You're Really Dissing the Thrift Store, Country Magazine?

 It's President's Day weekend, and what does that mean? Everything's half off at the thrift store! And whoa, doggies. The place was packed.

Have you seen the average thrift store shopper these days? No you haven't, because all kinds of people shop at the thrift store now. Lots of artsy Gen Z, lots of handsome metrosexual men, and lots of school teachers. Tons of school teachers.

I have a favorite thrift store that I visit at least once a week for retail therapy. Over the years I have almost completely outfitted myself and my house from that store. I've gotten towels, bath rugs, sheets, bedspreads, throw pillows, small pieces of furniture, books, shoes, decorations, and small kitchen appliances there. Clothing? Almost all my clothing comes from the thrift store. The only clothing I buy retail is fairy attire!

Fact: Last week I went to Target to buy a Valentine's Day gift for Mr. J. I picked up the one thing I'm loath to buy at the thrift store (underwear) and saw a cute set of pajamas that I liked. With Mr. J's gift I spent ... get ready ... $70. My jaw dropped. That's three or four hefty hauls from the thrift store!

So you can imagine my surprise when Country Magazine, that chic bastion of finding cute stuff at the antique mall, came out with an article entitled "40 Things You Should Never Buy at the Thrift Store."

40, mind you. Should have titled it "Don't Shop at the Thrift Store, Buy Something Expensive Instead."

Needless to say, I was intrigued to see what Country Magazine deemed unworthy of purchase from a thrift store.

*Old furniture. Might have lead paint. As opposed to stuff at the antique mall, which is presumably pristine.

*Anything upholstered. Well, they don't sell such things at my thrift store, thank you very much.

*Bedding. Might have bedbugs. Except you can see the industrial-sized washing machines in the back room at the thrift store.

*Stuff for kids, as in, car seats, strollers, and toys. Excuse you, Country Magazine. While my local thrift store is chock-a-block with cutie pie young skinny guys, it's also always full of poor people. You know, the people the thrift store is supposed to serve. And those people might not be able to go out and buy a brand new car seat. Shit's expensive.

*Throw pillows. Again, bedbugs. The magazine's advice? Buy a throw pillow from Target, where it's $10 - $20. News flash: $20 will buy 10 pillows at the thrift store. It's a bedbug gamble, but so is staying at the Hilton.

*Clothes. Say that again? Yes, you heard me. Clothes! They might be torn or stained, and you can't return them! For the love of fruit flies. As if anyone goes into the thrift store, plucks something from the rack, flips it on the counter, and doesn't so much as glance at it to see if it's stained! I'll admit, I did buy a shirt two weeks ago that is missing the bottom button. But stains and tears? Everyone checks for stains and tears.

*Anything that smells bad. Duh. That's advice for trash-pickers, not Goodwill shoppers.

*Kitchen appliances. They might not work. Well, let's see. I got my crock pot there, and it works. I got my hand mixer there, and it works. Case closed.

In this slideshow article, the list goes on and on, and most of the stuff on it isn't stuff I see in the thrift store where I shop. Who buys old windowpanes at the thrift store?

I can't imagine that many readers of Country Magazine actually shop in thrift stores, but I guess maybe the sport is getting so trendy that even rich faux-chic snobs are going there now. I'm stretching it with this one, but do you think perhaps Target paid the magazine to run such a spurious slide show? Hmmm. 

One last powerful point to this sermon, and it's the kind of whopper of a point that would bring any new congregant to the altar call. Have you read that little tag on the brand new pair of blue jeans you bought at Target? WASH BEFORE WEARING. WASH SEPARATELY. You see this on everything new. Everything. So how is that different from bringing home thrift store garments and flinging them in the washing machine? Well, maybe all the poisonous dyes have been leeched from the thrift store attire already!

I'll bet you're wondering what I bought today at the thrift store. Oh, readers. I got an NFL brand zippered hoodie with the Eagles logo, in my size, for $2.50. Have you priced out official NFL merchandise in the retail sector? Don't. Go to the thrift store, especially after the team has had a bad year.

There will be more in this space about the thrift store in coming installments. But this sermon has run long, and I know you want to get on with your day.

 

Clothes for the Fool Kids

Have you ever shopped at Abercrombie & Fitch? If so, I have some great free advice for you. Go to the nearest Goodwill, find the sloppiest Size Small clothes, take them home and beat them with a rake, and you can claim they're Abercrombie & Fitch while saving enough to treat yourself to dinner!

And enjoy that dinner, knowing that A&F only wants to attract the "cool kids."

These are the exact words of A&F's CEO, Michael "Beanpole" Jeffries:

"We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don't belong [in our clothes]. And they can't belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely."

The largest size A&F carries is a 10. If you need a larger size, you aren't welcome. "Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. You don't alienate anybody, but you don't excite anybody, either." (Again the gallant Jeffries)

You know what alienates us here at "The Gods Are Bored?" Seeing a bunch of spoiled, rich, skinny girls, all attired nearly (but not completely) identically from Abercrombie's shelves. I've gone into that store once or twice to gawk. The price tags for carefully destroyed-looking clothing are ridiculous. And the stuff is about as exciting as organic paper towels.

People are making much of the exclusion of fat kids in this Abercrombie equation. It's despicable. But I find it even more despicable that this CEO says his company is going after "the attractive all-American kid with a lot of friends." A&F is going after nothing of the sort. They're going after insecure young people who want others to make decisions for them. At a very high ticket price. Where he sees "a lot of friends," I see "a herd of sheep."

The growing hipster movement is a backlash against this kind of overpriced, uniform slopwear. More and more I see young, artsy-looking people shopping at the Goodwill, trying to find a look that is unique and affordable.

My daughters The Heir and The Spare have been way ahead of the curve when it comes to fashion choice. No Abercrombie for them! Urban Outfitters? You kidding me? My daughters can't afford to look like everybody else! And they like a little color in their lives. A little lace. A Size 14 top with a great pattern, belted! A nautical hoodie from who-knows-where with cute flags on it! You know where they get their stuff? Goodwill!

No one has more friends than Spare, and a favored girls' night out in her posse is a trip to ... yes, indeed ... Goodwill.

Abercrombie & Fitch sells clothing to kids who are afraid of themselves and others. They want to be thin, because that's what they see in the fashion magazines. They want to be young, because old people are gross. They want to be frumpy, because their friends are all frumpy, and if they can't afford to pay for frumpiness, they'll be unpopular, unattractive ... un-all-American.

Who are you attracting, Abercrombie? The cool kids or the fool kids? MORONS.