Pray and Grow Rich

Welcome to God's boardroom! I'm the fly on the wall, Anne Johnson. And I'm barfing up a fur ball.

Before I knew I would have a full-time job, I engaged to write some reference book entries for Contemporary Authors, the encyclopedic series that paid my bills for 20 years. Now I only do a few entries here and there for pin money.

Today's entry was about Gloria Copeland, televangelist.

*urp!* Another fur ball.

I would like to know how Kenneth and Gloria Copeland managed to write more than 25 books while never getting even a tenuous grip on Christian theology. It's pretty pathetic that I, Anne Johnson -- who spent more time serving casseroles and changing baby diapers than attending sermons -- have a better understanding of the Bible than these two winners.

The research packet I got about Gloria had two articles in it about the "missionary" trips Ken and Gloria took in their $60 million private jet, their 18,000 square foot mansion, and their church's offshore bank accounts. And a Senate investigation of same.

There are so many different takes on the Bible, but it's hard to find any more repellent than "prosperity theology." Just pray and trust God. He'll make you rich! And if you don't get rich, it's because you aren't pleasing to God! Same if you get sick and Gloria can't faith heal you. You just don't believe hard enough! Pass the plate.

Faith healing is despicable. Prosperity theology is despicable. The Copeland's private jet is blasphemy. The pope's crowns are blasphemy.

Hellllooooooooooooo! Can anybody read?

Christians are supposed to be following a sandal-clad carpenter who preached from a boat to an audience on a hillside. A dude who ordered rich people to dump their wealth into the common till and live poor, concentrating on eternal rewards.

Oh, for the love of fruit flies! Why am I even bothering to write this? It's tedious! It's been said before. Again and again and again.

What I think these popes and televangelists need is a new god who better fits their theology. Now, there I think I can help. Tonight I'll wander over to the Bored God Employment Agency and find a God of Living Lavishly. I'll invite said G of LL for an interview. Lob some hardball questions, see if he's willing to help his followers pray their way to higher pay.

I guess it could be a Goddess of Living Lavishly. We don't discriminate here at TGAB. Tune in tomorrow for a frank talk with a Great Greedy Immortal.

Just to heave-ho the final fur ball, I'll say it again. Ministers of any faith who live large off the tithes of their parishioners are DESPICABLE.

(I like that word, "despicable." Just rolls off the tongue, y'know?)