Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we are crafting Constitutional Amendments! It's really fun. Kind of like a connect-the-dot on a diner place-mat!
Let's craft an amendment that defines marriage as between one man and one woman.
Now it's time to file for the marriage license.
How are you going to prove that this license is being issued to a man and a woman?
In my opinion, since this topic is ever so much more important than the inability of college graduates to find jobs, the proliferation of "part-time" work that offers no benefits, and the continuation of predatory banking, we ought to set some pretty strict standards for what exactly qualifies as a "man" and a "woman."
ANNE'S FAIL-PROOF TEST OF GENDER!
Before issuing a Constitutionally-mandated marriage license, observe the following rules:
1. If it likes cats, make it strip naked.
2. If it arrives at the courthouse in a hybrid car, make it strip naked.
3. Any kind of left-wing or Pagan bumper-sticker, make it strip naked. Pat down for strap-ons.
4. Males in button-down Oxford shirts: strip naked.
5. Females wearing Converse sneakers: strip naked.
6. Multiple tattoos or piercings: strip naked.
7. Civil wedding outside a church: strip naked.
8. Suspiciously recent manicure/haircut: strip naked.
9. Lived above the Mason-Dixon Line for more than two months: strip naked, query relentlessly about "lifestyle."
10. Blogger: strip, query, DNA test.
ANNE'S FAIL-PROOF GENDER-CERTAINTY
A marriage license can be issued immediately to:
1. Anyone with one of those fish thingies on the bumper, so long as it's the real thing and not a knock-off.
2. Anyone who applies shirtless.
3. Anyone who has a nursing baby in their arms. (Baby must be actively nursing.)
4. Anyone wearing a kilt ... what are the odds?
5. Navy Seal/NFL defensive tackle/heavyweight boxer/Teamster ... why risk it?
6. Anyone who just ate at a Chik-Fil-A. Sniff their breath.
7. Anyone who is so young they come in with Mom and Dad. Parents don't lie.
8. Anyone who can produce a Brownie sash or a Cub Scout sash with identifying characteristics.
9. Anyone willing to vote the way you want them to vote in the next election.
10. Anyone who hands you a big wad of cash and winks at you.
Now, see? That wasn't really hard, was it? You can think this stuff to death. Not necessary. The less thinking we all do, the better. Dudes, buy that kilt. Gals, root around the attic for your Brownie sash.
I'm old enough to remember a time when prospective couples had to take blood tests before they could get married. Come on, folks.. Marriage is a sacred institution... just like that liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere. These things need to last forever.