Bullhorn Bullshit

 Summer is winding down here at "The Gods Are Bored," and that means there are two events upcoming ... and we always go to both.

The first is Philadelphia Pagan Pride Day. It's held on the Saturday of Labor Day Weekend. The second is Labor Day itself, which includes a parade of unions along Philadelphia's waterfront.

Only one of these events draws protesters. I'll bet you can guess which one.

I can't remember if there was a Philadelphia Pagan Pride Day last September. I wouldn't have gone, because Covid was still an issue in our household. However, I did go in 2019, and readers, it wasn't all tree-huggy.

PPPD attracts the attention of the Christian fringe, and they come bearing bullhorns and banners proclaiming that all Pagans are going to Hell. Since they don't have a permit to protest at our event, they are supposed to stay on the fringe. But lately the Philly cops have been -- hmm, how should I put it? -- a tad lax. It's possible that these disruptors may lurch right into the event area with their noxious nastiness.

Honestly these protesters haven't bothered me personally in the past. But I know that their presence is very very triggering to some people in the Pagan community. Paganism has attracted many practitioners who have escaped the abuses of the radical evangelical Christian churches. Being accosted and harassed at a Pride event causes a lot of angst. For that reason, I deeply resent the intrusion of these moron zealots.

The event organizers at PPPD have been very adept at minimizing the Christian presence. Volunteers form a kind of human wall around the noise so that it doesn't drown out the programs and the rituals. And eventually the bullhorns must get heavy, because the protesters usually leave after about an hour.

Who is to say, though, in these emboldened times?

Now I know that West Philly is chock-a-block with anti-fascists who are able to rout any incursion by Proud Boys or other such rabble. But that's politics. This is religion, that other thorny subject. Doubtful that antifa will lend us a hand on this one.

According to trustworthy sources, Christian protesters have become more aggressive at Pagan events this year. I sure hope this isn't the case in Philly. All we want to do is see each other, donate a few cans of food and some pet supplies, buy trinkets from the vendors, and have a workshop or a ritual, or both. Why is that anyone else's business? We don't go to their stupid storefront churches and shout that they're headed to Hades! (Ahem, though it could be true.)

What should I, Anne Johnson, do if these nitwits crash our Pride Day? Don't suggest glitter bombs, because it's a city park with big old trees. Otherwise I am open to suggestions.

Go Directly To Jail, Moron Televangelist

Greetings, my friends, and a hearty virtual hug from Pastor Annie at "The Gods Are Bored!" You know, science is a wonderful thing. So is history. And when you're asked to shelter in place during a highly contagious pandemic, you're relying on science and history as your guides!

Of course, your stone cold moron element -- widely represented in America -- respects neither science nor history.

Hot off the press, here's a little tale of a televangelist inviting people from all over the country to a huge outdoor Easter ceremony. He wants it to be of Woodstock proportions, because Christians sheltering from the pandemic are just "pansies."

There are way too many people out there who think Jesus will protect them from anything, even when proven abundantly wrong, time and again. My dad taught Sunday School for 60 years, and Jesus didn't keep him from getting Parkinson's Disease and breaking his hip and dying of a heart attack. Hey, for a brief period in the 1960s I believed in Jesus healing the sick, but my prayers on my mother's behalf did not yield results ... in fact her condition worsened.

Well. I'm no dummy. Pray and don't get results? Either change the prayer, or change the God. Or both.

The particular pastor inviting a national flock for a shindig hasn't been following the news. There has already been one conservative pastor who has died in the prime of life after suggesting the disease is a hoax. And honestly, I don't mind that guy. He didn't invite a festival's worth of people to hug and kiss in the midst of a killer plague.

Mark my words. On Easter Sunday there is going to be a mighty flood of civil disobedience as the stupider brand of Christian heads out to harp and hosanna in numbers. I would say, have at it ... except that these "Jesus will protect me" morons will disperse into their communities and start killing dear old grannies right and left.

Chew on this, morons: If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a noise? Put it another way. Will Jesus still rise from the dead if you don't go hug 300 people in a crowded church?

At least one televangelist has already been arrested, and the Pennsylvania dude in the linked story says he'll gladly go to jail over his big Woodstock Jesus bash. Okay. Lock them up! Menaces to society.

Hey, Christian kids! Are you worried about your granny getting sick if you go to church on Easter? Well, you should be. Let me tell you about religions that respect science and history and would never expect their members to put any human being in the path of a novel coronavirus! Jeez, where should I start? You want the whole list, or just the top 100?

Moron televangelists should go to jail, directly to jail. They should not pass Go. They should not collect $200. Lock. Them. Up.

How the United Methodist Church Changes Lives

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," blue politics, bored gods, and buzzards all the time! If you're new to the fold, welcome! If you've been here since the dawn of time, thank you so much! I love you all.

I also love the United Methodist Church. Being a member changed my life.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Wait a minute. This is a Pagan blog." And you would be right. But that doesn't mean I can't feel some gratitude toward the good ol' UMC.

When my first daughter was born, her great-grandfather took me aside and made me promise to raise her "churched." He was Roman Catholic, and thank all the bored gods he didn't ask me to take her to that den of scoundrels. But he did want her to be "churched."

I said yes. I was fond of the old fellow. My own parents were faithful church-goers, and I had grown up going to church every Sunday. So I pretty much went eenie-meenie-miney-mo among the Haterfield (aka Snobville) churches and landed at the Haterfield United Methodist Church.

I attended for 16 years, almost every Sunday.

The experience was demoralizing, frustrating, and irritating. I got along best with the diaper babies in the years when I ran the crib room during the 11:00 service.

For awhile the church had a chill and liberal pastor who regularly excoriated his flock for being privileged and complacent. (He was unpopular.) When he resigned, matters went downhill. And still I went, and I took my daughters, and they hated it. But I had made a promise.

There wasn't one moment when I decided I'd had it with the United Methodist Church. There were about 125. Maybe more. But what put the kibbosh on my membership for good was when the national leadership defrocked a female pastor when she told her congregation that she was gay.

Mind you, her congregation already knew. And they loved her. What she did was, she made a public pronouncement about her identity.  That's all it took. She lost her job.

The hypocrisy was astonishing. I bounced.

For the record, both of my daughters were happy about it. They are blissfully "unchurched" to this day.

I formally severed the ties with HUMC in 2004. Long time ago! But this week in the New York Times, I read that they are still persecuting gay clergy to this day. Times may have changed, but not the United Methodist Church, by cracky.

Readers, I am so deeply grateful to have enjoyed 15 years of Paganism, free of the UMC, free of that hidebound Bible, free of the well-dressed snobby hypocrites, free of the stewardship sermons, free of the cackling hens in the "women's circle." Free of a place that discriminates!

Since 2004 I've met many, many fascinating people from many spiritual paths. I've explored several of those paths myself, before settling on my own eccentric blend of pantheism, ancestor veneration, and buzzard worship. None of that, not one single post in this long-lived blog, would have been possible if I had stayed with the Methodists.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Methodist church! Your stunning inability to recognize the dignity and worth of every human being was the final push I needed to step right out of Christianity and not look back.

Altar call: Some of you might be contemplating a similar move. Do it! There are Other Voices in other rooms! You can change your life! Our operators are standing by to take your call.

How To Make a Magic Wand

The Harry Potter series made magic wands kind of popular and trendy, but wands have always been around. There are two kinds: ceremonial wands and working wands. Today, Teacher Annie is going to tell you how to make a working wand!

Steps for Making a Working Wand:

1. Find a stick that is no longer than your forearm. Half the length of your forearm is better. You need to be able to hold it in your hand with about four to five inches of it extending beyond your hand. Your stick can come from a tree that is special to you. You can find it along the road. Personally I like driftwood, since it's smooth, but a nice sturdy stretch of any tree or branch is good. (A loved one can give you this stick. This includes the trusty canine.) It's also okay to buy a fancy carved wand from a vendor or artist. Me personally, I don't want to call attention to my working wand, so I favor ordinary sticks.

2. Power your working wand with Earth. Place the end you'll be holding into the soil of a land base you love. (If you love the beach, placing it in sand will be great.) Tell the wand what you are doing. Example: "I am charging this wand with Earth energy from this land that I love."

3. Power your working wand with Water. Place the whole wand in a body of water that has significance to you. This can be anything from your fragrant bubble bath to the churning surf of the ocean ... and everything in between. You can power a working wand in a rain puddle or a bird bath. I wouldn't recommend a bottle of spring water, because all that plastic, you know? Instead, fill a casserole dish with tap water, if you're in a hurry. Tell the wand what you are doing. Example: "I am charging this wand with Water energy to surround it with a power source."

4. Power your working wand with Fire. Place the end you'll be pointing in any fire, from a campfire to the flame on a gas stove or a candle. Remember, all you want to do is char the tip. You don't want to burn the whole thing or your fingers! Tell the wand what you are doing. Example: "I am charging this wand with Fire energy for purity and light."

5. Power your working wand with Air. Take it to a musical concert or a drum circle. If there's no concert handy, turn on your favorite tunes really loud. Hold the wand in front of the music. Music is vibration in the air. That's why it's so wonderful. Tell the wand what you are doing. Example: "I am charging this wand with Air energy so it becomes filled with the sky."

6. Power your working wand with Spirit. Hold it close to your heart. Speak kindly to it. Fill it with your most loving and positive thoughts. Take it to bed with you while you sleep, keeping it close to your face. Don't deliberately fill it with nastiness or negativity! You don't need that kind of aggravation in your life. The whole world is nasty. You want your wand to be different.

There you have it! A working wand. It's really that easy.

 I carry my working wand in my purse or in a pocket. When I'm teaching school and I want things to go smoothly, I put it on my desk.

So, what do you do when curious minds ask you about your wand?

Example: A student said to me, "Miss, why do you have a stick on your desk?"

Sample answers:

*I like sticks.
*Why don't you have a stick on your desk?
*This is my favorite stick.
*Get back to work.

(Actually I think I said something like, "Have you finished the assignment, Student? Let me see how you did.")

The important thing here is to not divulge that your "stick" is a working wand. If you do identify it as a working wand to a friend or colleague, be sure you totally trust that person. Magic isn't showy. It's not fashionable. It's best kept secret, just between you and your wand ... until you need to use it in the public sphere.


Now that you have a working wand, you must be asking yourself: What can I do with it? Stay tuned. I'll address that in my next lesson!