Stop a moment and think back to April 1, 2005. Think about what you were doing, how old you were, and what your hopes and dreams were.
Now imagine that a stranger walked up to you and said, "In November of 2020, President Donald Trump will appoint a third Supreme Court justice a week before the general election in the midst of a pandemic that has taken 225,000 American lives in six months."
Imagine.
I'm surprised more people aren't seceding and starting their own countries.
Welcome to the Independent Republic of Johnsonia! If you recall, we seceded from the United States of America (irreconcilable differences) and became a country on 1 October 2020.
I, Anne Johnson, have been appointed Grand Wazoo. It's a lifetime appointment.
We've been incredibly busy with affairs of state, including collecting revenues through our Wazoo's unceasing labor. We have also undertaken infrastructure repairs ... and you know how that goes. Always more time and money than you expect.
We have, however, found time to write our National Anthem. It is to the tune of "O Canada," because you know it's okay to steal awesome national anthem tunes!
Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the singing of the National Anthem of the Independent Republic of Johnsonia!
Johnsonia
Our fertile faithful ground,
Beyond compare
The greatest land around!
From the parking drive
To the hornet hive
To the roof that needs repair,
From the sidewalk crack
To the shrine in back
We stand beyond compare!
Johnsonia
Stand up and sing!
Johnsonia, we will let freedom ring!
Johnsonia, we will let freedom ring!
Play ball.
Can you believe this? A guy who called the whole pandemic a joke, then said it would be over soon, then refused to wear a mask and belittled people who do? A guy who said it was no worse than the flu? Yeah. I knew it was a matter of time.
But you know, we Heads of State have to issue statements in situations like this, so here goes:
We the people of the Independent Republic of Johnsonia extend our best wishes to President Donald Trump and his wife Melania, for a speedy recovery from the novel coronavirus. We recognize that President Trump has many risk factors for having a worse case than average, and he may be laid up for quite some time, but yo. Feel better, dude!
Anne Johnson
President, Independent Republic of Johnsonia
