Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Family That Buys Useless "As Seen on T.V." Products Together Stays Together
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored" on this dark Sunday! Alas, found dead in his home -- Billy Mays!
I wonder what my family will talk about around the dinner table now.
It's unusual for a family actually to sit down to dinner together these days. And I must admit, we don't do it every night. My daughters The Heir and The Spare have busy social calendars. And The Spare only eats french fries and macaroni and cheese. One can't fix that every night.
Most nights the conversation at the dinner table sounded something like this:
Heir: Billy Mays is done. Vince, the ShamWow guy, is so much cooler and more 21st century.
Spare: Vince is cool, but he totally stole the SlapChop from Billy.
Heir: Yeah, but Billy's turning this whole thing into a feud. Like, Vince is trying to steal his territory or something. Billy talks too loud. He's not changing with the times....
On and on and on, as Mr. Johnson and I stare at each other, wondering what we did wrong. Our children are obsessed with the relative merits of television pitchmen.
About 30 minutes ago I was on Facebook, and Seitou posted that Billy Mays had died. For once the t.v. had the info before the Internet. But not long afterwards, the news came over the wire onto Yahoo.
The Heir was completely staggered. "I never would have said all those bad things about him if I knew he was going to die!" she exclaimed.
(Remind me to teach Heir the important lesson that everyone dies eventually, so are you going to say only nice things all the time?)
Just now the telephone rang. It was The Spare, dialing tearfully from Starbucks. "Let me talk to Heir," she said. The sisterly commiseration became quite emotional.
So now I have two daughters, one sobbing into the OxyClean, the other clutching her Mighty Putty to her breast. And there won't be anything to talk about at dinner anymore. We'll just sit there in silence, brooding over our SlapChopped salads and wiping the tears with our ShamWows.