Howdy and welcome to “The Gods Are Bored!” Do you want two tickets to paradise? Well then, we have to ask, Which paradise do you want to book? There are so many.
I’m not big on casting aspersions at any religion, because you never know what your next door neighbor is doing in the case of praise and worship. One can only imagine what my neighbors think of me, with my shrine and my candles and my drumming on certain nights.
It’s awfully hard, though, to look at some of these deity sets in a totally non-judgmental way, especially in light of the abortion laws being passed in certain who-the-hell-knows-what-they’re-thinking states. Suppose you are raped, or mistreated by the man who impregnates you? Should you have to carry an evil person’s child to term?
What better way to seek a response to this question than to interview some Ancients about it? The Moons of Jupiter will be visible with binoculars this week on Monday night, so their namesakes have arrived for a chat. Please give a warm, wonderful “Gods Are Bored” welcome to Io, Europa, Ganymede, and Callisto – the Moons of Jupiter!
Anne: First, Ancient Ones, I assure you that this is a safe space. I do not allow Zeus, Hera, or any of their fellow High Deities here unless the premises is clear of mortals. I even lock Gamma the cat in the basement!
Io: Thank you for that. Zeus seduced me, and jealous Hera turned me into a white bull.
Europa: Thank you for that. Zeus turned Himself into a white bull, took me to Crete, and seduced me.
Callisto: Thanks you for that. Zeus disguised Himself as Artemis so He could fool me into having sex with him.
Ganymede: Thank you for that. Zeus abducted me and put me to work carting around wine to Himself and His friends. Oh, and he molested me too.
Anne: For the love of living fruit flies! Gives you some insight as to how Christianity established itself. Better one Jealous God with only two paramours than a bunch of squabbling rapist Gods and raging Wife Goddesses, turning poor mortals into bulls and trees and such. And all of you had Zeus’s children, right?
Io, Europa, and Callisto: Yes we did. No choice in the matter.
Ganymede: My gender saved me from this fate.
Anne: Wait. What? Ganymede, you got the same foul treatment, but because you are male, you didn’t have to carry children to term.
Anne: I’m seeing yet another major crack in the core of the anti-abortion laws. So, all you mortal ladies who were preyed upon by Zeus, what were these offspring like who you had to bear to Him, even though you were duped, seduced, and raped by this ancient criminal?
Europa: Our children were handfuls. Chips off the old block: physically stronger, more willful, narcissistic, and ambitious than your run-of-the-mill mortal child.
Io: Nor were they particularly heroic, even if they were called heroes and were given cities to rule. They continued their Daddy’s ways.
Anne: Well, did Zeus at least provide them child support? Was he a presence in their lives?
Anne: You know, it's bad enough that Zeus treated you that way, but you had Hera after you too. What was that all about?
Io: That one's easy. Zeus always told her it was us doing the seducing!
Anne: Works in the trailer park, so of course it would work in Olympus. It figures Hera would never turn Zeus into a tree or a bear or something. Me personally? I would have turned Him into a storm drain at the dog park.
Europa: You know what makes matters worse? We are still satellites around Him! Talk about humiliation.
Anne: I know. Damn. Then again, Europa, you have a continent named after you. The rest of you are zodiac signs and constellations and stuff too, right? And the only thing I know named Zeus is a Great Dane with prodigious bowels.
Callisto: Anne. Please tell us it gets better!
Anne: Honestly, I had high hopes for this country for awhile, but it's sliding backwards into darkness faster than I ever thought it would. But I'm determined to live to see AOC elected president.
Callisto: Who is AOC?
Anne: Is Zeus lurking?
Io: He's in Vegas.
[Anne shows her guests a photograph of Alexandria Ocacio Cortez.]
Ganymede: If Zeus gets a look at her, he'll turn her into some kind of creature...
Anne: Ha! I doubt it. She already deals with Fox News. Zeus will be no match. Anyone want a scone?