Survival Skills in a Time of National Emergency

Hello and welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Always good to see you. I've got some muffins in the oven -- banana -- so drop by!

As a lady of a certain age, I have lived through some national emergencies. Oh, yes. I mean, 9/11 was the big one, I suppose, but I can recall three assassinations, riots, Superstorm Sandy, an Oil Crisis, a fistful of hurricanes, and the inability of Smarty Jones to win the Triple Crown. I think I know how to handle these dire events.

And, since I'm such a nice and accommodating person, I'll gladly pass along to you some handy survival tips!

I know y'all aren't completely ignorant about these matters. (My readers are quite the opposite, in fact the total opposite, of ignorant.) I don't need to tell you to stock up on batteries and have a battery-powered radio, a few sturdy, working flashlights, and food that can be eaten straight from the box or can. Oh yes, and a comprehensive first aid kit, plus plenty of your prescription medications, and a full tank of gas in your car.

However, I do often notice in national emergencies that people don't plan for an adequate water supply. It's all well and good to have bottled water (a gallon per person per day), but you don't want to flush the toilet with your drinking water! Take those storage bins in your basement, remove the tops, dump the contents, and put those puppies out in your yard to catch rain water. Don't let this emergency find you unprepared.

Since this current national emergency involves the invasion of multitudes of hostile foreign combatants, I'm going to swallow my good sense and everything I believe in, and I'm going to advise you to purchase a semi-automatic weapon and several thousand dollars' worth of ammunition. Listen, the armed services can only do so much. Emergencies like this call for citizen soldiers. The enemy, from what I hear, consists of hardened criminals who particularly love to kill unsuspecting white people. So don't be unsuspecting. Get a gun. Learn how to use it.

Locate and stock your nearest bomb shelter. (Yes, they still exist! There's one under my school!) Just because the invaders haven't used nuclear weapons yet doesn't mean they won't get around to it.

Be deeply suspicious of anyone who looks or sounds foreign. If you meet someone who has an accent, call Homeland Security immediately and give your GPS coordinates. We can't be vigilant enough in these trying times.

Be ready to defend your minor children, especially the girls. The invaders are known to engage in human trafficking. God forbid they snatch your child!

Tune your radio to a trusted news source. I recommend Rush Limbaugh. He's on at the same time every day, and he's already in a bunker, with a gun, and with rations to last years. You can count on him. He's already been there through thick and thin. Mostly thick.

All right, this last one is really difficult. I'll be the first to admit it. But in a national emergency, you can't be burdened with pet care. Since you don't want the invaders to snatch your beloved Fifi or Fluffy, it will be your duty to euthanize your pet. The sooner, the better. You may need to consume their food. If the electricity is still working, you should freeze your pet's carcass as a potential source of food. Waste not, want not.

Just because the United States of America hasn't been invaded since 1812 is no reason not to take this national emergency seriously. Remember, in 1863 the highly-trained and well-armed Confederate Army got the whole way to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania before being routed like egg-sucking dogs pulling back after a skirmish. You've got to take this seriously!

Look at you. Why are you laughing? Do I look like I find this funny? I could honestly get a jump on my outdoor water supply just by weeping. But chin up. This is no time for fear or failure. Just remember, we are the nation that whipped the Nazis.

Oh! But don't do any Nazi-whipping now! Those guys with the swastika flags? They're on our side.