Frank Talk about Hair Grooming with Medusa the Gorgon
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed, no. It's just a sprinkling for the May queen!
Come on, geezers, let's jam with Jimmy on the "Immigrant Song!"
No, no, no Led Zeppelin today. We have a guest! It's been awhile since we had an interview, and today's visitor is well known to those who've boned up on their Homer. Please give a warm, wonderful, "Gods Are Bored" welcome to Medusa!
Anne: Sorry I couldn't post your picture, Medusa. I have male readers. I don't want them to turn to stone. I don't need litigation right now.
Medusa: Understood, Annie dear. No problem.
Anne: I'm not exactly turning to stone, but I do feel like I've had two whiskeys too many, looking at your locks. What's it like to have snakes for hair?
Medusa: I'm used to it. I'm immortal, remember. You can get used to anything if you're given long enough to adapt.
Anne: Whoa! There's a copperhead cowlick! I wouldn't blow-dry that one out for all the tea in China! Anyway. Medusa, I'm very curious about your hair grooming regimen.
Medusa: Every three or four days, I lather with pureed mice. That's about it.
Anne: No conditioner? No detangler? No styling gel? No stay-in moisturizer?
Medusa: I'm glad you asked. Anne, I've been around a long time, and I've seen hairstyles come and go. (Except for my own. It's pretty consistent.) Frankly, you modern American women slather way too many products on your tresses.
Anne: I couldn't agree more! Just the other day I got some new samples in the mail. There was shampoo and conditioner, detangler, and then some kind of dry hair moisturizer. Four different products. Who can afford such fripperies?
Medusa: Take it from me. The hair care industry is making millions because people wash their hair too much. The whole idea of shampooing every day brings profit to shampoo companies and disaster to hair follicles.
Anne: I've gotta agree with that. No matter how expensive the shampoo I use, my hair feels like tumbleweed when it dries. What's going on here?
Medusa: Just what I said. There are parts of your body that might need a little lather every day, but your hair is not one of them. Left alone, hair produces its own oil, a sort of natural conditioner. Ask any teenager.
Anne: So your advice would be not to wash my hair every day?
Anne: How often should I wash it?
Medusa: Twice a week is enough. Three times if you've got oily hair.
Anne: I'm a little nervous about this. Will my hair get greasy after a day or two?
Medusa: No. It will just be softer and smoother, more like velvet than tumbleweed. And think of all the money you'll save on hair products! Within a week or two you'll have enough to pay for admission at the Spoutwood Farm Fairie Festival!
Anne: That's incentive, all right! Medusa, I'm going to try this and let my readers know how it works. After all, my mom and both of my grandmothers only went to the hairdresser once a week. And they never looked skanky.... Whoa! Watch that viper! It's trying to eat Decibel the Parrot!
Medusa: Oh damn. Another bad snake day.
Anne: Want some detangler?
Medusa: No, I'll just use a flute. Works wonders on the vipers.
Anne: I wonder what flute music would do for split ends.