Monday, June 30, 2014

Ten Fun Hobbies You Can Pursue without Going to Hobby Lobby

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," chock a block with free advice in times of need! Look to the bored gods first and forever. They love a challenge!

Today's free advice is aimed at getting you out of that evil super-Christian corporation called Hobby Lobby. I know you shop there for all your hobby supplies. But maybe you don't want to now. If you've been hiding under a rock (a nice hobby for which you need nothing from Hobby Lobby), you might have missed the Supreme Court decision allowing Hobby Lobby to choose what medications it will allow its female employees to have through their health plans. Never mind what those conservative Christian activists impartial SCOTUS judges say about this decision being very narrow.  The Grand Canyon was narrow once, too.

You may be a regular customer of Hobby Lobby. Don't be. Don't darken the doorstep of that place again. Ever.

"But Anne," you say. "Where else can I get latch-hook kits?"

Ditch those dumb hobbies! Here are ten great pastimes that will keep you the hell out of that Christian emporium!

1. Whittle. You need a piece of wood and a knife. It's not even considered real whittling if you get your supplies from a store. Go out in the woods and find a big ol' log. Grab a knife from the kitchen. Remember, the goal of whittling is not necessarily to make something beautiful or useful. It's just meant to modify a big ol' log into something smaller. This was a very popular hobby long before Hobby Lobby came into being. It ought to be revived.

2. Beachcomb. Maybe this is easy for me because I live near a beach. But wowsa, you sure don't need Hobby Lobby! One day I could have brought home a whole dead baby shark. (It smelled kind of bad, so I didn't.) If your beach is pretty much sand and surf, use your imagination! Grab that shiny razor blade sticking out of the sand, or that quaint syringe floating in the rip current. Or wrench that plastic spoon out of the sea gull's beak! Beachcombing is fun. You don't have to collect sea glass. In fact, I would advise against it. There's too much competition.

3. Read a book. I'll bet you can't find a single book worth reading at the Hobby Lobby, but the library has lots of them.

4. Cosplay. The whole idea behind cosplay is to make your own stuff without the use of kits, instructional manuals, or cheap stuff from Hobby Lobby. Must admit I don't know my way around the tools and machines used to make pith helmets with weird goggles on them, or Princess Leia armor, but maybe you do. Or maybe you suddenly want to, just to rid yourself of the Hobby Lobby jones. First stop: YouTube. With this hobby, the devil's in the details.

5. Drum. Yeah, baby! There's not enough drumming in this world! I can't imagine that Hobby Lobby sells djembe drums, but you can get one from the Internet or from anywhere that sells rock music instruments. I'm living proof that you don't need too many lessons to be able to drum. Just count to four and hit the top with your hand. Keep at it and you'll never miss those model trains.

6. Memorize poetry. This is the best free advice I've ever given.

7. Fix up your house. Yes, I know that cross stitch is more fun than caulking cracks in the plaster and ripping up the old basement tiles. But what good is that cross stitch going to do you in the long run? Trust me, no matter how good it is, your grandchildren will toss it. They'll be far more interested in getting a great price on the old chateau. So fix it up. Be family-minded! As for the stuff you'll need to do the repairs, well, I have lots of that stuff sitting around just gathering dust. Message me.

8. Pole dance. Now here's something I double-dog guarantee you that you won't find the supplies for in a Hobby Lobby.

9. Press plants. I've never been in a Hobby Lobby, but I'll bet they've got those fancy leaf-pressers in there -- you know, the ones with the tightening screws, all those bells and whistles. News flash. Get some leaves. Get an old dictionary. Put the leaves in the dictionary according to words you like. Write down the words on a piece of paper. Stack a bunch of other books onto the dictionary. You don't need Hobby Lobby to press plants! Just use your dictionary. When was the last time you looked up a word in a dictionary, instead of going online? Case closed.

10. Act weird. This is a fun and rewarding hobby. I've been doing it for years, and I just love it! I've never needed a Hobby Lobby to pursue this pastime ... but I may start practicing it in front of a Hobby Lobby. What can they do, arrest me for acting weird? I have a Constitutional right to free speech! Please excuse me now, I have to go practice making fart noises by shoving my hand in my armpit and flapping like a chicken. I call it my "Hobby Lobby Routine."

Bonus free advice for the highly motivated Hobby Lobby hater: You need to actually go into the Hobby Lobby to do this one. Find the most expensive item. Ask a salesperson to explain in detail how it works. Examine it slowly and carefully. Be sure to take it out of the box and ask to see how it is assembled and cared for. Then, when it's lying in bits and pieces halfway up and down the aisle, just shrug your shoulders, thank the kind salesperson, and say, "I'm going to get this on Amazon." Don't forget to smile and wave as you leave the store.

6 comments:

Alex said...

As someone who works in a small independent craft store in the UK, I'm really pissed at Hobby Lobby for besmirching the good name of craft shops! Also really sad for my American friends and family that have no NHS so have to but up with such BS. BUT I have too disagree about the time washing tactics of looking at stuff you've no intention of buying. Who does Hobby Lobby's crappy health insurance policy hurt? Their staff. Who does this time waisting hurt? Also the staff who have to work at H L because they need the job. Write to Hobby Lobby and tell them why you will be boycotting them, but don't make life harder for the sales people!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

You left out the best free hobby of them all -- BLOGGING! It's saved me millions, I tell ya, millions in cross-stitch supplies.

JACKIESUE said...

you always come up with just the right thing to say..you rock.

Terraluna said...

My hobby suggestion - grow your own veggies. Burn Hobby Lobby and Monsanto both with this one radical act, and get delicious food, too. For the overachiever, add a couple of backyard hens. An endless supply of amusement - and eggs.

Kimber said...

I memorized "The Invitation" By Oriah Mountain Dreamer. Dusting off the old brain and public poetry recitation, yes please!

Mary said...

No poem memorizing and no pole dancing, but all other suggestions are valid for me.
I have never been in a Hobby Lobby--do we have them on the west coast? Are they like Michael's? I don't know. I never set food in those places more than once every few years anyway. Thank you for the advice. Giant corporations suck but Americans make sure they multiply like bunnies.