The Very Incredibly Horrible Ways of Bad Faeries
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" If you think all faeries look like Tinker Bell and act like Snow White, I'm here to straighten you out! Oh, faeries can be terribly, terribly bad!
There's a notable book called The Fairy Faith in Celtic Countries, by W. Y. Evans-Wenz in which the author interviews people who have had faerie encounters or who knew lore about faerie encounters. One of the unifying themes of Evans-Wenz's investigation is that our Welsh, Irish, Scottish, Breton, and Cornish forebears were respectful at least and fearful at best of "the gentle folk."
I like to swagger around unafraid of anything. Therefore, the only thing that has kept the faeries from spiriting me off completely is that it's more fun to torture me day-to-day in picky ways. They know I believe in them, so they need not make the point that they exist. All they have to do is annoy me when I get too cocky.
Last week they took my Netbook.
They warned me that they were planning to do it. As I was driving home from a teacher workshop last Wednesday, I became so convinced I'd left the Netbook at the workshop venue that I literally pulled into a parking lot and looked in the back seat. There it was!
But do you think I could find that Netbook a day later? It wasn't in the car. It wasn't in the house. Since I had last seen it on the back seat of the car (and the door was unlocked) I assumed someone had pinched it.
Yes, someone had pinched it, all right. The faeries pinched it! They kept it for five days and then left it right on my bedroom floor, smack dab under a big pile of dirty laundry!
But that was just the warm-up.
I've been doing this "alternate route" teacher certification gig for quite awhile now, trying to get fully certified to teach in the state of New Jersey. Remember all those night classes with Mr. Bigwand? (*shudder*)
Get this: All the other people who took those classes are now certified. My certificate is being held up by one online application that would take two minutes to fill out. Except I've been in this program so long that I don't have a user name and password in the system, and so I can't get in to fill out the application. All of my other paperwork is there, including long, labor-intensive assessments done by my school principal AND all of my night school grades! I even had to take a Loyalty Oath witnessed by a Notary!
One stupid, friggin, senseless piece of e-work, and I can't get it done.
Faeries consider our technological age a marvel of new opportunity. To them, the Internet is a playground, both whimsical and sadistic.
Ask me what I'm fixing for supper. I'll tell you: humble pie.
Gentle people, please give me my New Jersey state certification in Language Arts instruction, grades 9-12. Did I not give to you the beautiful ceramic mug with the school insignia that all first-year teachers get? Take the doggone Netbook if you must, but certify me! I AM CERTIFIABLE!
Are we gonna be nice now? Are we gonna see mice growl? Are we gonna need an ice towel? And how!