Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" A few minutes ago, I hit the wall. That means, I reached a point past exhaustion where nothing much makes sense, and therefore everything is funny. At this point it's either laugh or cry ... tears roll in either case.
It's a good time to visit with my friend Floppy, who came here to live one day when I was low-down and blue. Floppy is an Egyptian vulture. Quite a snappy friend, don't you think? Anyway, I think Floppy has some news for me, so let's find out:
Anne: Floppy! You look excited!
Floppy: Oh, you betcha, Anne! You're going to love this too! I've been named to the Committee for Ranking Appalling Putridity!
Anne: Seriously? You made CRAP? Congratulations! But please re-acquaint me with the aims of this worthy association.
Floppy: Well, we smell things and rank them according to their foulness. The aim is to get everything stinky into one long line of stinkiness, leading up to the worst stench on the planet.
Anne: I can't imagine many creatures who would know more about rancid odors than a vulture. Still, you must have beaten out a lot of vultures for this honor, Floppy.
Floppy: Can't really answer that, Anne. The balloting is highly secretive.
Anne: I'll bet they're all about secretions on that committee ... *hitting the wall laughter* So, Floppy. Tell me a little bit more about CRAP. And I mean a little bit, because I don't have a strong stomach.
Floppy: Well, you've got your basic stink bugs, your skunks, your hagfish, that tomcat in your back yard ... gee, I wonder if he helped me get the nod!
Anne: No doubt. So your committee sits around and sniffs stuff and then votes on what smells the worst.
Anne: I hope these aren't home-based meetings.
Floppy: No, CRAP is scheduled to meet next week in Trenton. Right up the road!
Anne: Just so I know for sure ... it is literal and actual stink you're measuring, not metaphorical or figurative stink, right?
Floppy: I think it's literal stink. Otherwise, why would they appoint a vulture?
Anne: Well, Floppy, it's like this. In the world of metaphorical stink, vultures get appointed all the time. Trenton is lousy with metaphorical vultures. If I were you, I would take a quantity of stink bugs as security. And fly there. Don't commute.
Floppy: Oh, I intend to fly. These roads in New Jersey ... you just can't trust them to get you places on time.