If the Women Don't Find You Handsome, They Should At Least Find You Handy: A Gods Are Bored Tribute to the Red Green Show

This is "The Gods Are Bored," and we are thrilled to be participants in the 2017 O Canada Blogathon! The time is right for a chuckle or two, so here and now the Bored Gods will pay homage to the funniest show on America's Public Broadcasting network ... The Red Green Show.

If you've never heard of The Red Green Show, well, wow. How would you know how to turn a washing machine into an easy chair? You've got some catching up to do.

The Red Green Show has over 300 free episodes on YouTube, so if you've never seen it, you're going to have a great year! Biff on over and take a look.

If you have seen it, you will be interested to know that numerous bored Goddesses absolutely adore it. Really! I should know, I'm the one who got them hooked.

It all started when my daughter The Spare and I would curl up in bed together to watch our DVDs of The Red Green Show. Gosh, we really enjoyed that. Even if we'd seen the episodes ten times. Anyway, I suppose our hearty guffaws caught the attention of a deity or two. Before you could shake a serpent out of an apple tree, we found ourselves joined by some of the highest quality Goddesses of yore. If there's anything a Goddess can't get enough of, it's men making fun of being men. Goddesses find that refreshing, you know, because they generally have to associate with Gods who are super insecure and also unfamiliar with the versatility of duct tape.

Word of this silly show passed from pantheon to pantheon, and it seemed like every Goddess chose a favorite Red Green character. (Goddesses love to play favorites, but you already knew that.) I particularly recall that Athena had a mad crush on Hap Shaughnessy. She said he reminded her of Odysseus.

 Athena wanted to make Hap immortal, or at least buy him a decent skiff. But you know, Her skills are a little eroded these days because she doesn't have a wide following. The best She could muster was a fan letter, which for Hap was damned good enough -- he already owns the Parthenon and more statues of Zeus than the British Museum.

Turtle Woman couldn't get enough of Edgar K. B. Montrose, the explosives expert. He's not in very many episodes, so she made us play his bits over and over.

 The neighbors still accuse Spare of blowing up their dog house, but it was actually Turtle Woman, making a futile bid to win Edgar's scorched heart. Have you ever tried explaining a bored Goddess to irate neighbors with a singed Corgi? Trust me, blaming it on the Red Green Show won't work.

I thought Aphrodite and Freya were going to arm wrestle for the right to seduce dorky young Harold, Red Green's nephew and sidekick.

 This should not surprise any of you readers who already are familiar with the ways of ancient Goddesses. Nothing bores a Goddess quicker than a buff, handsome man. Heck, they can craft a buff, handsome man out of a couple ounces of Tang and a half-chewed pencil! But you find yourself an awkward, bespectacled and buck-toothed Canadian geek, and the Celestials swoon. Can't just craft those dudes from tree bark and prayers.

The worst, by far, were the dryads. Oh my bored gods, they went nuts over Ranger Gord!

Just the thought of that guy sitting, lonely and horny, in a fire tower all by himself, made them giddy with desire. With great effort I was able to convince them that it was just a television show, that he wasn't really spending his long days ogling a log through binoculars, thinking it was a woman named Samantha. But wouldn't you know? They went out looking for real forest rangers and came back bitterly disappointed by how well-adjusted they are. Art doesn't always imitate life.

You know, when push comes to shove, what the Goddesses love best about The Red Green Show are the aphorisms. "Keep your stick on the ice?" They eat that up. "I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess?" They howl themselves silly. They know men can't change, and don't want to, and never will. It's fun to see a few men try, and fail, and try again. And fail again.

Well, that's what the Goddesses like. As for me and my household ... we love Red Green. The creative uses of duct tape. The gravelly voice. The plaid shirts and mismatched suspenders. The timeless beard. We're nuts about him. We want to bake him a pecan pie and leave it on the windowsill at Possum Lodge.

Whenever I'm feeling down and out, Red Green's cheery slogan sees me through:

"Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together."

So might it be.