Friday, July 13, 2012

Wiccans 4 Gettysburg

Greetings from "The Gods Are Bored!" My, it's hot out. Hope you and yours are staying cool.

I had a wonderful bored deity all lined up for an interview yesterday, but it turns out He got an assignment and had to postpone. We'll see if we can't get Him in here soon, because He does some really interesting things.

In the meantime, I grabbed this email from a Red Oak Grove member, to whom it was sent:

Greetings from Four Points by Sheraton Chambersburg in ******Chambersburg**,
**PA****! I hope that you are having a wonderful summer and had a blessed
Summer Solstice a few weeks ago!

 
It is my understanding that many followers of the Wiccan Tradition enjoy
making pilgrimages to places where there are a great number of reported
instances of supernatural activity—such as ****Gettysburg****. It is with
great respect and this understanding that I write to you today. As we are
only 30 minutes from **Gettysburg**, I would like to invite you and your
fellow followers to stay at our hotel should you ever decide to make a trip
to ****Gettysburg****!

 
Should you ever choose to bring a group to our hotel, we would like to
offer you a discounted rate on sleeping rooms. This rate would be valid
for rooms with either one king or two double beds, a full bathroom, free
wireless internet, a television equipped with in-room movies and games, a
telephone, a state-of-the-art one cup coffee maker, an ironing board and
iron, and so much more, including unbeatable comfort! Included in the
price of the room is also our hot and cold buffet style breakfast served
every morning. We have the largest indoor pool in town, a garden
overlooking Falling Spring Creek with a grilling area and picnic gazebo, a
workout room, a coin-operated laundry facility, and Premium Sustainable
Coffee available in our lobby 24/7! It just doesn’t get any better than
this!

 
We also have four different meeting rooms, should your group ever desire to
have a place to meet, talk, form a circle, or simply mingle while in our
area. If you decide to book a group with us, I am more than willing to
work out a great rate for you on the meeting rooms—if you book enough
sleeping rooms, you could even get the meeting room for free!

 
I hope that you will take advantage of this offer and bring a group to ****
Gettysburg****. I myself really enjoy learning about the supernatural
activity in ****Gettysburg****—it is simply fascinating! If you would like
to discuss booking a group with us, or would like more information, please
do not hesitate to contact me. I look forward to any opportunities to work
with you in the future! Blessed be!****
**


Well! I don't know where to start laughing about this one! A tremendous amount of research went into this email, don't you think? I, for one, did not know that people who follow the Wiccan Tradition make pilgrimages to places of mass slaughter in order to talk to ghosts. I thought that was what Psychics do. If you are a non-psychic Wiccan, and you would be interested in going to ****Gettysburg**** to enjoy the high quality supernatural activity there, would you please comment below? I just want to see if there's anyone who identifies as Wiccan who would want to book such a trip (and book it at a Sheraton hotel. And book it at a Sheraton in ***Chambersburg, PA***, which is 30 minutes from ****Gettysburg****, which has its own Sheraton).

Let's briefly and off the top of my head recount the facts of ****Gettysburg****.

The battle lasted three days and produced 44,000 casualties. It occurred during the July 4 week. The weather was hot as hell, so the wounded quickly got gangrene or died of dehydration. Think of this: Not one single battle in either WWI or WWII produced as many American deaths as ****Gettysburg****. In three days it produced more casualties than the whole Iraq War (not counting Iraqis).

Do any of you Wiccan readers want gory details on the weapons of mass destruction employed at ****Gettysburg****? I didn't think so.

Moving on. What's with the asterisks ringing poor ****Gettysburg**** in this missive? I guess it makes the name stand out better. Kind of like ****Mass Bloodletting**** or ****Bodies Strewn Everywhere over a Shell-Pocked Landscape****.

Do I think there are ghosts at ****Gettysburg?**** Yes indeed. Do I, as a Pagan, want to seek them out for a seance? Oh HELL no! I've been on that battlefield. It's hardly bearable in the bright daylight, with poorly-dressed tourists snapping pointless pictures at pathetic monuments to decimated regiments.

Now for you psychics out there who might want to help the remaining tortured soldiers to cross over. Let me ask you this: After a day (or night) of that kind of Work, would you want to retire to some sterile McMotel that looks like every other McMotel of its name brand, from Abilene to Yuma? Can you imagine having a circle meeting there to talk about the supernatural experience on that hollow ground? (It is hollow, there's limestone underneath with caves.)

I'm sure the Four Points Sheraton ****Chambersburg**** (not ****Gettysburg****) hires relatively intelligent people. I mean, the invitation above doesn't have any grammatical errors in it. But the assumption that Wiccans would want to go to Gettysburg and mess with its horrific karma is a bit of a stretch.

I saved the funniest part for last. The email was sent to a Druid grove. That's kind of like inviting a lot of  Methodists to ****Gettysburg**** because everyone knows that Baptists like to hunt for ghosts.

Geez, I was thinking of unsubscribing to that Druid message board! Changed my mind. Laughs are all what I'm about, even when the topic is more sad than funny.









 

9 comments:

alex Pendragon said...

Is there free broom parking as well? And will we have to rub shoulders with werewolves>

Cristeen said...

fantastic post and Thanks for sharing this info. It's very helpful.
B&B in Jaipur

Aquila ka Hecate said...

Ach. Druid, Wicca..all you weird religions are the same. Aren't you?

Lovely post. Made Terri laugh as well. Also, check the comment above mine - Wiccans may want to visit Jaipur.

Love,
Terri in Joburg

Chas S. Clifton said...

But the hotel has ****ironing boards***!

Seriously, I'm with you on the rest. When it comes to Gettysburg, etc., I think I was there, did that, and got the (bloody) T-shirt. I could not even sit through Ken Burns' "Civil War" series without having to get up and leave the room occasionally.

Go there ghost-hunting? I'd rather visit Chernobyl.

Davoh said...

Oy, can ya figure out a way t send ol' Sol back 'ere. 'Effing cold over on this side of the planet!

Anne Johnson said...

On its way, Davoh. I'll miss the light, but not the heat.

Jaime...My Love said...

Gosh, that's wild. No, I don't want to go to that place! There is enough negativity out there, I like to focus on the good. Spending a vacation thinking about death and destruction is not for me. Glad I found your blog though, best wishes!

Corsen said...

As off the mark as this was, it's still pretty impressive to me that they saw pagans as a demographic, and made the attempt to market to them. Countdown until they get boycotted by appalled Christians?

Kaylyn Soller said...

I'm not a huge history fan, and blood and death have no appeal for me. I'd much rather commune with my Goddess in the mountains, thank you very much!