Did you know that many bored deities can speak Cat? One very venerable ancient Goddess from what is now the forested regions of Transylvania left me this little dramatic conversation She overheard the other night. She even knew the names of the cats in question: Gus, the wounded tom cat; Mestopheles, the jet-black snob who lives down the street; Beta (my itty bitty tabby); and Gamma, my indoor "trophy feline."
Here's the report:
Scene: Anne's tiny back yard in Snobville and the surrounding, equally tiny yards.
Time: 7:30 p.m., Wednesday, January 8. Temperature: 25 degrees Fahrenheit. Winds out of the north.
Mestopheles: Gus! How they hanging?
Gus: They're here, that's all that matters. But this wound on my neck hurts like a sonofabitch.
Mestopheles: Listen. Steer clear of the free food out front of the house. It's a trap. I went for it and got caught in a box. It took three humans to get me out! And Beta was laughing at me the whole time.
Gus: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You idiot, that's a Have-a-Heart trap! If I walk into that thing, it's bye-bye balls. I would never get fooled by that.
(Great sounds of commotion in the back yard. Human calls "Kitty kitty kitty! Here, Gamma!"
Mestopheles: Snap, Gus! Look! That pampered, indoor pretty boy has escaped! Look at him run!
Gus: Life of Riley, that one. Warm roof over his head, all the vittles he can eat...
Mestopheles: Yeah, but look. He's inside all the time. And neutered. And right now, he's outside. At our mercy. Let's corner him and kick his butt.
Gus: Not sure I'm up to much butt-kicking. But it's too good of an opportunity to pass up.
Gus and Mestopheles melt into the darkness to watch two hysterical humans trying to catch Gamma, who is running scared, but still running. Finally the humans give up and go in the house. As they go inside, they let Beta out.
Beta: Hey, you guys seen the orange slacker?
Gus: He's hiding behind the discarded windowpanes beside your neighbor's shed.
Beta: Scare the shit out of him, willya? This back yard is mine. I don't want him jackin' my style.
Mestopheles: When we're finished with him, he'll hide in the dark corner of your basement for a week! C'mon, Gus, let's go put some Chris Christie on that pretty boy!
Gus and Mestopheles surround Gamma, pinning him behind the panes of glass. Beta watches, satisfied, from the back porch. Ten minutes pass. Beta asks to be let back inside. Her wish is granted. Another ten minutes pass, and out the back door comes a human, in a warm winter coat, with a flashlight from a smart phone. The human begins calling for Gamma (who doesn't really know his name).
Gamma: rrrrrrrrr...... rrrrr ...rrrrr..r......rrrrr
Human: Gamma? Gamma? Where are you? Here, Gamma!
Gus: rrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRrrrrrreeeeowwwwwwRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Oh, damn, Mestopheles, the human is finding the pretty boy by listening to us!
Mestopheles: Yeah. Oh shit. Here she is.
Human (to Mestopheles): Thanks for helping me find him, but get outta here!
Mestopheles: Call it off, Gus. The human has located her boy toy!
Gus: Don't bad mouth that human too much, Mes. She made me up a swell lean-to.
Mestopheles: Which is more than you deserve, marking every square inch of her yard.
Gus: I'm a tom. It's how we roll.
Mestopheles and Gus peel off, watching in amusement as the human tries to pry her house cat out from behind jagged panes of glass, finally chasing him back into his own yard, then enticing him with the one thing he has learned ... the sound of a spoon clicking on a cat can, and the sound of the can being opened. He inches just into the human's reach, and she grabs him by the scruff of the neck and hauls him back indoors.
Mestopheles and Gus roar with laughter.
Mestopheles: Well now, that's about the most pathetic thing I've seen in a month of Sundays.
Gus: Yep. For all this wound ... and it's a doozy, might be the end of me ... I wouldn't give up my freedom to come and go where I please, when I please, horny all the time.
Mestopheles: I've got the best of all worlds. I have a warm home and owners who let me run wild.
Gus: Yeah, but for all that, don't brag on yourself too much. You're the one who got nabbed in the trap.
Mestopheles: Oh, go spray the wood pile!
Beta (from the back porch): Thanks for your help, homies! Pretty boy's hiding in the basement with his plume-like orange tail between his legs!
Gus: Tell that human to leave out some food without the trap, will ya!
Beta: Right on it, handsome!