Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" What a beautiful day it is outside! I think I'll keep this post short.
As my three readers already know, a date for The Rapture has been officially set. It is exactly 10 days hence, on May 21, 2011.
So far, those of us who promote the bored gods have pretty much been thinking about the commercial and ecological ramifications of this long-awaited event. How could we have overlooked the spiritual dimension?
The Bible pretty much lays out this scenario where those who are not Raptured will face great strife from such vile opponents as celestial horsemen and a Great Beast that we'll all recognize because he'll be spray-painted with a great big 666.
That sounds scary.
There's also the matter of people being Left Behind. Suppose some of those people (more likely a lot of them) think they should have been promoted? There's bound to be bitterness.
Some people scared, some people bitter ... and some of us not giving a fig, because we're with the bored gods.
So I, Anne Johnson, am now going to create a 501 C3 nonprofit organization called Friends of the Bored Gods. We at Friends of the Bored Gods will be offering post-Rapture counseling and education for all of those who are either scared or pissed. No one need look over a shoulder for the Great Beast! At least, not if you're taking an alternate route. Friends of the Bored Gods will provide alternate routes to healing and closure in the post-Rapture world. Trust me, friends, the hundreds of bored deities who've been ousted by Yahweh are already camping around the pond behind my house, just waiting for a new influx of mortal followers. (We've been having some lively, family-friendly parties.)
If you would like to donate to Friends of the Bored Gods, just remember our rules here at "The Gods Are Bored." It's all about the economy. You write to me, tell me how much you would like to donate. I'll send you a check for that amount, which you will then return to me. Let's face it, times are tough. This is our way of letting you feel good without having to sacrifice your pin money.
Friends of the Bored Gods has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Gosh, I thought that up all by myself! Rather proud.
Showing posts with label Rapture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rapture. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Save the Date!
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we have very, very, very good news today!
The date for Rapture has been set. According to a huge billboard about a mile away from where I'm sitting, Armageddon begins on May 21, 2011.
In less than two weeks, the busy god will call his best pupils away, and the world will suddenly become less populous. That is, if you believe that more than 144,000 people can get into heaven.
For the sake of celebration, let us assume that more than 144,000 people will get into heaven.
On May 21, as I said, the best and brightest of Yahweh's bustling entourage will be whisked straight away. What will the rest of us do?
On Facebook, someone has set up an After Rapture Party for May 22. I'm cool with that. I'll dig out a nice casserole recipe for nostalgia's sake, and all of us Left Behinders can revel in the removal of the very most sanctimonious amongst us.
Think of all the mega-churches we'll have, totally empty and at our disposal! Well, there's a nice gap-filler in the school budget, for one thing. Art supplies! Tables, chairs, and desks, for kids of all sizes! Take the school stuff out, put in some lightly-used furniture, and voila! Housing for people who are living in tents! Some of these places even have showers and basketball courts. Sweet!
The Raptured will leave behind homes, cars, clothes, jewelry, furniture, pets, and other swell things that can be doled out to the non-Raptured on an as-needed basis. I think we can be fair about this. Take me, for instance. My car works pretty well, so I won't need the late model Ford Escalade belonging to the pastor who figured out when The Rapture would begin. But I'll bet there's someone out there whose beat-up old pickup just breathed its last. And I'll bet that person just missed Rapture by a smidgen, maybe bet the Kentucky Derby last weekend or something equally pernicious. Justice! That's what I'm all about. The Escalade goes to the guilty gambler. It'll take the sting out of not being Raptured (and missing out on that fabulous $300-plus exacta).
Just a warning: We at "The Gods Are Bored" may be a little late for the After Rapture Party. Awhile back, we went to give blood at the Snobville United Methodist Church, in the process getting an eyeball of some high quality upholstered furniture in the church foyer. No one will miss it! Ask any Snobville Methodist, they will shyly admit they're on the Rapture roster.
So I get first dibs on the easy chairs, okay? You all must know me by now.
The date for Rapture has been set. According to a huge billboard about a mile away from where I'm sitting, Armageddon begins on May 21, 2011.
In less than two weeks, the busy god will call his best pupils away, and the world will suddenly become less populous. That is, if you believe that more than 144,000 people can get into heaven.
For the sake of celebration, let us assume that more than 144,000 people will get into heaven.
On May 21, as I said, the best and brightest of Yahweh's bustling entourage will be whisked straight away. What will the rest of us do?
On Facebook, someone has set up an After Rapture Party for May 22. I'm cool with that. I'll dig out a nice casserole recipe for nostalgia's sake, and all of us Left Behinders can revel in the removal of the very most sanctimonious amongst us.
Think of all the mega-churches we'll have, totally empty and at our disposal! Well, there's a nice gap-filler in the school budget, for one thing. Art supplies! Tables, chairs, and desks, for kids of all sizes! Take the school stuff out, put in some lightly-used furniture, and voila! Housing for people who are living in tents! Some of these places even have showers and basketball courts. Sweet!
The Raptured will leave behind homes, cars, clothes, jewelry, furniture, pets, and other swell things that can be doled out to the non-Raptured on an as-needed basis. I think we can be fair about this. Take me, for instance. My car works pretty well, so I won't need the late model Ford Escalade belonging to the pastor who figured out when The Rapture would begin. But I'll bet there's someone out there whose beat-up old pickup just breathed its last. And I'll bet that person just missed Rapture by a smidgen, maybe bet the Kentucky Derby last weekend or something equally pernicious. Justice! That's what I'm all about. The Escalade goes to the guilty gambler. It'll take the sting out of not being Raptured (and missing out on that fabulous $300-plus exacta).
Just a warning: We at "The Gods Are Bored" may be a little late for the After Rapture Party. Awhile back, we went to give blood at the Snobville United Methodist Church, in the process getting an eyeball of some high quality upholstered furniture in the church foyer. No one will miss it! Ask any Snobville Methodist, they will shyly admit they're on the Rapture roster.
So I get first dibs on the easy chairs, okay? You all must know me by now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)