There's a Word for Everything

Remember a few weeks ago I wrote about how to make your little property more oxygen-friendly? I said that I wait until winter and then cut certain trees down to the nub. They come back in the spring as "bushes."

EXHIBIT A: ONE OF ANNE'S OAK BUSHES

Remember I said that this "bush" has been here as long as I've lived in the house I live in now, i.e., since 1987?

You don't remember that? Don't feel bad. It happens to all of us.

Anyway, the bored Goddess Cloacina tells me there's a word for this. It's a verb: coppice.

When you coppice a tree, you cut it when it's hibernating. In the spring when the sap rises, and there aren't any leaves to gather sunlight, the tree trunk sends out new branches. Can you believe it? By doing this you preserve the tree in a kind of eternal youth. It will live decades, just like this. And then if you let it get tall, it'll get tall. Or not, you can keep it small.

There are trees in Europe that date to the Middle Ages that have been coppiced. When I was back visiting the family farm in Appalachia, I noticed signs of coppicing there too.

EXHIBIT B: COPPICED TREES

This practice makes me happy, because I have a maple in my back yard that I am growing to make a staff for myself. It's nice to know I can do that without killing the tree.

And speaking of killing trees, I came home from work today to this, across the street:

EXHIBIT C: MARKED TO DIE

The general rule of thumb in many forests is to mark "cut" trees with yellow and "save" trees with blue. Look at the color choice here. It could be any color, but the evil developer reveals his inner soul with one swatch of paint.

And so the majestic oak is slated for death, while its little offspring across the road lives on, diminutive and child-like. This consoles me.

A little free advice: Coppice a few of your trees! Why buy some expensive and fragile little bush when you can grow a nice native that will require no maintenance and will rock on for decades?

The economy is humming, so this free advice is really free. I won't have to pay you to take it. Have a nice day!

Buying Chicken from Big Brother

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" It's a Brave New World we live in. Our televisions can read our minds.

Of course the flat screen needs a little assistance with that. Computer geeks to the rescue!

I read an article in the New York Times Magazine over the weekend about how a team of computer-savvy white people (mostly male) figured out how to mine the data on people who were wavering about President Obama in order to convince those people to vote for him. The idea was to spend wisely on commercial advertising. The computer team used information from Facebook (duh) and from a more widespread Nielsen-like t.v. viewing tracker. There was math and code involved. And in the process, you and I became data.

The process of marketing President Obama can be, and is being, applied to the private sector now. It works something like this:

1. You were a big fan of Kentucky Fried Chicken, but you started to put on a little weight, so you stopped going there.

2. Your favorite television show is "Rugrats" re-runs that you watch just before hitting the sack at 10:30.

3. You start seeing commercials during "Rugrats" for roasted Kentucky Fried Chicken with low-fat side dishes.

4. Since you already know where the KFC restaurant is, and you always liked the product, you find yourself returning there as a customer.

You are now data, and the numbers crunch in a way that reveals that enough KFC patrons watch "Rugrats" at 10:00 to make it worth KFC's dollar to advertise there.

The way it worked for President Obama was pretty much the same. Anyone who liked Obama's Facebook page had to open that page to all their friends, other likes, and photos. The data miners searched out friends of yours who were on the fence about Obama and then looked at what they liked. The algorithms kick in, and Obama ads get placed on "Judge Joe Brown," which is one of the shows that the computer program identified as being viewed by Obama waverers. One of the beauties of this computerized, data-driven process is that it was highly unlikely that a viewer of "Judge Joe Brown" was going to see a Romney ad in the same 30 minutes.

The people who designed this computer program for President Obama were passionate about getting him elected. Now they are equally passionate about getting customers to return to Caesar's Resorts in Las Vegas. In other words, the geeks have taken their prowess to businesses. In this case, they're trying to lure people back to gambling. Never mind that the data in this case includes people with gambling addictions who will have to see Caesar's ads during their favorite television shows. It's all about turning a buck for Caesar's.

The only way to avoid this manipulation, which may damn well be unhealthy for you (but do they care?) is to drop off the grid. We don't want to do that, though. So let us all welcome in the 21st century, where our lives are open to scrutiny not just by the N.S.A. (which, though despicable, is at least logical), but to the vices we pay for and then try to kick.

God bless America.