Which is why they've both popped in for an interview today! Other people ask Heloise for hints, but me? I go straight to the Jokers. Please give a warm, wonderful, Gods Are Bored welcome to Loki and Anansi, Gods of Trickery!
Anne: Sacred Fellows, I have a problem.
Anansi: Oh, I love problems! I tend to think of them as challenges.
Loki: Brain teasers, if you will.
Anne: Here's the scoop. My daughter The Spare has celebrated turning 20 by getting herself a boyfriend.
Loki: You've got the wrong deities here, Anne. Love is not our specialty.
Anansi: Anne knows that, for the love of fat flies!
Anne: Yeah, I do know that. Here's the scoop. This new boyfriend has strictly religious parents ... and I don't mean Pagan ... there's a deep well of conservatism there. He hates Maryland. But worst of all, he's allergic to cats!
Loki and Anasi burst into sustained laughter.
Anansi: It worked, Loki! We chose the perfect boyfriend for The Spare!
Loki: Don't take credit where it isn't due, Anansi ... although I know you love to do that. Even we would not have thought to throw in the cat allergy. Classic!
Anne: Spare is bringing this fellow around for a spot of supper next Saturday. She wants him to think she has a normal family.
Loki and Anansi burst into sustained laughter.
Loki: Of course you aren't going to comply with this directive.
Anne: I don't see how I can! Spare has specifically requested that I abstain from throwing road kill carcasses into the back yard. What if I see some bloated possum that would be a fit offering to the Sacred Thunderbird?
Anansi (to Loki): We've got to find a dead possum. This is South Jersey. Piece of cake.
Anne: What should I wear?
Loki: How about that t-shirt that says, "God is a comedian, playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh?"
Anansi: You have four Vulture Fest t-shirts ... I like the bright red one. But for the best effect, most definitely ...
Anansi and Loki together: MUMMER'S SUIT!
Anne: You don't think that's over the top?
Loki: Anne, with you there is no top.
Anne: This is the problem. Spare wants her family to look normal. I'm not even sure what normal looks like anymore. I haven't been a Methodist since 2005, and that was where I got all my clues on normal.
Anansi: Christians. So damn serious. Not one funny story in a book 1,000 pages long!
Loki: Well, some of them are funny without meaning to be. The one about the woman being created out of the man's rib ... cracks me up every time.
Anne: How in the world do I prepare this house for someone who is allergic to cats? Right now I've got three inside and another one outside.
Anansi: Yeah, and the couch you just trash-picked for fifty bucks comes from a house that had two cats. Didn't you see how Gamma was sniffing it up when Mr. J and Heir hauled it in here?
Loki: That one was my dodge.
Anansi: Do say! Good job!
Loki and Anansi high-five.
Loki: What did you do with the little sign that said, "$50?"
Anne: I threw it away, of course!
Loki: Dig it out. Put it back on the couch.
Anansi: At the very least, brag about it. Not everybody gets a nice couch like this off the street for fifty bucks.
Loki: Out of deference to you, Anne, I chose one that didn't have any stains.
Anne: Well, thank you for that, Loki, but ... asking again ... where do I draw the loony line?
Anansi: I dunno ... Kansas?
Loki: I'm going to steal your pencils so you can't even draw a line!
Anne: This young fellow is coming to dinner. I'll miss "The Rachel Maddow Show!"
Anansi: No! Turn it on! Blast it! You might miss some important breaking news about Chris Christie!
Loki: I'll take care of hiding Mr. J's shaving cream.
Anansi: I'll open the New York Times to Maureen Dowd.
Loki: I'll round up all the neighborhood cats. The air won't be breathable inside or out.
Anansi: I'll arrange the Spoutwood Fairie Festival photos in loving order on the mantelpiece.
Loki: Don't include the ones with Spare in her corset.
Anansi: I was thinking rather of this little number.
Anansi: And this one.
Loki: Bumper stickers! Anansi! We need more bumper stickers for the remaining Johnson vehicle! "I Heart Mountains" is not sufficient!
Anansi: Yeah, Anne, what happened to the one that says, "I Do Whatever My Rice Crispies Tell Me To Do?"
Anne: I ditched it.
Loki: And you call yourself Our disciple! Get another one!
Anansi: And this pin: "A Woman's Place is In Her Union." It's not prominent enough on the kitchen corkboard. Wear it!
Loki: ... on the "God is a comedian" t-shirt.
Anne: Good suggestions all, but I really don't want to embarrass The Spare. She's a great kid.
Anansi: Anne, face facts. The only way you are going to appear "normal" is to re-decorate your house, throw out your whole wardrobe, ditch your entire library, and dismantle the Shrine of the Mists.
Loki: And even then, with us at your back, you're going to commit every faux pas imaginable.
Anansi: Yep! Every last one!
Anansi and Loki high-five on their way to search for road kill and bumper stickers.
Image of Loki, Thalia Took. Image of Anansi, Janice Skivington.
7 comments:
Oh dear...
My suggestion is to be yourself, as you might need to be at school. Normal is as Normal does, or something, and Nortmal for You & the Spare are however you are currently. No need for extensive rearranging of trinkets and baubles.
As for the cat thing, I am not sure. When I visited, I didn't notice much in terms of CatCrisis and I tend to get all sniffly in their presence too. Perhaps a sticky roller thing on the sofa to get the most recent hairs off, and slip some antihistamines in the punch bowl. :P
Can't fight Loki too hard, either way. So roill with it. and good luck!
I can send you back the road kill sweatshirt..nah, I love it too much.
spare is a wonderful child but asking you all to appear normal is...well..it's ..uhmmm, er...not honest?..she should show you off in all your oddness(not to me your not) and say if you really like me this won't matter...
Doctor Debra She Who Seeks prescribes for The Spare one immediate viewing of the movie "The Birdcage" to educate her about the unfairness of asking parents to change who they are just to impress a kid's new love interest.
Loki's in my life at the moment too and causing upheaval and chaos. I just haven't blogged about it yet but will in due course.
In fairness to The Spare, she didn't ask me to be "normal." She knows that's impossible. She just asked me not to throw anymore possum carcasses in the back yard, which is a somewhat reasonable request.
What will you be making for dinner?
That's what you do with the possum carcass, serve it for dinner! I've got a great recipe for possum I can send you... ;-)
Fried squirrel for dinner, I think. Tastes just like chicken and is very economical.
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