turkey on a snow day, or I would roast it on Imbolc if we didn't have a serious snowfall.

We haven't had a serious snowfall. We've recorded one inch, twice, and that's that. Last night it rained like the heavens above were bursting at the seams, but that was rain. Very little snow, for the second year in a row.

I'm ready to thaw out the turkey and shove it in the oven for Imbolc. We can get snow in New Jersey during February and March, but why wait around and see?

In a rare moment of seriousness, I would like to remind everyone that Queen Brighid the Bright is a bored Goddess, and if you pray to Her, She will bless you -- not necessarily with big bucks and vibrant good health, but just with a soothing presence. If you have never called upon Her, this weekend is the time to do it. We should all make Her feel empowered, consequential, and honored. Then She won't be bored, and She won't have to settle for the "St. Brigid" crap that was shoved onto Her by impatient Christian missionaries.

Maybe it's time for an interview! I'll see if the Great Goddess Brighid is available. We can talk turkey.

Lemonade

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," bringing you tragic news today ...

There will be no East Coast Vulture Festival in Wenonah this year.

I have not gotten the flurry of emails that I would have gotten in the past. I have not rented the vulture costume. This is a day that no one looked forward to more than me, and it is not to be.

My guess is that the vultures have moved on. Since Spare filmed "Momma Bird," it has been very hard to find the huge flocks of turkey and black vultures that were descending on the town in droves. I think it's that way with vultures. They stay awhile and then they go.

However, just because there's no East Coast Vulture Festival this year doesn't mean that we, yes we, you and I, can't create one!

"The Gods Are Bored" hereby declares Saturday, March 2 East Coast Vulture Day!

Contribute your favorite vulture pictures, stories, or comics to this blog, all to be published on March 2, 2013!

All you have to do is email your submission to   luvbuzzards at yahoo dot-you-know-the-drill. That's me.

We can turn this happy space into a Vulture Day and have some laughs doing it!

Who is with me?

Guest Blogger: The Spare

Well well! I have a day off! Here's a little essay by my daughter, the Spare, with some frank talk about relationships in the under-20 set!  Take it away, Spare!

I’ve been dumped. Maybe there are better ways of phrasing that last


statement. Perhaps this story should be told in a Shakespearean-style

sonnet to amp up the drama and romance, but why exaggerate the

situation when it’s so simple? I’ve been dumped. Dumped like a worn

out pair of tennis shoes.

To put it briefly, Boy is in a committed relationship with Girl A,

but meets Girl B and questions the validity of his committed

relationship. Boy ends his cataclysmic relationship with Girl A and

pursues Girl B. Boy then proceeds to start and end a relationship with

Girl B within the span of one moon cycle, because he realizes his love

for Girl A is undying no matter how unhealthy they are for one

another. Girl B dyes the tips of her hair pink in order to prove she’s

“totally cool” and moving on.

I don’t blame Boy for toying with both of the girls’ emotions. I

blame Girl B for being so naive and determined to make things work

with a guy who couldn’t be more wrong for her. I blame myself. Not

that I’m sitting here hating myself, listening to Nazareth's

heartbreaking ballad “Love Hurts” on repeat whilst finding solace at

the bottom of a gallon of Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream ice cream

or anything.

This entire experience has showed me how much I have grown in the

past years (mentally of course, because physically, I still have the

body of a 14 -year-old girl). If this whole debacle had happened just

three years ago I would have lost it. In fact, I would



have most likely responded similarly to that of a scorned female lover

in a country song. Now I just grin and bear it. At first I felt a bit

crushed, but then when I got to thinking, I realized how useless it

was to feel any semblance of pain for a guy who was opposite from me

in all ways. If I were the dewy jungle floor, he’d be the cracked and

dessicated desert sand. Nothing about us matched. He hated my favorite

things and I his. I could spend hours talking about how incredible

organisms on the abyssal plane are, while he could spend hours talking

about advances in auto parts technology. Which meant that we spent

hours talking about absolutely nothing, because we bored each other to

no end. So it was no surprise when the tiny spark of our relationship

blew out.

When I was a child, I would spend hours watching movies and

television. It was an easy escape from the scary things in life, the

most horrifying being growing up. I didn’t have my eyes glued to

meaningless crap though. No, I watched far more enlightening programs:

Chick Flicks! I was certain that my life had to mirror that of Reese

Witherspoon’s circa “Sweet Home Alabama,” or just about any Julia

Roberts movie. I’m ashamed to say that only now is it settling in that

my life doesn’t have to be like a movie, especially not like a Chick

Flick, which I now recognize as the foulest creation of anything in

the world of cinema -- only a step above Pauly Shore films. I will

never be the leading lady of my own little Rom-Com, because those

women don’t exist in the real world. In the real world you’re lucky if

you can find someone who you can have an awkward silence with and

revel in it, something I could never have with Boy.

Now, for what feels like the first time in a decade, I’m without

someone holding onto my heart. In an attempt to create the picturesque

life, I let myself go from guy to guy whether it was a meaningless

crush, a foolish infatuation, or a full-fledged squeeze. I got



hurt many times and undoubtedly hurt others. I let people, like Boy,

use me and used

other people to make myself feel like a complete person. All for the

sole reason that the television told me that in order to be a whole

person I had to have a significant other. However, who gets to define

what a significant other is? Almost everyone close to me is

significant. So wouldn’t that make me one super omnipowerful mega

complete person? Probably not, but regardless, with all the friends

and family members that make such an incredible impact on my life, why

should I be so inclined to forge a relationship that I will settle for

someone who is my anti-soul mate? As I consider all these things I

can’t help but be happy that I’m “alone.”

While I probably made very little impact in Boy’s life, he made a

massive one in mine. Perhaps all it took for me to have this epiphany

was maturity and a small touch of heartache. I’m feeling driven and

stronger than I have ever felt in my life and maybe that is cliche to

say, but sometimes in order to grow in life you have to be cliche.

Yeah, I’ve been dumped, but so what? I like to trash pick.

Where Snow Is the Big Story

 Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Baby, it's cold outside! And inside too. I'm not pouring money into heating this drafty, big old house. That's what sweatshirts are for.

NEWSFLASH! IT'S GONNA SNOW!

I've never gotten over the hoo hah about snow here in Great Blue New Jersey and it's nearby city, Philadelphia. If the forecast calls for a dusting of snow, it's the lead story on every news channel for two days. The minute a flake flies, everything grinds to a halt.

You would think this is South Carolina or something, the way they take on about wintry precipitation.

Every few years we get a whopper of a blizzard, sort of like Hurricane Sandy except snow and far less flooding. I can see the reasoning behind doing some serious reporting about such an event as this. (Although they usually get the snow totals wrong anyway.) Yesterday we got a little Alberta Clipper, and for all intents and purposes regarding the television and radio media, the world was coming to an end.

If you walk outside in the morning to find a little dusting of snow on your car, rest assured you don't live in Philadelphia. A dusting of snow is cataclysmic.

Why am I ranting about this? Well, you see, I like snow. I've always liked snow. The more the better. when I lived in Detroit, I was in hog heaven. Therefore it is exceedingly annoying when the weather forecasters start bleating about a snowstorm days in advance, and then it either doesn't materialize, or it lightly dusts the ground.

Don't worry. You don't need to navigate the stupid captcha thing to give me free advice. I'm boycotting news radio until spring. The reality is that we don't get much snow here in southern New Jersey, and that's that. All the hype in the world won't turn anything white.

Have an ice day!

FROM ANNE

The Unfair Interference of Meng Po

You know what's really unfair? Certain deities mess with you whether you want them to or not. I'm not the only one who has issues with this. Look at poor Odysseus! Make a little progress, get smacked down. Sheesh.

Last night my daughter The Spare phoned me with a few short questions about the year in which she was born. After the personal stuff, like her particular birth (which I pretty much remember), she started asking other questions. What was going on politically? Were there any inventions? Advances in science? What was the popular music of the time?

beep beep beep beep beep! Alarm in Anne's brain!

I couldn't remember anything at all about 1994 except that The Spare was born. I used to take her with me to the public library when I was doing my research for my job. The janitor there called her "Library Baby."

So, there's 1994 for you. Library Baby was born.

This can only be the nefarious work of the bored Goddess Meng Po, whose duty it is to wipe our memories clean after death so that we can be reincarnated and start making stupid mistakes all over again.

I would put in a phone call to the Chinese Underworld, but I can't remember the number. And the Goddess What's Her Name is hard to get hold of anyway, because there are so many people being reincarnated all at once. I think.

What pantheon are we talking about here? Oh! Chinese! I dimly remember something about a wall.

Did I say that it's not fair when deities make life difficult for you while you're still on this side of the veil? Aren't we, as fallible mortals, more than capable of screwing up ourselves?

But honestly, I cannot think of a single other reason why I cannot recall one single song from a whole year, or whether or not Mr. J had already begun selling books on Ebay.

Yikes! I can't even recall a memorable vulture sighting from that era!

Someone tell Goddess Whozit to restore my memory! I look back through the mists of my life and see ... not a whole lot.

Of course, maybe She was aided and abetted by ... mmmmm ... what is it? That stuff you drink that makes you giggle.

Why am I writing this?

Inauguration 2013

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Politics and religion make strange bedfellows. But all too often, there they are, trying to sleep together. Never works, does it? They kick each other under the covers.

I remember the first time President Obama was inaugurated. Everything ground to a halt in this school where I teach. We were all so excited about the new era we were going to have in this country. It seemed personified by the dynamic young African American man who stood poised to lead the way.

So, four years later, I went to the thrift store instead of watching the inauguration. Before you jump all over me, let's look at Chateau Johnson and see if the previous four years have brought change we believe in:

1. Mr. J has taken pay cuts and has been forced to take a furlough week each year.  His union is currently being asked to take a 20 percent pay cut. It will probably be negotiated down to 15 percent. By October he won't even have a union.

2. One daughter has finished college. Our monthly tuition payments for her hovered around $800.00. She is now $25,000 in debt -- or, basically, the price of a car she cannot afford to buy. She has a part-time job, which is better than her friends, who are mostly unemployed or working in such prime locations as South Korea.

3. At the beginning of January, both Mr. J and I lost a combined $120 or more in additional weekly taxes. I thought those tax increases were only going to be on the rich.

4. Another daughter in college -- payments $900 a month. Not sure about her loans yet.

5. More money for health care. This year 4 percent of salary, next year 6 percent of salary.

6. I've been working without a contract since 2011; hence, no raise in pay. My salary has declined.

7. Tonight Snobville residents are being asked to vote on the construction of artificial turf fields, with parking, as an annual addition of $190 to the yearly-escalating property tax. Ready for this, readers? My property taxes are almost $12,000 a year. If they don't hit that sweet spot this year, they will shortly.

So you'll forgive me if I skipped the platitudes about how wonderful this nation is. This nation should be three or four nations. It's too big to govern, and the political schisms cause legislative gridlock. The leader who seemed so promising four years ago just looks like another name on a plaque.

Why did I go to the thrift store? I've lost so much weight from worry that my clothes don't fit me anymore. Another pound this week! It was half price day at the thrift store, and I got a pair of jeans. Change I can believe in.

13 minute vent

I have influenza. It sucks.

I've been sitting around covered with a blanket for three days and don't feel much better.

I made some doctor appointments just because I had some time on my hands.

One of the doctors has gone online. It took me 45 minutes to fill out their online form.

Thus using up the battery on my netbook.

I don't like online medicine. Not at all. When it comes to saying, "AHHHHH," I should not need a freaking password with at least one number and one #$@#@$@#$#$.

LOW BATTERY. @#$#@$!!!

Boxing without Referee: Promised Land

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," proudly replacing Roger Ebert as the premiere film reviewer of modern America! Why, yes, film-goer! About twice a year you can come to this site and find a fabulous movie to attend. Or not.

A few weeks ago I went to see "Lincoln." The theater was crowded, and the sound was so low I was worried that I was losing my hearing. But I digress. Before the showing of "Lincoln," one of the eight previews was for a film called "Promised Land." If Hal Holbrook and that cute guy from "Office" are in it, and it's filmed in Pennsylvania, and it's about fracking, I'll suffer through Matt Damon.

Last night Mr. J and I went to see "Promised Land." And take it from someone who despises the entire idea of hydraulic fracturing of Marcellus Shale in rural areas of Pennsylvania: This film stinks.

They say that the documentary "Gas Land" is slanted. Well, there's slanted, and there's horizontal. I don't think I have ever sat through a more poorly-acted, completely unbalanced, and shamelessly overdone piece of propaganda -- and I vividly remember Mel Gibson in "The River."

Mr. J and I would have been better served to stay home and watch the "Pawn Stars" marathon.

I'm going to spoil this movie rotten so you won't waste your precious ducats on it. Matt Damon and Frances McDormand are two egg-sucking corporate scoundrels sent into a bucolic hamlet somewhere in a part of Pennsylvania that looks absolutely nothing like the many parts of Pennsylvania I've seen. Must be in the north somewhere. It's their job to sign up dumb yokels (if it's rural, there have to be yokels, right?) for rights to frack the land.

Enter the noble Hal Holbrook who, in this film, has all kinds of fancy engineering degrees from places like Columbia and Yale. Except now, doddering though he is, he's teaching science at the run-down high school. Noble Hal leads a group of stalwart farmers who cleave to the land ... and urges some kind of "vote" on the issue.

Then enters the young cutie from "The Office." As befits a blogger, I know that his name is John Krazinski because I just asked Spare, but she couldn't spell it off the top of her head, so. Okay. This is a blog. Spelling doesn't count.

John is an environmentalist who has a small little outfit called "Athena." (Readers, trust me on this. Athena did not sign off on this use of Her name.) He takes some hush money from ravenous Matt and Frances, and then he uses it to make signs with dead cows. "Say No to Global."

Ah, "Global." The New World Order come to wreck the Pennsylvania hinterlands.

Spoiler non-alert. John the environmentalist turns out to be yet another pawn in the game of life, sent by Global Gas Galacticus, LL.C. to support clueless Matt and Frances in a sneaky way. In the end, Matt turns hero and tells the town to vote down gas drilling. Exit into sunset with a local gal who came home to her beloved family farm.

For my money, even this gal's farm vista didn't do Pennsylvania proud. Where was this turkey filmed?

Fracking is very controversial, and there are plenty of Pennsylvanians already who gladly go to hearings and lectures to show pictures of their wasteland properties and tell stories of their personal woes. There are also economists who use their economist smartness to show that all the jobs being promised to rural areas are temporary in nature: Once the wells are drilled, the drillers move on. Evidence is abundant and growing to prove that the process is faulty and extremely poisonous even on its good days.

(When a couple of gas company geeks tried to hold a Town Hall meeting in the township where my dear former farm was located, they drew a standing-room, well-informed crowd who promptly booed their PowerPoint presentation and told them to toddle. There will be no fracking in or near Artemas, PA 17211.)

So, why would presumably smart actors like Matt Damon, Frances McDormand, and Hal Holbrook sign up for such a piss-poor two hours of treacle? How can you make a film about fracking without a single shot of a gas pipeline or drilling rig? There are plenty in Pennsy just now.

I dunno. But viewer, if you drop your ducats on this flop, be forewarned. It's you that's the chump, not the poor yokels of Who-Knows-Where, PA.

The proof is in the producing. "Promised Land" was financed by Imagenation Abu Dhabi. Like, seriously. I am not making this up. Even the Joker and the Penguin aren't this duplicitous.

So a movie bashing fracking, and doing so with a monumental propagandizing stupidity, was financed by our finest supplier of overseas crude oil. Priceless.

I'm surprised Massey Coal didn't send in a stipend.

Long sermon short, it's always refreshing to see one despoiler of the environment try to knock off another despoiler of the environment. Free advice? Use less energy, beginning with saving the gas it would take you to drive to the theater to see "Promised Land."

Worried Sick

Some things are so ancient that we forget why and how they came about. One of these things, I think, must be the concept of being "worried sick."

When you're "worried sick" about something, or more than one thing, you lose your appetite. In the worst cases, you just can't eat at all. I've experienced a great deal of this over the past six months, and it is now moving into a new year with the pangs still firmly in place.

Could there be a reason, known to the bored gods but not the busy one, why people worry themselves sick?

Imagine that the tribe has fallen upon hard times, and there's not enough food for your children. Perhaps you're insecure because your loved ones are dying, or being killed, or deserting. It makes sense, in this situation, for you to shut down your own metabolism so that your offspring will have more resources at their disposal.

This is psychologically-based, of course. Logic would dictate that you remain powerful by eating and exercising and getting lots of sleep ... the better to help your tribe. But self-sacrifice is also logical. It's logical and admired.

Many religions have periods of fasting and feasting. When times are bad, the fasts last longer and the feasts are cancelled or scaled back. I've polled the bored gods, and they say that they are every bit as impressed by people who fast and deprive themselves as they are by people who chow down and throw big parties.

People who don't worry themselves sick will tell you that such worry shortens your life. Yes, I imagine that it does. But in the Old Days, you would have been more willing to get out of the way for the next generation, if the going was tough. At least that's how I look at it.

This cheerful little essay has no uplifting message or happy zinger at the end of it. I know I shouldn't worry myself sick. I just wish I knew how to put the brakes on it. Maybe you can suggest a good bored deity for such issues?

Free Advice on Dating and Other Matters of Love

Look here. I'm not complaining. In fact, I'm quietly happy. But it still is baffling. Perhaps the work of a jealous bored Goddess.

My two beautiful daughters are unlucky in love.

Spare had attracted the attention of a young lad she met during her first term in college. I figured she would be dating seriously by this time in her college career, seeing as how she hadn't had a real boyfriend since early high school.

Wouldn't you know. She had one formal date with the lad, and two days later he has given her the gentle heave-ho.

Well, there you are. I mean to say, this is not such bad news for a parent who is shelling out ducats on college tuition. However, to Spare it is distressing. I had to pull her bodily out of the kitchen before she began to rage-cook a turkey dinner.

No daughter wants to hear from her mom that the best of all possible worlds is to work hard and make a place for yourself in the world before you turn a batting eyelash upon a likely lad. But that is the free parental advice I dole out to both of my young daughters.

This is the boring kind of blah blah blah you can expect from a mother. Goes in one ear, out the other.

Spare has gone to the home of a chum to bury herself in Chinese food and talk down the opposite gender. I'm sitting here with my dear cat, Alpha, who -- after giving us a holiday scare -- seems to have come back into her wits.

It can't hurt to ask a cat for dating advice. Why not? Alpha was towing a kitten through the dumpster when she was rescued by a crazy cat lady.

Anne: Alpha. What's your advice for finding true love?

Alpha: Don't think about it at all until you go into heat. Then, any tomcat will do.

Ahem. Thanks, Alpha. Sound advice ... if you're a cat. I'm glad I asked you, and not Spare!

Free advice on matters of love? Spay or neuter your pet.

Have a nice day!

Transcendental Mummitation

Don't know about you, but I just can't meditate. They say nervous people have trouble meditating, and I'm nervous. I've tried many times, with various praise and worship options, to meditate quietly for transcendant purposes. Epic fail.

This doesn't mean that I can't have moments of transcendance. There are whole, wonderful varieties of meditation that are simply great for nervous people. You totally leave yourself behind and completely live in the moment -- joyous and at peace.

If you don't think that dressing up in a very fancy costume and dancing, wildly, to bring joy and awe to others is meditation, well. Who the heck are you, and what closet have you been hiding in?

All the best and brightest deities, including the Busy God, include singing and dancing in Their rituals. Archeologists have found unspeakably ancient flutes carved from animal horns. And let me tell you from a vast trove of personal experience: You can make almost anything into a drum. You don't even need a "thing" in the first place! You can snap your fingers or pat your lap with your hands!

(Don't get me started on tap dancing. It's drumming with your feet, and I know how to do it.)

I respectfully submit that, for every person who has sat quietly, grounded, centered, and breathing, there is a person who has leaped around laughing and singing and winding up with the same results. Just as there is more than one route between Detroit and Tampa, there is more than one route to transcendance.

Oh, I am boing myself to tears here! Come on, ladies, let's strut!

It is simply wonderful to strut up Philadelphia's Broad Street on New Year's morning, dancing with spectators and flinging beads to wide-eyed tots. There's a sense of camaraderie within your group, and a feeling of oneness with the people on the sidewalk.

All of this preaching stems from the fact that I can't yet find a YouTube of our Two Street Stompers Comic Brigade 2013 routine. I'll fling it up here as soon as I can. I may fling a few more routines from other clubs at you as well, because the whole idea is to get you laughing.

Laugh. Dance. Strut. Shine. This is pleasing to the deities, bored and otherwise!

(PS - If you are a calm and quiet person, this means of transcendental meditation might be an epic fail for you. Free advice to you? Ground, center, breathe.)

Mummer, It's Cold Outside!

I'm just back from a more fun than all get out serious and grueling Two Street Stompers practice, in which we danced and partied the afternoon away rehearsed our routine until it reached epic silliness perfect precision!

It was cold as the Devil's cheeks out there, but I like cold weather.

I'm going to date myself beyond all doubt. Back in the day, there was a family called "The King Family" that performed musical specials on t.v. once or twice a year. It was an extended family of about 50 people -- cousins, uncles, in-laws, grandparents. And they all seemed to get along so well together! Anyway, long story short, the Two Street Stompers sort of remind me of the King Family. Most of them are related in some way. Some have been marching since they were kids. They took me in, and I'm glad. I love it.

A local t.v. station did a short piece on the Stompers. I've posted it below. When you see people dancing Gangam style, I'm the one in the black jacket with gold sleeves behind the TNT box. Clearly in my element.

Two Street Gold Rush!

Two Street Stompers

Visit from Bored Goddesses: Bast and Freya

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Seems like a while since I checked in. Well, we have been making merry here at Chateau Johnson. My daughters Heir and Spare got me the nicest gifts! Heir bought me a portable drum for drum circles, a real one from India, and Spare got me a faerie that I named Yule.

Here is a photo of the three of us that Spare's gentleman caller snapped for Mr. J:

EXHIBIT A: THE STARS OF THIS BLOG

That's Heir on the left, me, and Spare.

We have had some company here in the way of bored Goddesses. You see, my cat Alpha has entered extreme old age and is getting more frail by the day. Alpha has long been blessed by Bast and by Freya (the Latter loving it when Alpha bore Her chariot), and They are here giving solace to Alpha as she dwindles. I cannot tell you how lovely it is to have Goddesses caring for my cat!

Oh well, and yes, Mr. J and I are spoiling Alpha rotten by giving her all the foods she has been denied her whole life, like lunch meat and table spoils.

Bast is also quite tickled about the upcoming 2013 Philadelphia Mummers Parade. I showed Her some film footage from previous parades, and She was quite impressed! She said that Alexandria never had a finer spectacle, even at the height of its power! So, how about that?

This afternoon Bast helped me spray paint my sneakers a shiny metallic gold, Rustoleum reluctantly purchased from my nemesis store, Home Depot. While She and I were busy spraying, Alpha went missing for a time, outside. Of course I thought immediately of faerie abduction, and for the next hour I searched for Alpha fruitlessly. But some time after dark, Bast and Freya found Alpha and brought her back inside.

Tomorrow is Mummers practice. I get my suit! Stay tuned for some photos that will hardly be fit to print!

Results Must Be Measurable

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" The title of this post is "teacher lingo." It means that you must have some written proof that your students have learned what you set out to teach them.

But I think "results must be measurable" can apply to lots of other things as well.

For years I wondered why Christmas came five days after the winter solstice, and not right on it.

Voila! I'm not the quickest thinker, but I might have figured it out.

After the shortest period of daylight each year, we gain a half minute to a minute of extra daylight per 24-hour cycle. I guess it would take five days or so before the extra daylight would be measurable. It's like our ancient forebears had to be certain that the Sun was returning before they threw a party for it.

Yuletide, explained ... at least to my not-so-nimble mind.

On behalf of the staff of "The Gods Are Bored," and all the Ancient Ones whose praise and worship teams marked this part of the year with feasts, I wish you a peaceful and pleasant holiday. Set some mulled wine aside for the faeries, sing a carol or two, and enjoy the company of your nearest and dearest.

Blessings to all,

Anne
Crazy Buzzard Lady

Funny Holiday Banter

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Do you think this is the most wonderful time of the year? Me neither!

It's dark. It's cold. The traffic is terrible. And it's hard not to overspend when the too-loud Xmas carols mess with your mind.

I've always said that I could gladly go from Thanksgiving to New Year's Eve without stopping for Xmas at all.

Well, problem with that, these days, is that I would miss crucial Mummers practices, mid-month and toward New Year's Eve. So I've become reconciled to the whole Christmas season.

Today Mr. J and I bravely sallied forth to obtain foodstuffs for the holiday feasting. We went to this behemoth of a store called Wegman's. The thing about Wegman's is that they have a lot of stuff that is partially prepared, and all you have to do is bung it into the oven and set the timer. That's my kind of cooking.

Trouble is, that's the kind of cooking that appeals to most people. For the love of fruit flies, that place was packed! It was shopping cart gridlock. Every aisle was impassible. Gods forbid you had to stop and look at something, because you would start a huge bottleneck. Damned good thing that shopping carts don't have horns on them! It would have been honk heaven in there.

After an hour or more of wrestling our way through the store, Mr. J and I had a modest cartful of groceries. We took our place in one of the long lines by a cash register. Then Mr. J went to look for another item. I was on my own, and in my usual friendly Appalachian way, I just started talking to everyone around me.


First I told the checker, "I think you're lucky to be working here. This company is really going gangbusters."

He said, "Yeah, we're doing pretty well."

I said, "Now, the guys at the top might tell you otherwise, but don't believe it. I know success when I see it."

Then he rang up my total, and it was the highest price I have ever paid in a grocery store. My jaw dropped. I gasped. Mr. J walked up, and I tried to shield him from the bottom line.

That's when it got funny. The guy behind me in line, seeing my dismay, started singing, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year." He looked at me and laughed and said, "Aren't you glad it only happens once a year?"

And I said, "Well, I don't know about you, but my family is going to be like the Waltons -- living on love until the end of January."

All of us cracked up. The checker, the other customer, me, and even Mr. J. Then Mr. J and I brought home our modest-in-size, maxed-in-price haul, and I'm set to do some mild cooking.

Wegman's has good groceries, but the real reason to go there is that they consistently stock TaB cola. I paid dearly for needing that today.

Happy Saturnalia! Once a year ... and that's enough.

Write a Letter

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," one of the voices of America's Pagan community since 2005.

Speaking of communities, there are very few these days who don't have at least a few practicing Pagans, especially here in the Great Blue Northeast.

I suppose, without a shred of evidence, that Newtown, Connecticut has its small share of Old Religion adherents of various pantheons. I talk to the Bored Gods all the time, but like doctors, they don't reveal names unless the person wants to be known. Nothing worse than being pulled out of a closet when you're not ready to leave it.

One of the teachers at my school secured the address below. The man in question grew up in Newtown and plans to go there on December 28 to distribute letters of condolence.

I wrote one on behalf of the Bored Gods (very serious, which you know is unlike me). On the outside of the envelope, I wrote "Druid/Wiccan/Asatru." Hopefully this message of comfort, naming the deities of those pantheons, will find its way into the hands of someone there who counts himself or herself a member of the praise and worship team for those deities.

If you feel likewise inspired, here's the address. I withhold the man's name so that he doesn't Google himself ten years from now and find this post:

Resident


3 Woodmansee Ct

Richmond, RI 02892

I suggest you write "Druid/Wiccan/Pagan" on the envelope yourself ... and "message for Newtown" ... and then we can only hope that this man has an open mind to go with his open heart.

On Monday I handed out index cards to my students and invited them to write anonymous questions or comments about the shooting. I wanted to allay anxieties, since my classroom is the first one beyond the front door.

When I collected them, one of my students had written:" I think that in that type of situation that we are in a great clasroom with the perfect teacher."

I got so choked up I had to daub my face with a paper towel.

Now ... to lighter things ... If you haven't watched the fabulous 3 minute video, "Momma Bird," starring MOI, scroll down and help my talented filmmaker daughter rack up points on YouTube! Leave a comment on YouTube for her, and win a blessing from the bored deity of your choice!
From Anne, the Momma Bird

Here I Am!

Here's The Spare's awesome documentary film on me! Let it uplift us all in these dark hours!

I have just one request of you, readers. Please consider leaving a comment on The Spare's YouTube space. It will make her happy. And the more of you who watch "Momma Bird," the better Spare's rating will be.

If watching this heartfelt testimonial for the Sacred Thunderbird moves you to wish to praise and worship Vulture, our operators are standing by to take your call. (It's only 3 and a half minutes of your day. And it could change your life.)

Momma Bird, starring ME!

Momma Bird

Twice a month my school has a fire drill. Two or three times a year we have lockdown drills. Everyone takes them seriously.

Once I found myself in a Tier Three lockdown drill with 25 freshmen at 1:30 in the afternoon. There were quite a few snarky girls in that class who excelled in disrespectful put-downs.

As we crouched on the floor in silence, one of the girls started to snicker. I turned around and whispered to her, "If you want to get me fired, keep laughing. If you don't, be quiet."

She stayed quiet after that. They all did.

Once we had a Tier Two lockdown that was unscheduled. We kept on teaching, only with the doors shut and locked. The students were not allowed to leave the classroom. This put everyone on edge, and the inevitable questions ensued:

"Miss. We are the first classroom by the front door. Won't we be the first ones shot?"

"Miss. What will you do if a shooter comes in?"

I've said it before here at "The Gods Are Bored." I don't know what I'd do if a shooter came in. But I hope I would call upon the Great Bored Gods and try my very best to save the lives of my students. They are my kids. And they're just kids. I would try to save them.

We can joke about the end of the world, but if you ask me, things are proceeding not with a bang, but with a whimper. The pace of these horrific mass shootings is accelerating. Our well-regulated militia is not well regulated. Maybe we ought to reconsider who gets to bear arms.

The End of the World Is Nigh -- Again!

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" I wish I had $100 for every time I've heard that the world was about to end, don't you? We could all go on a joyous summer cruise together!

This is a true story. The first time I heard that the world was going to end was in 1967. I told the neighbor girl that I was going to my cousin's wedding that night, and the neighbor girl said no, I wasn't, because she was going to destroy the whole Earth before I could even get there.

It was a beautiful wedding. My cousin looked stunning in her 1960s-era gown, and the fine man she married has been at her side ever since. It was my first wedding. My cousin took time out of her busy evening to make sure I got a root beer, after someone stuck a glass of champagne in my hand. I was eight years old.

Shortly thereafter, I attended a Pentecostal church for about two years. If you've ever done anything as bone-headed as that, you'll know that people who frequent these establishments wake up every day expecting to be in Heaven by nightfall, sitting in the clouds watching with sadistic glee as the rest of us get sulfurated by demons.

It must be so depressing to spend your day waiting for the Rapture, only to find it bedtime, and your bunion is still hurting and the sinners are still sinning.

Now we have an ancient Native American calendar, endowed as are most Native American things (out of guilt mostly) with tremendous religious and metaphysical import. This Solstice the world will end. Again.

Haven't you always wondered what the end of the world would be like? We could ask cockroaches or horseshoe crabs if they have any deep memories -- their forebears have been through a few, unscathed.

One of the great things about being cool with the bored gods is that I can go straight to the source and get the scoop on Apocalypses Now. In this case I am glad to report, from the lips of the bored God Macuilxochitl, that the world will not end if we all party hearty on December 21, 2012! You see, Macuilxochitl is the God of Partying, and apparently He wants to have a good time that night.

Hmmm. It is a Friday night, December 21. So here's what you do: Line up a designated driver, or fill your home with the nearest and dearest, and celebrate ... it's all right! Macuilxochitl wants you to!

Come on. If Rhiannon wanted you to do it, you would. So go for it! Party away Doomsday!

(Either that, or fruitlessly wait for the Four Horsemen ... or do an overnight meditation on the darkest day in the North, pulling the Sun back with your thoughts and focus.)

Or a little of most of the above.

The Gods Are Bored

If you've been Googling "The Gods Are Bored" these days, you might be finding a brand new song by a British band called the Datsuns. It's a terrific song, and one cannot fault the band members for their awesome youthful energy.

Since I only have about a dozen readers here, I seriously doubt that the Datsuns checked out my site before creating this epic song. Instead, I will be the interloper and adopt "The Gods Are Bored" and the Datsuns as another bored deity-endorsed musical ensemble.

I don't really share the philosophy that the gods entertain themselves by watching us fuck up, but I'm not discounting it either. Remember, we humans are the ones that endow deities with Their human-like qualities. Since that is the case, surely there must be some embittered Gods and Goddesses who chart our miseries with sadistic glee.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm, wonderful, Gods Are Bored welcome to The Datsuns and their new song, "The Gods Are Bored!"


Pictures of chaos fill our screens day and night

Is this sensational or is it merely playtime?

We're going down down down down at their choosing

Among the heartache, the tears and the bruises



You know the gods, yeah the gods are so bored

We entertain with our lives and our flaws

You know the gods, yeah the gods are so bored

Come get wild tonight



Holy rollers, hypocrites knock on the door

Microscopic, tectonic war

We're going down down down down at their choosing

Among the heartache, the tears and the bruises



You know the gods, yeah the gods are so bored

We entertain with our lives and our flaws

You know the gods, yeah the gods are so bored

Come now die hey hey hey hey tonight



You know the gods, yeah the gods are so bored

We entertain with our lives and our flaws

You know the gods, yeah the gods are so bored

Come now why hey hey hey hey tonight

The Datsuns - Gods Are Bored

Frank Talk about Rapid Weight Loss

Well, here's one you've never seen before on "The Gods Are Bored!" With the exception of a few potshots at Governor Chris Christie, there's not much to be said about weight loss chez moi.

It's tough as all get out to shed pounds once you've put them on. This is especially true if the weight gain is gradual, the accumulation of years of bad eating habits. Once you feel like you're overweight, it's the very devil dieting your way out of it. And once the weight is off, you struggle day by day, hour by hour, to maintain.

There is, of course, one way to achieve rapid weight loss without purpose-driven dieting. You get sick.

Take my cat, Alpha. Alpha is a relic. She has lived with us for a dozen years and was about six when we rescued her. She has no teeth left. Over the past six to eight months, she has lost about half her body weight. Food disagrees with her. She can't bite the hard stuff, and the soft stuff causes digestive issues.

There's nothing particularly novel about this. Very elderly people usually lose a lot of weight too. It's just sad, for me, when I gently pick up my Alpha and feel every bone just barely covered with skin. Yes, readers, we did take her to the vet -- and our vet's office is in Camden, so this doctor knows people on a budget. He said we should just take Alpha home and be nice to her.

I, too, have experienced rapid weight loss since June. At the end of the school year I was about 25 pounds heavier than I am now. People notice and compliment me on it, as if I'm a poster child for Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. Then comes the dreaded question: "How did you do it?"

How did I do it? I was sick! Still am! It's easy to lunch on a small salad and water when your appetite says, "Oh, just forget it."

Here's how you can tell the difference between someone who is dieting with Weight Watchers and someone who is losing weight because they are sick. The Weight Watchers person talks about it and seeks moral support. The Weight Watchers person cheers when he or she drops pounds. The sick person just shows up in the lunch room trying to hitch up her pants, because they have become too large.

The fact that my malady is not exactly life-threatening makes it even harder to explain.

My complexion is pink, my energy level is normal, my smile is bright, and my teeth are white. I still love buzzards, and faeries, and festivals, and my family. I'm just not hungry. It is a result of anxiety. And since many people think anxiety is something you can overcome by shaking yourself like a wet dog and moving on, it's very, very difficult to explain my rapid weight loss.

The frank scoop on weight loss is this: If someone is getting thinner, assume first that they're sick and let the story unfold. They'll tell you if they're dieting. If the visibly-reduced person says little or nothing about the weight loss, chances are there's some underlying issue. Best to err on the side of ignorance.

The word of Vulture for the people of Vulture. Thanks be to Vulture. Ramen!

The Fabulous Firebird Festival

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice ... ahh, I forget the rest...

In these dark days, we automatically feel that the year is coming to an end, and a new one will begin. It's right and fitting -- and bored god-endorsed -- to turn this moment into a symbolic spectacle.

There's a town in Pennsylvania named Phoenixville. Nine years ago the enlightened citizens decided to have a Firebird Festival in honor of the Phoenix after which their town is named. They built a big bird out of wood and set it on fire, with drummers and dancers and music. They did this in December.

Now it's a tradition. If you read this little site at all, you will know that this sort of thing is right down my alley.

Here's a picture of this year's Phoenix. I would say it was 30 feet tall, maybe more. Now imagine a parade of fire dancers and drummers dancing up to it and setting it aflame. And this is not damp wood that smoulders for weeks. It's chock-a-block with accelerant and cherry bombs. It flames up fast and huge, popping and sparking ... and then in collapses into a huge bonfire with coals in every color of the rainbow. There goes 2012! And from the ash heap will rise 2013 ... so long as the Aztecs made some errors in their mathematics. (The bored deities of the Aztec pantheon have been reassuring me frequently.)

For two dollars you can write a wish and have it put in a box that is placed into the Firebird before it goes up. My daughter The Heir and I always do this. Maybe next year I'll invite you to submit wishes from afar. The alchemy consists of turning intention into energy by having your thoughts turned into flame. If you don't believe in this, what are you doing here at "The Gods Are Bored?" Go watch crime t.v. or something.

There is a very nice impromptu drum circle at this event, which gives it even more energy. Before the burning of the Phoenix, they have smaller bonfires and barrel fires and vendors of candles and food.

Some people worship quietly, alone or in small groups. My favorite form of praise and worship is loud, full of people, and dramatic. The Firebird Festival fits that bill. Fire is not my element (I'm a water gal), but the energy is so high that I could feel it in my soul.

2012.  I wish I could say this was the best year of my life, but it is a year I want to put into the archives ASAP. The first step toward this end is the Phoenixville Firebird Festival. The last step is a strut at the Philadelphia Mummers Parade.

What apocalypse? The Phoenix has risen!

It Appears that the Constitution Is in Force

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Do you have any idea how many bored deities there are out there in their respective Heavens? Me neither.

But just imagine if we were to mount a display to honor each and every one at this dark time of the year. After all, the dark days have been with humankind for a very long time. Time out of mind to petition deities to bring back the light.

Suppose government property became egalitarian and allowed every single praise and worship team to erect a Yuletide memorial on the public lawn. Gosh, it would be as crowded as some of these crazy Christmas houses! In fact, if you start inviting the bored gods, you might have to stack displays on top of one another, just to be fair.

Where would it end?

The three of you who read "The Gods Are Bored" all the time will probably recall that, last Yule, a Christian group and a Jewish group both set up lit displays at the public library: a manger scene and a menorah that was 15 feet high.

After Yule had come and gone, I wrote an email to Snobville's mayor and to her two henchmen city councilmen. I politely asked to be notified when the permits for religious displays at the library would be issued. I said I wanted one on behalf of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (a legitimate 501.C3 nonprofit religious order). I said that a dedicated group of FSM adherents was even then crafting a giant Noodly Master out of swimming pool noodles and pasta. In my mind I pictured something like this fabulous shrine from www.deeppencil.com:

This year we have no manger scene or menorah on taxpayer-funded property.

First Amendment triumphant! Fa la la la laaaaah!

There is, of course, a Christmas tree, that universal, powerful symbol of beating back the darkness and protecting the wildlife from the harsh ravages of winter. Ramen!

You may be wondering if Snobville is now bereft of Christian influence.

Fear not, o stranger! There's a lovely Baptist church one block from the library, right on the main street. This church has a large, well-lit nativity scene that goes live on Friday nights, thanks to cute little kids willing to stand in the cold dressed like Mary and Joseph. Menorah? I haven't seen one. There are certainly Jewish people living in Snobville, but I wonder ... perhaps some of them didn't like the constitutional issues behind the big menorah, either. Truth to tell, if I was Jewish, I would have hated that thing. It was ugly!

I like to think that my email about the Noodly Master had something to do with Snobville's decision to back off displays of religious origin on public land. However, my daughter The Spare tells me she thinks that probably lots of Snobvillians complained. And hey -- ever since The Spare decided to make a film about moi, I'm taking her word for everything.

My taxes aren't lighting the nativity scene at the Baptist Church. That's how I like it.

Behind the Scenes on the "Mommy Bird" Movie Set: A Buzzard-Worship Navel Gaze

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," about to be immortalized on the silver screen! Okay, well, about to be gobbled up in the maw of YouTube. Any way you shoot it, I'm gonna be in a movie!

You know how it is. The semester is ending at art school, you've got a dozen projects to finish, and a five-page essay ... and one last film to make. This is the sad fate of my daughter The Spare, who has had to scramble for a film idea at the last minute.

Her topic: Why her mom loves buzzards. This is a nonfiction documentary.

As the star of this timeless cinematic masterpiece-to-be, I rather bridled at having to curb my more rowdy impulses for the filming. But I get it. When one has an opportunity to do mission work for the Sacred Thunderbird, one considers the audience. Tamped down on the rowdy. A little.

In order to find Sacred Thunderbirds, Spare, Heir, and I had to drive down to Wenonah, where a flock sometimes 200 strong roosts in the winter. I won't say the town was buzzard-free this weekend, but there weren't nearly as many wretches as there used to be. Nevertheless, there were buzzards on the water tower, and a small flock fussing in a tall pine tree.

It was Spare's idea to set up the camera while I went to the tree and tried to flush the buzzards out, so she could get shots of them flying. Well, this I was very glad to do, especially when I discovered that they were roosting in a tree in the back yard of a house for sale. House for sale! Carte blanche to go screaming and gyrating up to a pine tree in the yard. I leaped. I yelled. I waved my puny arms.

Forty feet above me, the Sacred Thunderbirds regarded me with disdain and went right on with their nightly routines. Not one single vulture took flight.

On the other hand, an alarmed woman in the house across the street opened her door and peered out at me. I said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get the vultures to fly."

Her response was to slam her door and pull down a blind. Heir thought this was embarrassing. I just felt like you have to forgive the sinner. Poor woman has two dozen vultures right across the street, and she lacks all appreciation! Sad, that. Very sad.

All in all I alarmed two homeowners in my hearty pursuit of the Sacred Thunderbird in the process of providing footage for Spare's documentary. Meanwhile I alarmed not a single Thunderbird. They were too high.

I'm sure Spare will be creative in her use of the footage she was able to shoot. And what fun we'll have here at "The Gods Are Bored" when this film hits the Intertubes!

The best part of being the star attraction in a documentary is the fun you have making it with your daughters. I hope this isn't apostasy, but the buzzards were kind of a sweet afterthought.

Shame of Place

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," coming to you from the "Smokestack State" since 2005! I'm your hostess, Anne, and I live in New Jersey, USA. We just had a hurricane, and it was awful.

Lately I have been thinking a good bit about place. What happens if you find yourself living somewhere, and the people there don't share your values ... and you don't share theirs?

I think of this because we Northerners stereotype the American South as if the Civil War was still raging. It's Crackerville, it's the Bible Belt, it's the land of Honey Boo Boo and universities that did not admit minorities until the National Guard showed up with tear gas. It's the locus of violent reprisals against peaceful civil rights marches and the region that gives us country music.

This is partly on my mind because today I was discussing the death penalty with my sophomores, and certain states kept popping up. Georgia. Florida. Texas. Lots of other states allow the death penalty (including Pennsylvania), but it seems like Florida and Texas especially actually pull the switch. Often.

My own forays into the South have ended at the state line of South Carolina. It just felt prudent for me to turn around and head back to colder climes.

After the presidential election, many maps showed a distinct Southern bias against President Obama. (Actually it turns out that the bias is more rural than regional.) Facebook abounds with vitriol against Dixie, and I confess I snicker at it frequently.

Then, somewhere, I read a comment from someone who actually lives in the South and is an ardent Obama supporter. Point of fact, I know that one of my readers lives in the South and is a cheeky liberal.

It must be Hell on Earth to be stuck in an area where you disagree vehemently with almost everyone around you, and the local traditions make you sick, and you feel that you're being discriminated against or at least dismissed. Alabama liberal, I feel your pain. Every time you get into the car, you get smacked with Lynyrd Skynyrd lovin' the guvnor. Every corner a church. Every store a Walmart. And you're wiser than all of this ... maybe even a Pagan ... and you are stuck due to family ties, or work ties, or just inertia. Texas, I feel your pain. Electric chair working overtime, who cares if the poor defendant is guilty?

I used to hate New Jersey because it is so flat (mostly) and so crowded (truly), and so chock-a-block with industrial plants both active and inactive. But at least, in such a crowded state, it's possible to find like-minded individuals (many) and whole sections of roadway that are church-free. I don't think anyone would argue that it's easier to be Pagan in New Jersey than it would be in Georgia.

Am I as much of a bigot as everyone else if I express sympathy for Southerners who don't tear up at the sound of "Bonnie Blue Flag?" Are there more of these people than I think, based on my very unscientific collection of data from individuals?

I don't know, but all I'll say is this: If you find yourself living in a place where you feel like you don't belong, hold up your chin. It's your place too. You don't need to change the world, or change your location. To thine own self be true -- start there.

Hell is not in my future, but if I found myself in Hell, I would work at it until I made the best of it. Trust me, if you can find one thing to like about New Jersey, you could pretty much tolerate any chunk of the entire US of A.

Interview with a Bored God: Mammon

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," Thanksgiving edition 2012! We had a lovely feast here at Chateau Johnson. In addition to my hardy mother-in-law, we were joined by the husband-and-wife sculptors who have hired The Heir as an assistant. They snapped this photo of the lot of us, missing only our kitty cat Alpha and the perpetually pissed off parrot, Decibel.

Thanksgiving is remarkable in that it is tied to no particular deity. Oh sure, there's that myth about the Pilgrims and the Indians, but it wasn't until the 1930s that the holiday became official. Having been created by the government, Thanksgiving is open to all the bored gods, as well as the busy one.

Speaking of bored gods, I have a visitor here with me today on Black Friday who thinks He doesn't get credit where credit is due. Please give a tepid and disdainful "Gods Are Bored" welcome to Mammon, God of Excess.

Anne: Hello, Mammon ... I suppose. What's that you're carrying? It looks heavy.

Mammon: These? These are my latest Black Friday circulars. Look, Anne! Deals! Deals! Deals!

Anne: You must really be bored to be spending time with me today. I've got one thing to purchase: a new tire. Why aren't you up at Best Buy?

Mammon: If only! Those idiots in the tents don't know they're praising and worshiping me! They think they're just chasing bargains. I hate being ignored.

Anne:  You must really boil when you see all the wretched excess spending in this nation, and no one gives you credit for it.

Mammon: They could throw me a feast, you know. The Romans gave credit where credit is due.

Anne: ... Thus paving the way for a prophet like Jesus who touted sharing and self-denial.

Mammon: Rub it in, why don'tcha. Greed is good.

Anne: Greed without compassion is a great evil. Trust me, if I wasn't so worn out from preparing yesterday's Thanksgiving feast, I would be picketing Walmart today.

Mammon: Walmart ... ahhhhhh .... Walton clan .... mmmmmm (drools)

Anne: Look what you're doing to my upholstery! Get outta here! Go be bored at the mall!

Mammon: Yeah, I can see this isn't a good fit. I wish the right people would be on the lookout for bored gods.

Anne: I'm the right person for this job. Tough beans, Mammon. I'm not promoting your stinking agenda. It doesn't serve the greater good. Oh, wait! You're a deity! Fix that upholstery stain before you go.

Mammon: Hold on and I'll give you an estimate.

Anne: STUFF YOUR ESTIMATE! Just go! You are in the wrongest of wrong places on a day when there are so many other places you could be! Hey! What are you doing with Mr. J's apple pie! Damn it!

Readers, can you believe it? He ate three quarters of a pie in one despicable gulp. And this deity drool on the chintz... it's a Black Friday indeed!

Oh Please, Like We Won't Have Twinkies!

The companies that bought Hostess face a daunting reality. People just don't buy Twinkies and Wonder Bread like they did back in the day when I was young. But soft (for a millennium), dear reader. Both products are still popular and still rolling off the shelves.

We are seeing here another case of union-busting. Owners make unreasonable demands that workers cannot accept. Bankruptcy is declared, and the "new owners" hire back the old workers with all the concessions and more. This is not good faith collective bargaining. It is despicable.

The workers at Hostess were fully aware of the depressed sales. I'm sure they would have been willing to negotiate a fair collective bargaining agreement. In this national climate, however, they never got a chance.

If the Hostess workers go back to their factories at pennies on the dollar, you should really forgo those snack cakes and Wonder Bread. What, you don't stock your pantry with such toxic waste? Me neither!

Still, we love our sweet stuff, don't we? If the Hostess workers get a fair contract, we'll need to buy Twinkies to support the cause!

How can we do that and not kill ourselves with Twinkies? Which, if you'll pardon me, are about the most unhealthy food product available to humankind.

BETTER USES FOR TWINKIES: FREE ADVICE!

1. Draft dodgers: Place those puppies end-to-end at the doors to your house to keep out the cold air.

2. Squirrels getting on your bird feeder? Put out a box of Twinkies. A cruel way to end the lives of cute furry mammals, but hey. Birds gotta eat.

3. I'll bet the cream inside those things works just like WD40. Haven't put it to the test, but for a fair labor contract, I sure will try.

4. Create a time capsule for your back yard. Put in ten boxes of Twinkies. Your descendants will wonder why they are so intelligent, if this is what you did in your time.

5. Parrot food. If you are really sick of your parrot.

6. I'll bet crumbled Twinkies would make your sidewalk less slippery in an ice storm, if you scooped out the white stuff first.

7. Target practice.

8. Keep a box or two around to prove that you can bypass bad, sugary, carb-laden food for good, healthy food like turnips. Remember to buy new boxes and throw away the old ones unopened. I don't think there's much danger that vultures will eat Twinkies -- and if they do, they're probably the only creature that could digest the damn things without bodily harm.

9. Adopt one as a pet. They're the size of gerbils and would last just as long.

10. Okay, okay, if you must do something kinky with them, well ... maybe as a massage item, but I wouldn't be keen on oral. Just me, though. If you don't swallow, then maybe.

As usual with my free advice, I'm mindful that this economy stinks. Therefore, as part of my salary and benefit givebacks, I must pay you to take this advice. Send me an invoice care of my email.

Ten Things To Do on Black Friday That Won't Get You Near Walmart

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," waging war on Walmart since its first slimy minions slunk out of Bentonville, Arkansas! No sirreee, you will find no support of this despotic, underhanded, and business-killing behemoth here among the Old Ones!

I've just finished reading a few stories about the first stirrings of labor unrest at Walmart. A fraction of the company's million or more hopeless slaves "associates" will stage strikes or walk-outs on Black Friday!

Walmart, you've done it this time. The company has ordered workers to its stores on Thanksgiving Day, in order to sell, sell, sell ... get a foot up on the competitors, who at least have the decency to stay closed until midnight.

We at "The Gods Are Bored" can remember a day when local families owned local department stores. The big spoiler was a retailer named Sears. It started putting older business districts on the skids in the 1960s. And now look! Sears can't keep its head above the water either! On rolls Walmart, the only game in town in far, far, FAR too many places. The company pays so poorly that some of its workers get Medicaid, food stamps, and child support welfare. We're subsidizing that place. So whatever ducats you save getting stuff cheap there, you are putting out in your tax bill.

Enough common sense! Let's generate a list of fun things to do that are better than going to Walmart on Black Friday!

1. Search your house for each and every stray sock. Put them all in a huge pile, and sort them by size and relative color. Fold them neatly. Re-arrange your drawers so that everything is neat and tidy. Then start looking for stray change in the same manner.

2. If you have a cat or dog, comb out every single strand of hair that might get shed onto your carpet (or worse, your upholstery). Don't stop combing until no more fur gets caught in the comb! And don't be a cheater. Use a real cat comb ... not some thing you pull out of the bathroom that you would use on your wet hair.

3. Organize your grocery coupons and clipped recipes. Group the coupons according to product, in alphabetical order, then put them in chronological order with the nearest date of expiration first, and the latest date last.  Recipes should be laminated, alphabetized by category, and carefully placed into file folders. Don't stop there. Alphabetize your cookbooks and put sticky notes on the pages of your favorite recipes. As you do this, study other recipes in case you missed something easy and tasty. (Considering that you will be doing this the day after Thanksgiving, you won't be as hungry while doing it.)

4. Clean out your email queue. Open and read any email that you don't remember the contents of. Make new folders and sub-folders for family, friends, associates, fans of "The Gods Are Bored" and enemies. (Hopefully the last two don't overlap!) Individually contact everyone in your email box just to say howdy.

5. Re-read all the statuses on your Facebook and make new comments on them. Individually contact each Facebook friend you have and write him or her a thoughtful, personal note based on fond memories you share.

6. Oh, look, there's that neglected ukelele! Practice makes perfect! Just make sure that your quickly-departing house guests aren't planning to biff off to Walmart!

7. Try on your Ren Faire/Fairy Festival/Pagan/Steampunk/LARP outfits and model them for an appreciative partner. If your partner is not sufficiently appreciative, sulk. If your partner is appreciative, switch on the Marvin Gaye music and ... mmmMMMMMMMmmmmm! Sexual healing, baby.

8. Repeat #7 as needed.

9. Enough with the factory-made sequins! Hand-sew those puppies onto your favorite costume! You only have 335 days until the next Halloween, so get cracking.

10. Put on your coat, your hat, your scarf, your sturdy boots. Seek out the small, local merchants ... the local farm store ... the local thrift store ... the crafter, the corner pub. Tip liberally. Tie one on in time to go to your local tree-lighting ceremony. Everyone in town already knows you're crazy.

BONUS ACTIVITY THAT WILL KEEP YOU OUT OF WALMART ON BLACK FRIDAY

11. If there are job actions planned in your area, buy a humongous bag of bagels (local baker) and distribute them to the strikers. Walmart is the poster child for corporate greed, the visible Scrooge among us. Just in time for the holidays, let's resuscitate old Mr. Fezziwig and do it his way!

Frank Talk about Sex with Your Biographer

Hello and welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" A little sex talk today. Keeps us all young and grinning, don't you think?

Let me beat around the bush first ... tee hee ... double entendre ... playground humor ...

I'm rather opposed to biographies about people who are still active in their lives. We can't even count all the biographies of Barack Obama, and wow! He's just beginning a whole new four years of lively history-making work! In a previous incarnation I wrote biographies about people, and trust me, they get out-of-date fast, unless the subject of the biography is embalmed, entombed, or otherwise off the radar. Even then people can have a lasting impact on society -- but that is not necessarily the realm of the biographer.

All this is an introduction to my posing a question. Whose bright idea was it to send a married 40-year-old  woman with children to Afghanistan for a year of intense biographizing of General Petraeus? No-brainer, folks. I'm pretty much made of steel where extramarital activities are concerned, but put me in that situation, for a year, and whew! He's a pretty dynamic guy!

Let the record show that "The Gods Are Bored" understands the Petraeus situation to be beyond the capacity of almost any heterosexual couple to endure. Biographers have to be absolutely consumed by their subjects (try that with John Adams ... zzzzzZZZZZZzzzzz). Biographers also have to be single-mindedly delving into their subjects' lives, probing and interviewing, and interviewing, and interviewing. On the other side of the bed table sits the subject, who -- and I don't care if it's Big Bird, for the love of fruit flies -- absolutely loves all that attention.

It's very flattering to be so adoringly scrutinized. Add to that a gender difference and the fact that both biographer and subject are still ambulatory, and you've got a 90 percent fail rate for marital fidelity.

This may sound harsh, but I rather think it's both unprofessional and unneccessary to send a biographer on a year's trek through tough country in order to craft a biography. Presumably the man had a job to do, and to me it seems like no place for close scrutiny by a civilian. (The military's gonna get him on this, I'll bet.)

A little less colorful, perhaps, but just as biography-worthy, would have been the notion of actually interviewing people who worked with the general in Afghanistan. Or talking to the general about his exploits in the cozy anonymity of a Starbuck's. This is called being scholarly and professional, and it doesn't get your picture all over Facebook.

Don't know about you, but the most annoying part of this for me is that General Petraeus is still alive. Alive and kicking. And we're still fighting over there, and he was running the freaking CIA. As a subject of biography, he's not ready for prime time deployment.

To put an emphatic puch upon this sermon, let's just face facts. Biographies are single-focus, and if you're writing it, and you fall in love with your subject, then you wind up having to write about yourself. Because ... oh, you know what I'm going to say ... the next biographer is going to write about you, at length, and probably after your subject is buzzard bait. A tad embarrassing, that.

Navel Gazing under Friday Night Lights

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Hope all is well with you.

The more footage and stories that come in about the hurricane, the worse I feel. It's horrible to see so much destruction. I hope that when rebuilding begins, people will think twice about construction right on the beach. But the ruination goes far beyond the barrier islands. We took it on the chin here on the East Coast of the USA. It was bound to happen. The atmosphere and the water and the cold fronts are going to bring stormzillas from time to time.

And then there's the day-to-day living that people do in the danger zone.

Some of you three readers might remember that my best friend in these parts is a street poet that I call The Monkey Man. I call him this because he rides around on a bike with a monkey puppet and is friendly to everyone, especially little kids.

The Monkey Man lives in downtown Camden, New Jersey. Most everyone there loves him dearly. But one evening, as he stood at the foot of the Ben Franklin Bridge admiring the sunset over Philadelphia across the river, someone (or more than one) attacked him from behind. He was severely beaten, and the assailants threw his monkey in the Delaware River. He was not robbed.

My friend required hospitalization. The story made the newspapers, and that is how I heard about it.

Well, that was a wake-up call for me. I've been so wound up in my own business for months that I have lost track of my local friends, principal among them the Monkey Man. So I invited him to dinner on a night when the Snobville Fighting Wombats had a football game. The Monkey Man graduated from Snobville High and retains a sporting interest in his hometown teams.

Last evening he arrived right on time, and I threw on a pretty good feed bag, chicken cordon bleu, topped off with a delicious red velvet cupcake. He was subdued during dinner. It's usually that way. When confined to a house he's mostly quiet.

Then we left for the game: Monkey Man, Heir, and me. And the puppets. Somehow the monkey had survived a dunking in the river and looked better than ever, like new, actually. The other puppet, Butchie the Wombat, is a fixture at football games.

Once out of the house, the Monkey Man got his game on. All of the curbs here in the neighborhood are piled with leaves. We have leaf collection here, and the sucker truck hasn't come yet. Monkey Man began by jumping in the leaf piles, then entertained the kids at the game better than the Wombats themselves. At one point, Butchie was being tossed so widely through the stands I was afraid he wouldn't make it back to the Monkey Man. But of course he did. The monkey chatted with everyone ... as always.

In Heir's era at Snobville High, most of the students were stand-offish towards the Monkey Man. But this new generation of youngsters are wonderful to him! They all seemed to know him, and one very nice student came up, shook his hand, and said, "Hope I'll see you in church soon." That kid's friends were all so kind and respectful. It was a lovely thing to see.

Of course Heir and I treated our Monkey Man like gold. We have known him more than ten years now. How time flies!

Snobville High basically got their hats handed to them by their opponents, the Blue Collarville Fighting Cacti. The Cacti are always a great team, hard to beat, and this game was no exception. Oh well, our cheerleaders were good.

We walked home to my house -- me, Monkey Man, and Heir. On the way we came to a gigantic leaf pile that we had missed on the way to the stadium. With a fine "whoop," Monkey Man fell over backwards into the leaf pile. I followed suit. It was a fabulous leaf pile! The leaves conformed to my back ... and we looked up at the stars. Heir just stood there staring at us. Finally we coaxed her to give it a try, but she was still hesitant. I guess leaf piles are like everything else -- you love them as a kid, you go through a stage where you lose touch with them, and then in late mid-life you re-discover your inner leaf-pile-jumper.

The only thing that coaxed us out of the leaf pile was the fact that the leaves underneath were damp. Finally we de-leafed, walked the rest of the way home, and bid farewell to the Monkey Man, who bundled his monkey and Butchie onto his bike and pedaled off toward Camden.

I'm so relieved that my friend hasn't lost his groove after being attacked. I hope it doesn't happen again. He lives in one of the most dangerous cities in America. Everyone knows him, but there are bound to be some haters ... some punks trying to get props ... some cowards acting on a dare. But so long as no one out-and-out kills him, his fine spirit will prevail. Camden needs him, and so do I.

Thus begins an intention to reconnect with the friends I have in this region. There's a pudgy cat at a local shop who hasn't gotten enough attention either. Time to venture out again with those I hold near and dear.

Mummer Time!

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," your equal opportunity blog! I'm Anne Johnson, and this is my space, and girls just wanna have fun!

When the days get short and the nights are long and cold, it's time to pull out the gold spray paint and the comfy shoes and prepare for another strut with the 2012 champion Two Street Stompers New Years Brigade! Now is that time when we gather at the clubhouse to turn in our "suit" money and talk about defending our Number One status.

I moved to the Philadelphia area in 1987 and immediately became fascinated by the annual Mummers Parade, held on New Year's Day. For two decades, this 8-hour-plus event was the perfect excuse to wrap up in a warm blanket by the cozy fire and watch the t.v. to see other people dancing in the streets.

Then something started to shift in my head. I began to think, "Why am I making ten trips to the wood pile on New Year's Day instead of dancing in the streets?"

The weather has gotten milder too, though you might not agree if you've just lived through a long power outage in the East.

Then something else shifted. My hip got so bad that I could hardly walk at all. I had surgery, and when I felt better, walking ... nay, strutting ... became a "must." No more sitting out the party!

First I tried to join a small comic brigade that one of Mr. J's friends is in. They said they didn't have room for me. Well, now, that's just silly. But in hindsight I'm blissful, because in that group you have to make your own suit.

It took me a few calls to the big comic clubs before I began to hear from brigades where the numbers are unlimited. All roads led to the Stompers. I didn't know how competitive they were when I joined. All I heard was the magic phrase: "We supply the suit." Followed by another that was music to my ears: "We only practice a few times."

I did my share of organizing, running, creating, directing, and otherwise managing stuff when I was younger. Now, all I want to do is write a check and be told what to do and when to do it. What a relief!

Here we are, the Two Street Stompers, in all of our 2012 finery:

No, I can't tell you where I am in that picture. Which is the whole point. Other than our handful of front wenches, we are all supposed to blend in together.

We get a new theme and new suits every year. But then we get to keep the suits and all the accessories. I've already started a personal museum in a nice, waterproof container. Let me just say that my grandchildren, if I ever have any, are going to have a treasure trove of amazing Halloween costumes.

I'm going to sign off now, because at last night's Stomper meeting, I bought a DVD of parade footage from 2012. I'm keen to watch it. Time to get pumped up for 2013.

And speaking of 2013, well, I can't wait for it to get here! It shows how little I think of all this "end of the world in 2012" talk, because I've invested in a parade that's scheduled to go off after the end of the world has come and gone.

Getting my strut together ... now.

Photo credit: CNB news.

The Oily Kitchen Witch: Pre-Holiday Profile

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Wow, that's a sexy headline, huh? Conjures up some fun times by the warm stove, mmmmm!

I don't do many product endorsements here, but the bored gods (rightly) urged me to bring to your attention the fine cooking oils of http://cucinaaurora.com/ Cucina Aurora.

EXHIBIT A: CUCINA AURORA (Cute guy not included, alas!)

Dawn lives in New Hampshire and runs a small business that produces cooking oils that are ritually prepared with spell work.

Last summer at the Central NJ PPD,  I tentatively purchased a bottle of garlic- and herb-infused olive oil for cooking as well as protective purposes. The product is phenomenal. Delicious. Literally you could saute a chicken breast in it with no other seasonings and have a fabulous meal. Lately I have basically been just pouring some of Dawn's oil into a pan and throwing whatever I happen to have in there.

Protection? Also excellent! I often just leave the bottle out on the kitchen counter. This one keeps all kinds of vampires at bay, and other evils as well.

Emboldened by the deliciousness of my first purchase, I spent more liberally on Dawn's products at the Witches' Ball a month ago. Basically I bought one of everything her reps had at the booth. All perform splendidly for both cooking and intentional spiritual work.

If you are like me, with absolutely no aptitude for herbal concoctions of any sort, I do hereby recommend Cucina Aurora for all your infused cooking oil needs! Tell her Anne sent you, and she'll have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, because my endorsements are not purchased ... and won't be until poverty so dictates.

With this post I'm embarking upon a little pre-Yule free advice on where to get good gifts for your near and dear. Cucina Aurora? You betcha! And don't be skimpy with the sundried tomato if you need the next payment on your Mummer suit!

Early and Often

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," voting through cynicism since 1977! I'm your personal exit poll, Anne Johnson. Results from Johnson voting: Obama/Biden, 4. Romney/Ryan, 0.

This was a big election year for famille Johnson. For the very first time, all four members of this family were able to vote. My daughter The Heir is 23. My daughter The Spare is 18. I am #@@#, and Mr. J is #@@#$. All of voting age!

And it's a beautiful thing. No political quarrels in this cozy nest. Not only are we all blue voters, we are all quick blue voters. I'll bet Heir was not in the booth more than 10 seconds.

Here's how the Johnson voting went:

Mr. and Mrs. J had breakfast and voted in Snobville, our creaky old Chrysler eased in between two black Lexus SUVs. We did not have to wait in line.

Spare voted in Center City, Philadelphia. I think that is special. If we really actually had liberty in this nation, she would have been exercising the franchise in the crucible of democracy. Oh well, let me not be too cynical -- Spare was eager to exercise her rights. She knows her history and has strong opinions. I'm proud of her.

Heir is still registered to vote where she went to college -- a brilliantly red-glowing suburb way to the west of Philly. She and I got in the car and drove out there. Zip! One touch and done. So the Democratic candidates in that area got at least one vote. Can't say any more than that, considering the territory out there.

By the time you read this, you will know whether the Johnsons are celebrating or grieving.

And I seriously cannot believe we are facing another storm here in NJ. It's so cold out that this one will be snow. My heart goes out to all the people who haven't even gotten their power back on from the hurricane yet.

I hope you voted. Some day it might even count.

Those Thingies That Make Sure You Aren't a Robot

What are they called, captchas? All I know is, I have taken a wide poll amongst the bored gods. Most of Them are wary of computers anyway, and They said that, if you can't comment quickly on this site, They know you're here!

A few weeks ago I wanted to respond to a comment while I was here at school. I could not get over how unseeable the characters were on those "make sure you're not a robot" thingies. It took me four tries to leave a comment on my own web site!

In the meantime, I'm getting spam comments just like always, sometimes tied to the content of the post and sometimes not. What, do they hire people to sit around and try to decipher captcha thingies all day?

And speaking of site traffic, here's a good one. A sort of cautionary tale about doing homework and not just looking for key terms and viewer stats.

About a week ago I got an email from a nice young woman who had noted that I reviewed a couple of books on my site. Would I be interested in a new Christian-themed fantasy/thriller?

HellllooooOOOOOOOOOOoooooo!

I told her to take a look at my web site and decide herself whether or not I would be a good fit for her material.

Next day, I heard back from her. Never mind.

Aw, shucks. I would just love to read a fantasy thriller where Jesus saves the day!

Sandy Relief: The Money Within

They are calling Sandy a "superstorm," but I am calling her "inevitable." First of all, if you're a geezer like me, you can remember an era where we never had 18 hurricanes in a season.  Second, if you're a geezer like me, you can remember a time when seaside tourism was more centered on the big resort towns (Atlantic City, Ocean City, Wildwood in NJ), and no one built houses right at the edge of the raging ocean. We've been lulled into a sense of complacency about waterfront property ... but that's over. The new normal is global climate change, and all the barrier islands, even the big ones like Long Island, are in harm's way.

I understand that on Monday there will be a relief effort for the victims of the storm. Do you have money to send to the people who got socked on the chin? Frankly, I don't. Not a brass farthing.

I can contribute, though. I can give blood.

Don't ask me the monetary value of a pint of blood. I know that some homeless people donate for the cash, but I can't tell you how much dough they get for their plasma. All I know is, the one thing that never goes to waste (one hopes) is blood.

So if you are all tapped out in the old checking account, turn to that resource within, roll up your sleeve, and let the nurses have at you.

Many community blood drives have been cancelled by the storm and its aftermath, so the Red Cross is reporting a shortage. Donate a pint, and the bored gods will bless you with peace and prosperity.

Nontraditional Halloween

Wow, what a world of woe we are experiencing here in the East in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy! If you love big, old trees (which I do), this is a heartbreaking time. All over the place they are lying uprooted, in lawns, on cars, on houses. And of course there are limbs down everywhere, so much so that it's frightening just to walk around. More could come down at any time.

I couldn't argue with Snobville's decision to postpone trick-or-treating until Friday. I would almost agree with Governor Wheezer Christie that it should be held on Monday. Nevertheless, I'm having Mr. J go out today and stock some more candy in anticipation of little cutie pies in costumes. Also, my dear friend the Monkey Man is coming for supper and a home town football game. Go Wombats!

This Samhain was a non-traditional holy eve, and I have to thank my dear father for his spiritual guidance.

Dad was not the kind of man to be sad for long. He found the fun in every situation. My maternal grandmother was much the same, even more so. Therefore, they led me into a shiny platinum prank on my daughter The Spare.

It occurred to me over a cup of tea in the late afternoon. It was Halloween, and The Spare had a scheduled class until 10:00 p.m.

Back story: When I was a teenager, growing up in the country, my gang and I would toilet paper houses. Not just at Halloween, either. All year long. We called ourselves the Wholly Rollers, and we did some whopper jobs. Out where I grew up, everyone had huge trees in their yards, and toilet tissue was affordable. We got such a rep for TP that people "contracted" us to do houses. Maybe I'll blog more about this, if you'd like some anecdotes.

Anyway, I got the idea to toilet paper Spare's desk and bed in her dorm room. Heir supplied the name of a roomie (Spare has three), and as luck would have it, that roomie was home. (Facebook is a marvel in these situations. There was no problem getting in touch with this delightful roommate.)

Mr. J and I drove into Philly. Roomie met us at the guard desk, and we proceeded to Spare's room. There I expertly wrapped her desk, paying particular attention to mummifying the picture of her beloved feline. We moved to the bed ... the extensive jewelry rack ... the full-length mirror ... the dresser. Toilet papering is like riding a bike. You never forget how to do it. I only used one piece of tape.

Photos to come. I'm at school right now.

I also left behind a little jack-o-lantern with candy, and a little bit of paper that college students really need, this one with Andrew Jackson on the front. I also left a "Wholly Rollers" calling card, as Spare knows of my checkered youth in great detail.

Two hours later I got a phone call. "You are the best mother in the world."

On Samhain, the veil is thin. If your family ran high to pranksters, they may stock your brain with notions that would not necessarily occur to you. This happened to me, it raised my spirits in more ways than one.

A happy new year to all. Did you make a resolution? I did. Pass the toilet paper!

For the record, Spare's 2012 costumes:
Rosie the Riveter
Angler fish
cat