Sunday, June 28, 2009

The Family That Buys Useless "As Seen on T.V." Products Together Stays Together


Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored" on this dark Sunday! Alas, found dead in his home -- Billy Mays!

I wonder what my family will talk about around the dinner table now.

It's unusual for a family actually to sit down to dinner together these days. And I must admit, we don't do it every night. My daughters The Heir and The Spare have busy social calendars. And The Spare only eats french fries and macaroni and cheese. One can't fix that every night.

Most nights the conversation at the dinner table sounded something like this:

Heir: Billy Mays is done. Vince, the ShamWow guy, is so much cooler and more 21st century.

Spare: Vince is cool, but he totally stole the SlapChop from Billy.

Heir: Yeah, but Billy's turning this whole thing into a feud. Like, Vince is trying to steal his territory or something. Billy talks too loud. He's not changing with the times....


On and on and on, as Mr. Johnson and I stare at each other, wondering what we did wrong. Our children are obsessed with the relative merits of television pitchmen.

About 30 minutes ago I was on Facebook, and Seitou posted that Billy Mays had died. For once the t.v. had the info before the Internet. But not long afterwards, the news came over the wire onto Yahoo.

The Heir was completely staggered. "I never would have said all those bad things about him if I knew he was going to die!" she exclaimed.

(Remind me to teach Heir the important lesson that everyone dies eventually, so are you going to say only nice things all the time?)

Just now the telephone rang. It was The Spare, dialing tearfully from Starbucks. "Let me talk to Heir," she said. The sisterly commiseration became quite emotional.

So now I have two daughters, one sobbing into the OxyClean, the other clutching her Mighty Putty to her breast. And there won't be anything to talk about at dinner anymore. We'll just sit there in silence, brooding over our SlapChopped salads and wiping the tears with our ShamWows.

10 comments:

Lori - MN said...

I thought this was a bad joke. It seems you scooped even Yahoo and Comcast. good for you. This is the 4th high profile death in the past 7 days. What next? or rather who?

THE Michael said...

It's the RAPTURE, I tell ya!

Pom said...

Why oh Why is god taking away all of our American icons?!? Who can we blame it on?

Linda said...

I did see a supermarket tabloid cover stating the world as we know it is ending July 4th, so this could be quite a week coming up.

On the plus side, I told my husband his store didn't need to worry about getting their annual inventory done on the 6th.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

oh THAT billy mays...oh man...too bad..but at least he won't be screaming on my tv anymore..and that's a good thing...he gave me a headache.

Sarita said...

...am I hopelessly culturally illiterate to have ignored Michael Jackson, and to have completely no clue who the heck this guy you're talking about in the post is?

Anne Johnson said...

Billy Mays *weeps* was a pitchman for products sold on t.v., like OxyClean. It's okay if you don't know who he is. Not everybody is weird like The Heir. She couldn't pick out Gettysburg on a map of Pennsylvania, but she can tell you the full name of the "Where's the Beef" lady who did commercials before Heir was born.

Whoa. My verification is "thing." !!!

Thomas said...

It's particularly a shame because Billy just got his own TV show on Discovery this year and it wasn't just an infomercial. The man finally found a modicum of main stream success and *boom* he's gone.

How tragic.

Maebius said...

@THE Michael. too funny.
I'm glaad to be left behind, if that's true. Still, sad to see anyone pass unexpectedly early.

beweaver said...

Bvwahahahahahaa. Poor misguided kidlets.