Monday, February 22, 2010

Free Advice on How To Turn Your Cat into a Dog

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" In this post, we're determined to entertain the bored gods -- and you!

We all know the difference between dogs and cats. Dogs are slaves. Cats have slaves. And you're the slave! Aren't you sick of it? Want to turn the tables?

I, Anne Johnson, can give you a tip that will make your cats sit up and beg. They'll follow you around loyally. Heck, if you use it right, they'll fetch your newspaper and slippers. What I am about to reveal is a food item that turns ordinary house cats into groveling wretches. If you've lived with cats as long as I have, you're really ready to see them humbled.

This is Ninben brand Dried Shaved Bonito. I purchase mine at the convenient Korean grocery store in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

Dried shaved bonito could better be described as fish flakes. Stinky fish flakes. Korean cooks use them as soup stock, and I can imagine that combined with water and vegetables, dried shaved bonito becomes somewhat more palatable. In the form you see here, however, the stuff smells like a pack of kippers left out too long on a sunny day.

Never mind what Ninben Dried Shaved Bonito smells like. You want your cats to make asses of themselves, don't you? Okay then. Go to the Asian grocery store, purchase a big bag of fish flakes, bring it home, hold your nose, and call Fluffy. She will swoon. Then she'll be your bitch for life. Wherever you take the stinky fish flakes, she will call home.

In this way, my daughter The Spare convinced our cat, Alpha, to be a nightly bed companion. Spare doesn't even need to put out a bowl of fish flakes anymore. Alpha just sits there every night, hoping Spare will deliver.

Don't be fooled by those expensive cans of "Kitty Caviar." You know what that is? Dried bonito flakes! Cheap as all that in any Asian grocery!

Yes, you can make your cat do stupid pet tricks if you offer bonito flakes as a reward. Nothing is too stupid if it leads to fish flakes. Trust me, this treat goes where catnip never can. It turns the proudest animal on the planet into a drooling, fawning toady. And since people don't suck up to us, our cats should. Shouldn't they?

As usual here at "The Gods Are Bored," this handy advice is offered completely free of charge. Are you loving us yet?


Sarita Rucker said...

Oh yes I am loving you, and I will love you forever if you continue to give such great advice.

Who knew there was something better than catnip?


greekwitch said...

Oh that sounds like fun. Shadow my youngest kitty is pretty loyal and easygoing(he is a leo), but Tsitsini(she is a Virgo)she is proud and always wants everything her way. There are n't amny stores like that around here but i will try to find out where asian restaurant get their stuff!
Thank you!
Brightest blessings**

THE Michael said...

The Siamese Feline Assasination Squad has been dispatched to your location even as I speak! Get a DOG, NOW!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Do they work on parrots too?


I go to Family Dollar and spend $1 for a 15oz can of mackrel...Dexter loves it so much that he has figured out where it's kept in the lower cabinet and opens the door and pulls the can out and rolls it around and scratches at the can trying to open it..

Lori F - MN said...

I can't wait to try this! I passed it on to all my cat-loving family and friends

Pitch313 said...

Even though what you say about bonito flakes does work a sort of "magic" on cats, I'm not giving any to mine.

The Japanese fishing industry, at least in my eyes, is far too destructive of endangered species like bluefin tuna.