Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Judge not, lest ye be judged. In other words, don't poke fun at people, because they might poke back with sharper sticks.
Every year this time, just for laughs, I visit the Chick tract site and review all their funny pamphlets about Halloween, Masons, Druids, and other malleus malefactors. In the hyper-paranoid land of Chick, even your local sheriff does the Devil's deeds. There's so much evil afoot, it's a wonder Jesus ever got a toe-hold in this horrific world.
This is my all-time favorite Chick panel. I hope you can see the dialogue.
This is very helpful information to me. As a Druid (not Imaginary), I am preparing for Samhain with a 15-year-old virgin daughter at my side. She's very pretty, but I'll admit she has some sass. Her name is The Spare.
Spare might not like being taken away to be sacrificed. And I'm 100 percent certain her dad will put up one heck of a fight when the mean old Imaginary Druids come for her. But it's the will of our Gods that a pretty virgin get her heart cut out on October 31. Thus sayeth Chick.
Now that I think about it, The Heir will be home on October 31 too. Wow. An Imaginary Druid "buy one, get one" for ritual slaughter! I've put my heart, soul, and toil into raising these daughters, just to see them hacked to death! That makes me a swell Druid, I reckon. But I love my daughters! Bad Imaginary Druids! Bad!
(Notice I assume that both of my daughters are virgins. Many a good mother has made this mistake! Maybe they've gotten around a little bit, which would make them useless for ritual sacrifice...)
Doggone it! Why did I leave the Methodist church! Youth group trips are almost as good as band camps for opening up the world of carnal knowledge to freshly-scrubbed teens. I think I'll call the old Snobville UM Church to see if it's not too late to have Heir and Spare participate in the lock-in. If I tell the church secretary it's for the purpose of saving my children from knife-wielding Imaginary Druids, I'm sure to find success.
By the way, if you see any knife-wielding Imaginary Druids bent upon human sacrifice ... lay off the magic mushrooms.