Haterfield Is For the Birds

 Good day to you from "The Gods Are Bored!" Today's sermon: Great news if you're a stuck up, snobby chicken!

Haterfield, NJ is now accepting applications for backyard hen ownership. Great news, yes? Except this is Haterfield, so both you and your bok boks will have to jump through some pretty damn tricky hoops first.

I do not exaggerate when I report this headline from the local rag: "Haterfield Residents Can Now Apply for Backyard Chicken Permit."

Yes. You need a permit for your chickens. And that permit doesn't come cheap (cheep?). First you have to take a class on chicken care and produce a certificate that you completed the course. Friends, I have a vivid imagination, and I could not make this up. Yes! A course on chicken care!

I don't object to the idea of taking a class on fowl husbandry. Definitely a good idea. But my guess is that you could learn everything you need to know and then some just by watching YouTube videos, or talking to your grandma. Those are free, of course. Not so the chicken class Haterfield requires.

But the class is just Step One. Step Two is applying for a permit that must be reviewed and approved not just by Haterfield's new Backyard Chicken Advisory Board but also by the Board of Commissioners.

These entities come to your house first, to inspect your coop and chicken run. Don't try to free range those pullets, that won't fly.

There is a required annual inspection and a yearly permit fee of $50.

Needless to say, roosters are not welcome. Nor can you sup upon your own chickens. Or sell their eggs.

The first year you can have four chickens. If, upon inspection the next year you are deemed to be worthy, you can increase your flock to eight. No more than eight. 

I really wish I was exaggerating this, or outright making it up. I'm not. Haterfield now has a Backyard Chicken Advisory Board. Town can't keep its teens from pooping in pianos, but you better not try to sneak a ninth chicken onto your property.

See, I only want a rooster. I would call him Cluck Norris and allow him free range in the front yard. When the Backyard Chicken Advisory Board came to confiscate him, I would release the white farm geese and watch the carnage from my porch.

No one needed to tell me Haterfield is for the birds. I've known it since 1987. But what do I care? I have four acres of WOODS.