Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Why would you go sit in a traffic jam at the mall when you can shop right here, save a bundle, and get everything you want for your holiday extragvaganza? Yes, we at "The Gods Are Bored" are offering a one-day, half-off special on hard-to-find items. Whip out that credit card and fill your shopping cart!
1. Peace of mind: This HTF commodity is in very limited supply here at "The Gods Are Bored," but if you act right now, we will send you total and complete peace of mind at a 20% discount. Be wary of those who would offer you peace of mind by reading religious books or attending services! True peace of mind can only be achieved by .... no, wait! Buy first, find out the secret to peace of mind later! Heck, that's how most religions handle it. Why should we be different?
2. True Love: Very, very HTF! This is not a spell or an herbal enhancement here. It's pure true love, the complete works with significant other, heart strings, and "you complete me" kit. Lifetime guarantee. Yours on Black Friday at 10% discount and free shipping. (Sorry, no returns on this item.)
3. High Adventure: Tired of your dreary life? Chuck it all and climb into our fully functional Tardis! Travel this world and others, saving everything, all the time, in the nick of time. Limited offer: Buy today, get The Doctor free! You'll want to have him too, because it takes awhile to learn how to drive the Tardis.
4. Spiritual Enlightenment: Go for the real thing! You know how many phonies there are out there trying to convince you they have all the answers? We've got the answers! Fresh from ancient and forgotten texts, these few, sure-fire steps will have you enlightened before you can say "ShamWow!" Today only, buy one spiritual enlightenment, get the second at half price. You don't get offers like this every day. Just sayin.
5. Patience Extender: Back by popular demand, our patience extender helps you to deal with all annoying situations and people far longer than you ever could have imagined! If you're surrounded by aggravation, this is the perfect item for you. It is highly effective if used properly. Two-year limited warranty. Half price with mail-in rebate.
6. Breathtaking Beauty: Now mind you, people pay tons of money for this with no guarantee of success. There's a secret to it, and in our Perfect Beauty Sampler, we give you step-by-step directions to the kind of gorgeous visage usually reserved for starlets or baseball players. Change your life! You know it's all about looks. Walk the walk. Two-for-the-price-of-one special, great when combined with True Love, above.
7. Kittens and Puppies That Never Grow Up: Scientists have been trying to do this for years with no success. We know the secret to how this is done, and we will share it with you on a half price basis, today and today only. Some restrictions apply.
So there you have it, readers. Your Black Friday shopping early and in one spot, and useful gifts too! But don't stop here. Remember that "The Gods Are Bored" regularly offers free advice, and you can't do better than free!
Any other gifts you could possibly need can be found at the stores listed in my sidebar. Enjoy your Black Friday ... my mother-in-law is here at Chateau Johnson until Monday, so the Patience Extender is running on high.