Thursday, December 16, 2010

Spare Writes to Santa

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Last night I found this letter written by The Spare, addressed to Santa Claus. I reprint it here as written. Santa's reply will be reprinted Saturday.

Dear Santa,

Hey ... How goes up in the North Pole. I guess it would be kind of cold right? Do you ever go on vacation to a warm place? Like the earth's core or are you actually just a polar bear dressed as a man like Al Gore & Hulk Hogan are (to be fair hulk hogan is actually a black bear). Whats your favorite bear? Anyway hows the Mrs? Hope you are keeping her away from those elves ... awkward ... Speaking of Eleves I hear they want to organize a union. If you need any advice on how to rip up a union, Just ask Chris Christie! Did you know that your name is Atnas spelled backwards. Its kinda like Atlas. I was never good with maps. But I guess you would have to be good with maps to get around the world? Or do you Just use M*A*G*I*C*? I love Magic, I'm a wizard you know. This year was my third year @ Hogwarts. Anyway I guess you could also use the tardis to get around on Christmas Eve ..... OHMYGEE! It all makes sense now... Your a timelord! Suh-weet!

Santa your my Hero, did you know that? Your Jolly and cheery. I wouldn't call you fat like some of the other kids, their mean. Nah, you're just robust maybe even big boned! Your also superfly for a white guy. I saw white because I think that the only time I've seen an african american santa was in a tyler Perry movie. Santa I have been totally awesome this year. I only set like 18 fires ... on purpose. But come on bro (can I call you bro) I don't use the fire to smoke so that should count for something right? No? OH COME ON! I'm so good! Look this paper is recycled that makes me an Earth Warrior! By recycling this I am stopping Global warming & saving the polar bears which, if you indeed are a polar bear, is saving you! So here is a list of my demands requests:

--Friends (real ones)
--Some busted Tee's shirts
--Converse shoes (black hightops)
--Ed Hardy perfume (in the pink bottle)
--good make-up brushes
--Ipod touch & Itunes gift card
--Super Mario Bros games for Gamecube (you can give to Heir to share)
--cute accessories i.e. Necklaces
--furry animal hat from Hot Topic
--a tardis (life-size lol) JK
--a pony
--and something unique!

Also Santa, please keep my Family safe & Happy this holiday. Also help my mom remain stress free. Guide my Dad with the Book. Help my sister with anixety & help me be a comedianne. Good luck with XMAS (why is it with an X?)

Spare Child Johnson



...the abbreviation predates by centuries its use in gaudy advertisements. It was first used in the mid 1500s.

X is the Greek letter “chi,” the initial letter in the word Χριστός. And here’s the kicker: Χριστός means “Christ.” X has been an acceptable representation of the word “Christ” for hundreds of years. This device is known a...s a Christogram.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Except for the pony and tardis, a very reasonable Christmas wish list! I notice she didn't mention to Santa how she tried to pull a fast one on her French assignment. Hmmmm. Full disclosure?

Alex said...

You need to get this girl a date with Conan (not the barbarian)!

Thomas said...

I think I worked on the Tyler Perry movie in question.

Intense Guy said...

I don't even think magical elves can make "friends (real ones)".

...and the Converse shoes are made in sweatshops in Indonesia, China, and Taiwan.