Halloween at Public School!

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where Halloween is Holy unto the Bored Gods and Goddesses! All glory, laud, and honor to the holy day that has survived from the Old Time Religions!

Every year around this time, the Christian Wrong starts moaning and groaning about the fact that public schools celebrate Halloween, but they do not celebrate Christmas or Easter or St. Patrick's Day ......... ooops!

Okay, you get the gist. Halloween, is not a holy day to "evil occultists," but rather to good, sweet, law-abiding, tree-hugging Druids and Wiccans, as well as a huge contingent of Hispanic Roman Catholics.

Isn't celebrating this occasion at school a violation of church and state?

Well, it would be if even one school teacher sat down with the class and explained in detail the history and religious meaning of Halloween. But that's not usually (if ever) the order of the day. School Halloween parties consist of kids showing off their wonderful costumes and harried moms handing out cupcakes, popcorn, candy corn, Juicy Juice, potato chips, pretzels ... oh, it goes on and on! Trust me, I've been there.

No one even tells kids who dress up like wicked witches that witches aren't wicked, nor do they wear black pointy hats. Nor does anyone point out to the kids done up like Satan that there's nothing Satanic about Halloween ... wrong pantheon.

All the same, I'll concede to the Christian Wrong that public schools devote an afternoon every year to a Pagan holiday.

My solution to this terrible, monstrous, obscene, unacceptable practice? Simple.

Make October 31 a religious holiday, like December 25.

Wouldn't you love that, Pagans?

Not only would you not have to work on the most holy day of the calendar, you could also expect many, many questions from kids as to why Halloween has suddenly become a day off school! A win-win situation! Think of the parties! The family togetherness! The establishment of traditions, like Halloween brunch!

So I'm with the Christians on this one. Halloween is a religious holiday. Let's accept that, snatch it off the school schedule, and make it what it should be: HOLY. But still fun! Trick or treat!

Deliver Us from Monotheism: The Purpose Driven Lie

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," drunk and pissed, and not necessarily in that order!

It seems that the two presidential nominees have gathered with Rick Warren, pastor of one of those sick-ass mega-churches (author of A Purpose Driven Life), for a televised address about their "faith."

Did you notice the headline to this post? There's an "F" missing. "F," as in why the fuck should it matter what religion the candidate has, or doesn't have?

This is seriously embarrassing, America. The last time a candidate crowed so loud about his religion was 100 years ago. That was William Jennings Bryan, and he fuckin' lost THREE presidential elections! The only thing Bryan has to show for his sojourn on this planet is everlasting belittlement for his role in the Scopes "Monkey" trial ... and the only college in America where you can take CREATION SCIENCE as a minor!

And so, I, Anne Johnson, am protesting this egregious assault on the U.S. Constitution by boycotting the television for the rest of the evening. I think I'll go slip on something silky, mist some Paris Hilton cologne twixt the ta tas, and see if Mr. Johnson wants to boycott as well. My guess is that he'll join me in my solitary protest.

Yep.

That Pesky Constitution

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," viewing the Supreme Court with a wary eye since 1991! So far we've avoided having to learn about Intelligent Design in schools, but thorny issues still bedevil our learned justices.

This week the court is hearing arguments about a handgun ban in Washington, DC. Certain citizens of our nation's capital think this ban is unconstitutional.

At issue is the interpretation of the Second Amendment: "A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

Now, you guys and gals out there who want freedom from religion, just remember that there's more than one Amendment on that ancient parchment. The troublesome clause above has been used for years by groups like the NRA to oppose gun control legislation.

To me the Second Amendment seems contradictory. Do you understand it? Seems to me to suggest that only the well-regulated militia ought to have the arms. Personally I would not call a bunch of drug dealers on a DC street corner a well-regulated militia. Nor does the term spring to mind when some scary wackadoo runs amok at a university and starts shooting everything that moves.

On the other hand, the second half of the sentence states that We the People can "keep and bear arms." Does that mean people who aren't part of a well-regulated militia?

Personally I have not been, nor am I now, a member of a well-regulated militia. So I don't own any guns. Guns give me the creeps, because, you know, "production for use" and all that. If I owned a gun, I'd be so curious whether it was working or not that I'd probably plug some innocent bunny or squirrel from time to time. And that wouldn't be very nice.

In the state of New Jersey, getting permission to purchase a firearm is a long and arduous process. A local newspaper reporter decided to try her luck. The cops came to her house and interviewed her entire family. Then they interviewed her neighbors. Then they did a thorough background check. She had to release her medical records. I think it took her about two months to get a permit, and by that time her privacy had been pretty much ripped to shreds.

Across the river, in Pennsylvania, it takes about three hours to buy a gun. Then you have to wait a day before you can buy another gun. The state legislature debated changing the gun laws -- lots of people from inner city Philadelphia went to Harrisburg to support stricter controls -- but Pennsylvania's law held.

On this one I think I would be a strict constructionist. You want a gun? Join the National Guard. That's our well-regulated militia.

But what about the little old lady in the bad neighborhood who owns a handgun and knows how to use it? Wouldn't an intruder think twice before trying to rob her?

My personal solution to this dilemma would be to dig up the authors of the Constitution, re-vivify them, set them adrift in an inner city for a few days, allow them to sample all the state-of-the-art automatic weaponry, and then convene them for discussion. They might want to tweak the grammar on the Second Amendment a little bit.

As for me, the only arms I'll ever bear are the two that attach to my body at the shoulder. Can't kill bunnies with those.

FROM ANNE

THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS

Some Assembly Required

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," weighing the world in the balance and finding it wanting since ... let's see ... I know I didn't have a color television set at the time. So we'll call it 1964.

The pesky First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution says that Congress will not "abridge the freedom ... of the people peaceably to assemble."

Notice our Founding Fathers even got the infinitive correct! ("to assemble")

Well, readers, what can I say? Can you really expect that a country that prints "In God We Trust" on its legal tender (violating the same First Amendment) is going to get this peaceable assembly for the redress of grievences thing right?

Me neither.

You take your average college or university, invite a politician to speak, allow a couple of students to gather together to hear the politician, and it's practically an open invitation to police brutality. Because, you know, people with grievances -- especially young, healthy people with grievances -- are always just an eyeblink away from becoming a murderous mob!

So, let us not allow those peaceable grievancers to blink their eyes.

To use a metaphor from the game of bowling, the entire history of the United States has teemed with unconstitutional instances of "strike hard, spare no one."

Someone got tasered at a John Kerry speech? That's your First Amendment at work.

Please don't tell me that the bad policemen will be disciplined. What's important is what happens at the moment of peaceable assembly. You're much more likely to get the big hurt from a gun-toting National Guardsman, a hose-wielding policeman, or a baton-bashing anti-union goon than from ... a jury. Months or years later. In a small, quiet courtroom.

We at "The Gods Are Bored" suggest that perhaps the entire Bill of Rights in the U.S. Constitution should just be deleted for excess word count. That way Americans won't look like a bunch of moron hypocrites.