Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Chuckle with Chick

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Judge not, lest ye be judged. In other words, don't poke fun at people, because they might poke back with sharper sticks.

Every year this time, just for laughs, I visit the Chick tract site and review all their funny pamphlets about Halloween, Masons, Druids, and other malleus malefactors. In the hyper-paranoid land of Chick, even your local sheriff does the Devil's deeds. There's so much evil afoot, it's a wonder Jesus ever got a toe-hold in this horrific world.

This is my all-time favorite Chick panel. I hope you can see the dialogue.

This is very helpful information to me. As a Druid (not Imaginary), I am preparing for Samhain with a 15-year-old virgin daughter at my side. She's very pretty, but I'll admit she has some sass. Her name is The Spare.

Spare might not like being taken away to be sacrificed. And I'm 100 percent certain her dad will put up one heck of a fight when the mean old Imaginary Druids come for her. But it's the will of our Gods that a pretty virgin get her heart cut out on October 31. Thus sayeth Chick.

Now that I think about it, The Heir will be home on October 31 too. Wow. An Imaginary Druid "buy one, get one" for ritual slaughter! I've put my heart, soul, and toil into raising these daughters, just to see them hacked to death! That makes me a swell Druid, I reckon. But I love my daughters! Bad Imaginary Druids! Bad!

(Notice I assume that both of my daughters are virgins. Many a good mother has made this mistake! Maybe they've gotten around a little bit, which would make them useless for ritual sacrifice...)

Doggone it! Why did I leave the Methodist church! Youth group trips are almost as good as band camps for opening up the world of carnal knowledge to freshly-scrubbed teens. I think I'll call the old Snobville UM Church to see if it's not too late to have Heir and Spare participate in the lock-in. If I tell the church secretary it's for the purpose of saving my children from knife-wielding Imaginary Druids, I'm sure to find success.

By the way, if you see any knife-wielding Imaginary Druids bent upon human sacrifice ... lay off the magic mushrooms.

31 comments:

IX said...

I think it was the church lock-ins and mission trips where I got up to the most mischief.

THE Michael said...

Just keep an eye out for Levi Johnson....I hear that even the most devout spiritual warriors are putty in his hands..........

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

I am always amazed at how stupid people are...but not as much as I used to be..

democommie said...

I am pretty certain that I'm safe from imaginary druids. I'm not so sure abou the real ones.

Lavanah said...

Well, you know, now I have to go and google chick tracts...

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I love the reference to the dreaded "Sam Hain" to whom these sacrifices are made! I'll have to check out this site. I remember those cheesy little comic books always having something outrageous to say about homosexuals. Good times, good times.

Servitor Lucem said...

Lavanah, want some Chick tracts? You can get 'em by the dozen by the entrance to the 7 train in the times Square station. If you want, I can pick some up for you.
My favorite of all, though, is the Cthulhu tract. apparently, this one upset the Jack T. Chick people greatly, and it's been pulled ofrf the Web. Mostly. I think I can find that one around here, too. It's pretty funny, and a lot of the art was taken from an actual Chick tract.

mrsb said...

Good morning, Anne! Thanks for hosting us today!

For those who are visiting for the tour, take one extra entry to any one giveaway today by posting the word "bored".

Stuff On My Blog said...

Aren't those tracts just frickin hilarious? Amazing that there are actually adults gullible enough to try to convince peopole of that stuff lol.

Visiting from Mrs. B's :D loving all the new bloggy reading material!

ELLIE said...

just stopping by to say hi from mrs B's blog

Nydia said...

Just came from Mrs. B.' page! Thanks for this morning laughter, loved your sharp sense of humour!

Kisses form Nydia.

Crafty's Cuppa Coffee said...

Ha! i just heard about these last nite- Boy am I outta the loop!); and I had a good laugh over at their site! My my what nonsense!
~Danae

Tori said...

Haha, the Chick Tracts always make me giggle. Awesome blog!

~Wendy~ said...

Good Morning!
Thanks for hosting a visit!
Wendy
for The Gothic Tea Society

Divaeva said...

*laughs* sent over by MrsB for quite the morning chuckle! thanks! <3

Evn said...

My favorite of all, though, is the Cthulhu tract.

Mine, too. And here it is!

Anonymous said...

Aw, they pulled that Cthulhu tract? I had it bookmarked. A perfect expose' of what god those folks really worship. Rodger Cunningham

(Speaking of Lovecraft, my captcha is "slobalig.")

Anonymous said...

I see I spoke too soon! I'll re-mark it. RC

Anonymous said...

And isn't Sam Hain the guy that puts out all that pagan vegetarian food? RC

Angela said...

LMAO omg I love this post! I am so adding youto my blogroll!

Visiting from Mrs. B's 31 Days of Halloween!

Sabrina@goddessaday.com said...

Thanks for hosting Mrs. B.'s troop!

Gruvkitty said...

So sad...I only have a son...

Anne, thanks for going there so we don't have to. :)

Lynelle said...

I'm also a big fan of the Chick tracts. I was raised Pentecostal, and my father littered the house with the tracts, in hopes they would keep me from doing evil. Now I'm a pagan, so I guess it didn't work... He also told me my calendar featuring unicorns running through the forest was demonic. Good one, dad.

Tabbycat said...

Love your humor! I wll be reading more.

Stitchinwitch said...

I'm visiting from Mrs B and I love it. Will have to go look at some later

Aelwyn said...

Bwahahahaha! You rock!

Diane said...

stopping on from mrs b's! thanks for a great post!

Bridgett said...

I got in the worst trouble at church lock-ins...almost lost MY virginity there. LOL

Great blog.

)O(
boo

Anne Johnson said...

Evn, thanks for the link! I'm sure I speak for Rodger when I say that good tracts should never die!

To all visiting from Mrs. B's House of Fun, howdy! What you see here is pretty much what you get every day.

Thalia Took said...

I have the urge to write a bad noir detective novel and name the troubled anti-hero detective Sam Hain. I mean, on the slim chance it hasn't been done already.

Is it proof that I'm possessed by Satan that I can't say the words "Jack Chick tract" out loud without getting my tongue all twisted?

WV: destrorm, the storm of destruction what is coming, according to Jack Chick. Or Chthulhu.

kimc said...

How does anyone ever remember how to spell Chthulhu?