Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we want to take just a moment to salute Nancy Pelosi, the new Speaker of the House. We at "The Gods Are Bored" have less than a thimbleful of respect for any sitting member of U.S. Congress. However, Ms. Pelosi is the best of a bad bunch. Long may she preside!
We here at Chateau Johnson got a water bill a few weeks ago. It was a whopper. The meter reader hadn't gotten in for awhile. Even so, it was a stinker of a bill. So Mr. Johnson called City Hall and talked to the water people.
They said we used 25,000 gallons of water in 4 months.
After Mr. Johnson recovered from fainting dead away, he asked how that could possibly be true. And the water people told him that our usage is conservative compared to the average in our sleepy little borough!
Quoth the water people: "The folks who water their lawns with sprinklers use far more water than you Johnsons do."
No one knows better than me the weight and volume of a gallon of water. Whenever I can get home to Berkeley Springs, I fill about 25 gallons to bring back to the Great Blue Northeast. It is one heck of a chore, lugging those one-gallon containers to the car parked less than 100 yards away.
So, if I repeated that arm-straining task 1000 times, I'd have our family's 4-month water use. It boggles the brain. Especially my brain. I spent the summers in my grandparents' house in Appalachia that didn't have running water. Ain't no doggone way they used 25,000 gallons of H2O in 4 months.
Sipping a precious glass of Berkeley Springwater, I prayerfully consulted King Triton about my family's abuse of a precious (and dwindling) natural resource. He gave me some tips.
*low-flow potties (already had those)
*showers, not baths (this hit daughter The Heir like a ton of bricks)
*don't water the lawn (wouldn't dream of it)
I thanked King Triton with a suitable flower arrangement cast into the nearest moving body of water. Then I did an assessment of my appliances.
I found the outlaw. It's my clothes washer.
With two kids, self, and spouse, I could do a load of laundry every day of the week. Usually I would let the stuff pile up over time and then do seven loads in a day. But that only works if you're employed in your home as a goat judge. When you've got to go out and be a teacher, you can't be chained to the washing machine.
Enter the local laundromat.
Did you know they have machines there that can wash six loads of laundry at once? It costs a little over five bucks. And those big, efficient dryers! In, out, la dee dah!
King Triton said that I'll break even financially using the laundromat, but I'll save time and water. Time that is better spent at the pub, drinking beer.
Do you need good advice from a bored god or goddess? Our operators are standing by to take your call.
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS