This is "The Gods Are Bored," and this is a public service announcement:
If you go to a nude beach, don't sit on someone else's chair.
Free advice! I'll pay you dearly to take it.
Two weeks ago, at the nude beach, a very vile human unfolded my beach chair and deposited his man-parts on it without asking or even looking around to see who might own the chair.
After that I wouldn't take the thing home, partly because it was gross, and partly because the particular person who used it is particularly loathsome. (In a fair and stable world, I would have taken it home and scrubbed it. But not after THAT guy.)
Anyway, the loss of a perfectly good folding chair led me on a quest to find a new one. Have you done this sort of shopping lately, reader? I couldn't believe my eyes.
EXHIBIT A: SIMPLE BEACH CHAIR
So I went to the camping store.
EXHIBIT B: RIDICULOUS FANCY CHAIR
This is what passes for a camping chair these days. Lord love a fruit fly! A cup holder? Are you kidding me? And some of them have little zipper pouches to put your valuables in. Very handy! The thief will know where to look first! If the simple beach chairs were expensive, these were even more so. And they're kind of heavy. At least to my spindly arms.
You know what I've discovered in the prime of life? (Wait for it -- more free advice!)
The best place to look for affordable, traditional merchandise is a mom-and-pop hardware store.
Thank goodness there's still one of those near me! Home Depot has just about decimated the species.
So I went to the mom-and-pop hardware store, and lo and behold:
EXHIBIT C: WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
This is exactly what I wanted! A good, old-fashioned mesh folding chair. Not so great for the environment, but neither are the other ones. And this unit set me back ... yep ... twenty bucks! I can lift it, and in my experience these puppies last a good long while if you don't leave them out in the weather during the winter.
All that remains for me to do at this point is to make a sweet little sign that says:
DO NOT SIT ON THIS CHAIR
UNLESS YOUR NAME IS ANNE JOHNSON
At least this narrows it down some.