Friday, May 21, 2010

Harsh Words at the Core Content Curriculum Standards Meeting

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Do you know what core content curriculum standards are?

Let me see if I can make this understandable. CCCS are the particular things kids should be learning at school, grade by grade. Subject by subject. People get paid good money to tweak these things, so CCCS are tweaked way more than they need to be, by people who would otherwise probably have to work as valets at the busier hotels in Manhattan.

Just today I'm back from a CCCS meeting here in stench-drenched New Jersey. And you just would not believe what the new New Jersey standards are for social studies and civics.

Every history textbook in New Jersey will now delete all mention of the state of Texas. Children in the Garden State will be taught that the land mass some people call "Texas" is actually Northern Mexico, and it has been that way since Santa Ana became the first president of Northern Mexico in 1529.

I said to the Curriculum Development Committee: "But wait. Aren't you re-writing history that everyone knows, everyone sees, and everyone accepts as common sense?"

They looked at me in bewilderment.

So I said, "You can't take Texas away. Bad. Bad."

At last! A level of vocabulary they could understand!

Then the Committee led me to understand that Texas ... errr ... Northern Mexico is demanding that their social studies books be re-written to minimize the civil rights era and to maximize the whole One Nation under You-Know-Who thingy.

Once I understood that, I jumped right in and helped re-write New Jersey's CCCS!

From now on, if you live in New Jersey, you will learn that:

1. Ronald Reagan was not a president. Frank Sinatra was.

2. Every signer of the Declaration of Independence was really from New Jersey. It was just too far away for the other states to participate in Congress. But New Jersey -- whoa! Right across the river from Philadelphia! And by the way, yes. Benjamin Franklin was from New Jersey.

3. Global climate change, caused by burning of fossil fuels found in stinking Northern Mexico, is causing disastrous erosion of New Jersey's fabulous, indeed peerless beaches. This all began when a race of near-humans called "Bush" overthrew the U.S. government in a coup d'etat. Don't believe me? It's in the textbook, right there on page 313! Study up! This will be on the test.

4. Thomas Edison was from New Jersey. He was also an atheist, famous for saying, "God is dead. Long live the lightbulb!"

5. New Jersey schools will not use B.C.E. or C.E. We're taking a cue from Northern Mexico on that. Except we're doing it right. This is the Western Hemisphere, and from now on all calendar dating will be drawn from the Mayan pyramids. Next test is in Week of Vulture, on Monkey Day.

6. New Jersey textbooks will expunge all references to conservative politics and will delete any mention of Republican politicians. The president who won the Civil War will now be Jefferson Davis, and his first act was to have the entire southern United States (including Northern Mexico) IQ tested, after which anyone with an ounce of brains was summarily executed.

(A few Yellowdog Grannies squeaked through the carnage, thank goodness.)

We citizens of New Jersey are numerous enough that textbooks we wish to purchase will also be purchased by other states in The United New Jersey Annex. (That's what our country will now be called, thank you very much. Test on Snake Day!)

I started out not liking these new Core Content Curriculum Standards much, but wow. They are growing on me. They are making me proud to be a New Jerseyan! Edison bless us all!

11 comments:

Sarita Rucker said...

Wait, they're seriously going to teach that Texas is part of Mexico? That's scary. Seriously. It's sounds like Big Brother in 1982.

On the other hand, this could be fun! Maybe I'll rewrite history so that disease didn't kill off most of the Native Americans, and it was actually a fair fight between them and those trying to conquere their land.

Kathy said...

Brilliant!

Lavanah said...

If you had posted this on facebook I would have shared it already!

Dalesings said...

I took the liberty of copying it to my daughter, who lives in Austin and has attended many of the State Board of Education meetings, testifying before them regarding evolution (you know, that "crackpot" theory), and doing live blogging from the proceedings.

She is a playwright and wrote a play based on Darwin's life, but from the viewpoint of his kindergarten years. You'd have loved it!

To rub salt in the wound, watch the opening of today's session --"a Christian land governed by Christian principles" --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdhGK9aYjDY

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I'm busy in the Week of Vulture, on Monkey Day. Can we make it the Week of Armadillo, on Iguana Day instead?

And oh yes, Yellowdog Granny is the Leader of the Mensa Resistance in northern Mexico. Shhhh, don't spread it around, you'll endanger her life!

Anne Johnson said...

LMFAO! Oh golly, we don't wanna blow Granny's cover!

The Traveler said...

Wow....There are way too many guns in Northern Mexico for that level of stupid...
And I would vote for Sinatra again!

Kathryn said...

Great! And, there is actually a small movement to change all world calendaring to the Mayan calendar - at least the short calendar - as it is more in tune with the rhythm of the seasons and the moon.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

i always knew i'd end up being the leader of a group of somebody's..ha

xan said...

I gotta get working on the CCCs here in Tennessee. We have connections to Tex...er, Northern Mexico too ya know. It was mostly people from here that President Santa Ana defeated in the suppression of the rebels trying to reinstitute slavery even if they had to tear Mexico in two to do it.

Thank Edison he bypassed that insignificant mission at..where was that dump? Hertzo? Enterprisio? Alamo? something like that--and got to the nest where the leaders of the cabal were plotting and shot their silly asses. Who knows what horrors such wicked people might have committed in the future?

great, great piece. :)

Lynda said...

Love this! Being unfortunate to live in Texas/Northern Mexico all I can do is shake my head at the severe lack of intelligence.