R U Rapture Ready?

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we have long awaited Rapture and are now counting down the hours! The meek are about to inherit the Earth, my friends! All others go to Heaven, and ... ahem ... Godspeed them.

My friend Intense Guy alerted me to an article about Rapture that ran on some news site this week. Thanks, Iggy, for giving me the theme of my final pre-Rapture sermon! (And BTW, Iggy's post today is also about doomsday, but peppered with gorgeous photos of the Rail Trail to Cumberland, Maryland. So when you've ended your sojourn here at TGAB, by all means toddle over there!)

I have something very important to say regarding the End of the World.

For the sake of argument, let's buy the belief (however briefly) that the busy god, and only the busy god, exists. We've got either a few hours or a few months (depending on who you believe) before those of us who don't fit into His heaven get the axe.

It's time to say goodbye.

What do you have that is unsaid and unfinished in your life? Are you bearing a grudge against someone? Did you have harsh words with a spouse, offspring, or sibling recently? Is there anything, anything that you would regret not doing or saying if you knew that you only had a short time to live?

Fill in the blank: Just once before I die, I would like to ________.

Then, so long as it harms no one, go do it! This may be your last chance to visit those chateaux in the Loire Valley. Book the flight!

Do you have a close friend you haven't talked to in a long time, because you're too busy to bother? What if you knew that you wouldn't have another chance after tonight? (*Anne makes note to self: Call Celeste.*) Take a few precious minutes out of your final hours and phone a friend. Bonus points if you make plans to have coffee on Sunday!

Personally I have few regrets, no grudges I can think of with anyone, and no place on Earth I haven't visited that I feel like I need to see before I go. I'm always at peace with the bored gods (except Mars, He hates peace). Then what should I do with my last labored breaths?

Gratitude seems to be in order.

To my family and friends in the apparent world: I love you all, one and all, you are always on my mind and in my heart. As it appears we will all be going down together, let's hold hands and laugh and kiss and be of good cheer. Chins up, no surrender!

Friends, readers ... people who've been coming here to "The Gods Are Bored" for years, and you who have stumbled in recently: Thank you for visiting. I have actually met some of you (and merry was the meet in every case), and it's been so much fun to get messages from all over the planet. Over the course of my long run here, I've been elitist, righteously indignant, snarky, foolish, too personal on occasion, sentimental, silly, and sometimes stupid. You have forgiven my trespasses, shared my worldview, educated me, chastised me on occasion, and provided warmth on gloomy days. If this is farewell, then as the bored gods are my witnesses, it's been swell writing for you. I've enjoyed what I've done here.

And tra la la! I don't even have to go back and delete posts I regret writing, because I did that awhile back!

Let's make these next few days a time of frank gratitude amongst ourselves for all that is good in our lives, and perhaps rectify some relationships that have gone awry. I think the Jews have a day for this built into their calendar, but the rest of us, not so much.

Rapture ready? Sure, why not! Goodbye, kind world. Well done.

Photo: Anne and Spare, with Big Red and Mushu at the Spoutwood Fairie Festival, 2011.

Kingdom Come Undone

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" If Jesus is the reason for the season, where does that leave Wal-Mart?

Having lots of better things to do this afternoon, I took a break and toddled over to the Left Behind web site, where authors Jerry Jenkins and Tim LaHaye hawk their Armageddon novels. They're up to 16 volumes now, and they're showing signs of running out of steam.

At their site you can read a sample chapter of their latest tome, Kingdom Come. In the sample, Jesus's angels separate people into groups. The group on the left, quite to the surprise of its members, goes plunging into a chasm toward the center of the earth, presumably into that great satellite office known as Hell. Of course a certain amount of screaming, weeping and wailing accompanies this sudden shift in the Earth's crust and sudden winnowing of the human population. The screaming, etc. is done by those who got stuck in the left lane. The folks in the right lane are just motoring on past, smiling and congratulating themselves on finding Jesus in time.

If I had been raised on Bora Bora and had never heard of the Bible until now, I'd be asking: "Who is this Jesus, and why does he want to throw me into a chasm? That's not very nice."

Sadly, Jesus hasn't changed with the times. When his vice-chairmen were writing the Gospels and the Revelations and all that charming, inconsistent literature, the world was a very small place. You could picture all the good people getting raptured and all the bad people staying behind, because, well ... there weren't as many people. Nowadays, Jesus (or someone who works for him) will have to knock off six billion human beings to get this Rapture thing done.

Gosh, that puts Stalin in a whole new perspective. Hitler and Mao look like pussies. Whoa. Hold the phone! Jesus might rank right up there with malaria as a mass killer!

People talk about how the bored gods don't have any official literature to back up their claims. I think that's a good thing. Because the Bible is asking me to root for a god who's gonna go after nonbelievers like a toothbrush goes after plaque. Swish, swish, celestial Scope, kills millions of little microbes in one fell swoop!

With all the updating of language and syntax these Bible editors do, you'd think they'd re-assess the tone and tenor of the manuscript and institute some modernizing influences. Either that, or we should just accept what the Bible says as wholeheartedly as we accept the deeds of King Arthur.

If you want nice modern, up-to-date religion, just drop on by "The Gods Are Bored." Ten Commandments? Naaah. How about Ten Polite Suggestions? And instead of carving them in stone, we'll carve them onto a bar of soap that we're gonna use in the shower.

When the collection plate gets to you, please remember that it's the holiday season, and give accordingly.

FROM ANNE

THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS