Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we help you with your everyday magical needs!
How often have you found yourself at a party event, under-dressed in some dowdy dress? Copy and print out the zippy recipe below, and you'll be the belle (or dude) of the ball!
You will need:
A lady on a bicycle
A sense of direction
A sense of urgency
Non-maxed credit at a department store
Hop into the car and drive off in a direction that shows some signs of life. (If you are in the countryside, this may be just an eenie-meenie-miney-mo choice.)
When you see the lady on the bicycle, ask for directions to the nearest shopping mall. Wait for her to catch her breath. This may take some time. Repeat her directions back to her so you're sure you've got them right.
Follow the directions exactly. Watch out for slow-moving trucks.
At the shopping mall, locate the store you like the most. This can be done by following the handy direction signs posted at the edges of the mall complex.
Run, don't walk, into the store.
Grab the first dress on the rack that is your size. Take it into the dressing room and put it on. If it is revealing of certain body parts, grab the nearest shrug or shawl that marginally matches the dress.
Run, don't walk, to the costume jewelry aisle and find a necklace that unites the colors of the dress and the shrug.
(Optional): Find a makeup artist that's standing around doing nothing, and have her apply basic makeup.
Go to the checkout counter. Ask the clerk to cut off the dress tags. You might have to go behind the cash register so the clerk can remove the anti-theft device. After all, you're wearing the dress.
Pay for everything with your store credit, mindful that this is a reward for working a stressful job.
Run, don't walk, to the exit. As you return to your point of origin in the car, put on the jewelry and the shrug. Note how the dress magically matches the shoes you brought to wear. This happens every time.
On your way back, be sure to wave to the lady on the bike who gave you the directions in the first place. She will be riding in the opposite direction.
Reap the compliments on your well-turned-out appearance!
This free advice is, as always, offered as a public service to the patrons of "The Gods Are Bored." However, should you feel moved to make a donation, our operators are standing by to take your call.